FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2399, 22 February 1900, Page 53

FUN AND FANCY.

— We throw musty old crusts on the water, and expect frosted cake in return. — "What are you going to give Ada?' "I thought of offering her myself." — A man never realises what a prize he wilfully threw away until some other man gets her.

— You can always depend upon a man who isn't afraid to say "I don't know" occasionally. — Young Maid: "What is the best time to marry?" Old Maid: "Whenever the man is willing." — "Aly curiosity is running; away with me," paid the farmer, as his two-headed calf hauled him round the field.

— Father: "How is it that you're such a dunce at your lessons, Tommy?" "Tommy: "I expect it's hereditary." — "How do you like that little clog I gave your wife?" "I never paw one that I liked better. It died the next day."

—As far as comfort goes, there isn't any difference between marrying for money without love and marrying for love without money. — "It's no sign," writes a Chelsea pensioner, "that a man is cool in the face of danger when under such circumstances he shivers." — Visitor: "Are you the wild man? Museum Freak : "Yes.'" "H'm ! Well, what makes you wild?" "The idiotic questions that are being continually asked me." — "Are you superstitious?" "Yes, a little. Why?" "I only wanted to ask you what kind of luck it is for a left-handed man to see the new moon over his right shoulder?" — George: "I just haw you coming from the conservatory with Mips Goldie. Rather handsome pirl, but too reserved for me. Thomas: "Yes. I've just reserved her for life." — Traveller: "Ah, Miss Society, if you want to see Nature at its best, you should take a trip through the pine woods of ]S.orway." Miss Society: "Woiildn'tit be grand? And I do so dote on pineapple." — Penurious Philanthropist (handing halfpenny to small boy who has been holding his horse for about an hour):, "There, my lad, there's something for you." Small Boy: "Can I keep the change, mister?"

— They were engaged. "Life," she said, as she arose from the piano stool, "will be one long, pweet song after we are married.' "That settles it, then," firmly responded her lover as he took his hat and departure.

— His Golden Wedding.— Jonesley : "Coming around to my golden wedding next week? Brownkins (indignantly): "Your golden wedding! Why, man, you're not 35. Jonesley: "No; but I've captured an heiress.' "Ha! ha! ha! 'Hair cut while you wait !' That sign's absurd ! Ha !ha !" "I don't know about that," remarked the barber reflectively ; "those fellows waiting while I m cutting yours won't see anything absurd about it." . . , — "And why," the teacner continued, "should we hold the aged in respect?" Tl 'Cause it's mostly the old men that has all the money," Tommy answered. And the teacher wasn't able to offer any better reason. George: "The ring doesn't seem to fit very well. Clara. Hadn't I better take it back and have it made smaller?" _ Clara: "No, George; an engagement ring is an engagement ring, even if I had to wear it round my neck." „,•.., i , — "Gentlemen of the jury, asked the clerk of the court, "have you agreed upon a verdict?" "We have," replied the foreman. "The verdict of the jury is that the lawyers have mixed this case up so that we don't know anything at all about it." — Fair Maiden (a summer boarder) : How savagely that cow looks at me." Farmer Hay: "It's your red parasol, mum." Fair Maiden : "Dear me ! I knew it was a little out of fashion, but I didn't suppose a country cow would notice it." — Husband (meekly): "This is the fourth time this week we've had tinned beef and cabbage. Maria, and I'm a little tired of it." His Wife: "I'm sure, Thomas, you're very unreasonable. You know I've had to correct the proof sheets of my new book, 'One Hundred Dainty Dinners.' "

— A tiny child was waiting with her mother at a railway station, and a little distance off was standing a soldier in Highland uniform. The child asked her mother if she might speak to the soldier, and being questioned as to why she wanted to speak to him, she replied : "I want to tell him his stockings are coming down." — "Do you think your sister likes mo, Freddie?" "Yes; she stood up for you at dinner." "Stood up for me ! Was anybody saying anything against me?" "No ; nothing .much. Father said he thought you wata rather a donkey, but 6isi got up and said

you weren't, and told father he ought to know belter than judge a man by his looks."