FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2391, 28 December 1899, Page 53

FUN AND FANCY.

— "Saw the sea-lions feeding and drinking on the way over from Douglas," said Liarly. "Where were they drinking?" demanded the positive man. "In the trough of the sea, of course."

— What It Showed.— Miss Newrich :"The Oldbloods have some plates that have been in ■the family for a hundred years." Mrs Newrich : "Pooh ! That jist shows they ain't never had no servant." — The Husband : "But we can't afford to keep a carriage." The Wife: "I know we can't, but I want to show that stuck-up Mrs Brown that we can have things we can't afford just as well as she. can." — Old Lady (in 'bus) : "Conductor, this 'bus is very badly ventilated." Conductor: "Lor", mum, wot can yer expect — fresh air, hordyCalogne, an' ride to High street all fur a penny? Sum people ain't never satisfied." — "It must be strange for the Spaniards to feel that they are ruled over by a mero infant." "Why?" "It's bo uncommon." "Humph ! It's plain you never had an infant. It's the most natural thing in the world for, a baby to boss things."

— Incog. — Magistrate: "Why didn't you answer to your name?" "Vagrant : "Beg pardon, yer worship, but I forgot wot name 1 gave las' night." Magistrate: "Didn't you give your own name?" Vagrant: "No, yer worship; I'm travellin' incog." - — Mrs Brown : "I am sure you have a good husband." ' Mrs Green: "Yes; but then he is such a wretched manager. If you'll believo it, he went and paid our butcher's and grocer's bills last week, when he knew well enough that tho children were dying for bicycles." — He: "Tell me, my sweet, are you superstitious?" She: "What a strange question. Why do you want to know?" He: "Answer mo first." She: "Well, lam not in the least superstitious." Ho: "Then I don't mind telling you — you are my thirteenth sweetheart."/

— "Do you think it gentlemanly," said the man who was trying to keep his temper, "to laugh at a man who slips on a piece of orangepeel by accident?" "Well," replied the spectator apologetically, "I laughed by accident, too. 1 didn't think of such a thing until 1 «vw you." "Oh, papa !" exclaimed little four-year-old Ned. "Look what a bright star!" "Yes," replied the father, "and it is three times as large as our earth." "Oh, no, it isn't," said Ned. "Why do you doubt it?" asked his father. "Because if it was it would Tceep the rain off."

— Undeceived. — "Here is a paragraph which will interest you, my dear," said Mr Darley to his wife. "A progressive woman in America uses the telephone in. making eocial calls." "That's not progressiveness at all," said Mrs •Darley. "Is'oV" "No; she simply has no new clothes to wear."

• — A teacher in a North of England Board school was recently examining a class of small boys in mental aiithnic.ic. She said: "If your father gave yv .mother 30s to-day and £2 to-morrov.-, iculd she have';" And a small boy near » .-otlom of the class replied, "She would h.Ac a lit."

— After the "War. — Excited Passenger : "Surely that's a Spanish man-of-war over yonder ! Look at her, captain, look at her!" American Captain: •''Well, the war's over; why not let 'er boY 'Taint no use to yell that way and frighten the poor Spaniards into convulsions an' make 'era sink their old craft, is it?" —"By the Way."— Mrs Be Fashion : "What perfectly horrible creatures tkese Chinese are ! i am told that in China the men actually buy their wives." Mrs Do Style: "Yes; isn't it horriblq? By the way, when is your daughter to marry the old banker'/" Mrs De Fashion: "Just as soon as he recovers from his last attack of gout." — A foreigner, not absolutely certain of all 'the shades of meaning in our English words, recently attended a reception at Vassar College, at which the young ladies of the institution wen arrayed in all the bewildering beauty of evening toilets. Said he te tho preeident: "I have never before seen bo grand a sight as those young ladies ie their nightgowns." — "Unco' High !" — It was a pungent answer given by a Freer Kirk member who had deserted his colours and returned to the old faith. Tho minister bluntly accosted him. "Ay, man, John, an' ye've left us ; what micht be your reason for that? Did ye think it was na a quid road we wis gawn?" "Ou, it wis a quid encuch road and a braw road ; but, 0 minister, the" .tolls were unco' high!" — Excitement is often the cause of strange telegrams, as well as other queer manifestations. A man who had been one of the passengers on a shipwrecked vessel was rescued almost by a miracle. On arriving at a place fepm "wjtiich fee could send "a telegraphic mess-

age, ho forwarded the following despatch to his brother: "I am saved. Try to break it gently to my wife." — Here is a, story which Baron Dowse, the celebrated Irish judge, once told in that exaggerated "brogue" which he loved to employ. "I was down..hi Cork last month holding assizes. On the first day, when the jury camo in, the officer of the court said : ' Gintlemen ay the jury, yell take yer accustomed places, if ye plaze.' And may I never laugh," said the Baron, "if they didn't all walk into the dock."