FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2401, 8 March 1900, Page 53

FUN AND FANCY.

— "I believe all the honest men arc dead." "That's good. I hate to think of them as starving to death." — One day of sickness will do more to convince a young man that his mother is his best friend than 1? volumes of proverbs. —It would probably be hard to convince a bantam cock that his crowing doesn't have a great deal to do with making the sun rise. . . — "To aciapt oneself to circumstances, said the sage, "is the secret of happiness. Therefore, the wise man learns to love his wife's dog." — Mrs M'Canty: "An' ye've raised quoite a big family, Mr 3 Murphy?'' Mrs Murphy (with pride) : "Seven polacemin, Mrs M'Canty."

— Nervous Old Lady (for the seventh time) : "Oh, captain, is there any danger — shall I be drowned?" Exasperated skipper: "I'm afraid not, ma'am." — Dunn: "What do you think of Dauber's latest picture, after Rubens?" Brown: "1 think that Rubens would be after Dauber if he could only see it."

— House Hunter: "This is a quiet neighbourhood, is it not?" Dweller in Flat: "It ■was until that painless dentist opened his place on the second floor." • — Mrs Sharptong: "I fear my 'husband's mind is affected. Is there any sure test. Doctor: "Tell him you'll never speak to him again. If he laughs he's sane." — The Vulture: "It's hardly polite to read your paper at table, Mr Boarder." The "Victim: "I know, Mrs Skinnem, but it takes my mind off what I'm eating." — "Was the dear girl happjly married?" "It was one of the happiest weddings I ever saw. There were so few duplicates among the presents of cut-glass and silver."

— "Did you ever meet a woman whose very voice thrilled you with unspeakable emotion?" "Xes, that's the way my mother used to get me up in the morning."

— Miss Long: "In this cold and practical age nobody seems to have the least confidence In love potions." Mr Quick: "'No; diamonds have been found infinitely more potent."

— Official Receiver (at a meeting of creditors): "What have you come here for?" Professional Beggar: "To put in my claim. The bankrupt tised to give me 2d every ■week."

—A : "What do you think of modernism in art?" "G : "Well, it can be carried too far. Think of painting Father Time pushing a lawnmower instead of carrying a scythe."

— Hibbler: "Did you ever commence a book that you were unable to complete?" Scribbler: "Oh, yep." Hibbler: "What kind of a book was it?" Scribbler: "Cheque "book."

— Botanical Old Gent (in public gardens) : "Can you tell me, my good man, if this plant belongs to the Arbutus family?" Gardener '(curtly) : "No, sir, it doesn't. It b'longs to the Corporation."

— The man who blames his wife for 'keeping his dinner waiting by stopping to look at shop windows is the very fellow who couldn't pass a dog fight in the street if his life depended on it.

— Biggs: "There goes a man who is approached with fear and trembling by all who have dealings with him." Boggs: "Ah! a criminal judge or something of that sort, I presume?" Biggs: "No, a dentist." — "Darling," exclaimed the happy husband, after the minister had pronounced them one, "I am not worthy of your love." "Of course you're not," she replied ; "but at my age a girl can't afford to let even an opportunity like this go by."

— "Oh, Tom," exclaimed the bride of six months, "what do you think ! Mother says she wants her body cremated." "She does, eh?" said the husband; "well, tell her to get ready, and I'll take her over to the crematory the first thing in the morning."

— All Busy. — "Where is your mother, Johnny?" "Playing golf." "And your aunt?" "She is out on her bike." "And your sister?" "She is gone to the gymnasium." "Then I'll see your father, please." ''He can't come down now. He is upstairs giving the baby a bath." — "My dear," said the banker to his only daughter, "I have noticed a young man attired in a dress suit in the drawing room two or three evenings each week of late. What is his occupation?" "He is at "present unemployed, papa," replied the fair girl, with a dreamy, far-away look in her big blue eyes, "but he is thinking seriously of accepting a, position as life companion to a young lady of means."

— Harry wanted to give Lucy a birthday present, but could not make up his mind •what it should be ; so the next time he called ho frankly told her the difficulty under which &Q £&» labouiimj,. -".Want to make mg a

present, Harry?" exclaimed Lucy, in Avellcounterfeited ostonishmeut. "Why, Harry, you forget yourese^ !" Harry took the hint, and offered himself on the spot.

— "I always did dislike men Avho haA-e 110 ear for music," said a pretty girl, "and iioav I dislike them more than ever. Charlby Nevergo called to see me last evening. At II o'clock I Avent to the piano." "And played 'Home, svreet home'?" said the other (?irl. "Yes. First I played it ps a ballad. He didn't move. Then I played it as a Avaltz, and next as a polka, and then as a jig." "And what did he do?" "He said, "Good gracious, Avhat a jolly lot of tunes you knoAV '. And all so different !' "