FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2356, 20 April 1899, Page 49

FUN AND FANCY.

While the fool is proving that he is right the wise man is finding out where he .is wrong.

"This is carrying things too far," said Pat, as he reached the twentieth, storey of the building.

— 'Your friends may not know much, but they always know what they would do if they were in your place. — The long lane that has no turn ■wouldn't be so bad if we didn't have the wind in our face all the time.

— "Your husband must enjoy his home." — " He does. Especially at the times when I want him to take me to the theatre."

— 'Mr Oldboy: "I am a self-made man, sir. I began life as a bare- foot boy." Kennard : " Well, I wasn't born with shoes on, either." — Taken Up.— Reggy (quoting from *' Hamlet ") : "If thou wilt needs marry, marry a fool.' Maude: "Oh, Reggj r , this is so sudden. '

— James : " The rain falls alike on the just and the unjust." Branes: "True; but the unjust man is generally provided with the just man's umbrella."

— Mrs Malaprop says if she has a dog Bhe wants one of those great Sarah Bernhardt dogs that dig those dear old monies out of the snow in Switzerland.

— "I don't believe vaccination, is of any use," said a Yankee. " I had a child vaccinated, and he fell out of the window a week after and broke his leg." — Horrified Old Lady : " Oh, kind sir, think of your mother. Think of your mother!" Burglar (bternly) : "No use, lady ; I was brought up in an incubator." • — Since the Wedding. — " Did their marriage end the feud between the two families? 1 ' — "Not entirely. It is confined to only one member of each family now." — His Wife: "It only takes a snail 14 days and fiva hours to travel a mile." Her Husband : " Yes ; but a snail doesn't have to wait and see if it's hat is on straight." — Jimmy Knew.— Mamma: " Oh, dear ! Jimmy, I don't believe you know what it is to. be good." Jimmy: "Yes, I do, mamma. It's not doing what you want to *o."

— Judge- ' Well, officer, who 5s this person, and what is she charged with?" Officer: "Sure it's the 'Magnetic Girl,' yer honor, and she's charged wid electricity."

— Mrs Lash: "What did you get baby for a birthday present?" Mrs Rash: "I .took £2 out of the little darling's bank and bought him this lovely lamp for the drawing room." — Warder (to condemned man, eating Teds last breakfast) : " Will you have some of the ham and eggs? " Condemned Man : " A counle of the eggs, please, but no ■ham. It gives me indigestion." Illustrated.— A Moraliser: "How .weak one is and how easily one yields to temptation? "' A Husband : "I " should say so. My wife went to an auction last week to buy a stove and she actually bought a refrigerator." ■

— "Your wife?" asked the casual acquaintance, as the aggressive-looking woman passed. "Well," replied the little man doubtfully, "perhaps it would be a little more appropriate to say that I am her husband."

— "The railway engineer," said the Smart Boarder, " must be a happy man. He whistles at his work.'' — "Begging your pardon." said the Cheerful Idiot, prompt to crush all possible rivalry, "he works at his whistle."

— Wifo : " Don't you think you might manage to keep house alone for a week while Igo off on a visit? " Husband : "I guess so. Yes, of course." "But ■won'-t you be lonely and miserable?" — "Not a bit!"— " Huh! Then I won't go." — Theory v. Practice. — "It seems to me," Said the cachelor, " that I would let the child's inclinations determine what he should eat. Let Nature guide him." — ■' Humph ! " said the child* fathe T ; "if ivo did that, his bill-of-fare would include matches and blacking." — 'HPa!. Pa!" litrto Johnny began. i "fto».T wnat ao you wan;,?" asLcd his ♦affexing father, wim the emphasis on the " now. '" " Win jmy kair fail off when it's ripo, Hie /ours? '• When the flat ruler had ceased tailing on .(ohnnv his thirst for Kaowlft&e &ad disajje^red.

f — She (after marriage) : " You told me i that I was your first love, but I have found ; a whole trunkful of letters from all sorts I of girls, just bursting with tenderness." I He : " I—lI — I said you were the first I ever I loved. - I didn't say j r ou were the only ! one who ever loved me."

— Conceited Youtb : " Oh, doctor, I have gent for you, certainly ; still, I must confess I hare not the slightest faith in modern medical science." Doctor : " Oh, that doesn't matte" in the least. You see, a donkey has no faith in the veterinary surgeon, and yet he cures him all the same." — The Mad Mullah was proposing suicide. " Why should I live? " mused he bitterly. " 1 can't be a "war cloud much longer!" — " But if you were dead you would be even mist," urged the flatterer-in-chief ; for he did not like the idea of being thrown out of employment just at tho beginning of winter. — "How beautiful is the snow." he said. "So white, so pure, so universal. It falls alike on rich and poor ; it turns fche beggar.'s- hovel into a dream of glistening beauty. If" • But just then a snowball caught him under the ear and a half ton of the same material fell from the cornice and lodged between the collar and his neck. And he spoke no more.

— Douched — Young Author ; " I sent you a copy of my new book a few days ago. I suppose you have glanced over it." | Miss Frankleigh : " Glanced, over it ! Why, I read it through three times." Young Author (much pleased) : " Indeed ! Then you must have found it interesting." Miss Frankleigh: '"No; I can't &ay that I did. I -was merely trying to make out what j it was all about.' Though summer's gone the horse chews on, He must be housed n»d fed ; He haKn't a thing to do till spring But just eat off hia head. But the cycle, while ihe roads are vile I And the pal he are robsd in white, I Just Rtanils on a shelf ar.d oares for itself, ] And never cats a mile. j