FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2310, 9 June 1898, Page 41

FUN AND FANCY.

—An American editor desires his subscribers to pay rip, as he wishes to play a similar joke upon his creditors.

— Two Ways of Looking at It. — " Another daughter off your hands," smiled Mrs Grims. " Another son-in-law to keep," growled Mr Grims.

— Well, old chap, how did yonr wife receive yon when yofc got home last night ? "—" — "Wouldn't speak to me."— "Lucky dog! Mine did."

— He : " And what do you think of the engagement ring I sent; you 1 " She : " Ob, it's just splendid ; -I never had such a fine one before 1 "

— " Children, I hope you peeled the apples before eating them." — " Ye?, mother, dear.' r — " What have you done with the peelings 1 " ■ — " Oh, we ate them after."

— An Eclipse : Mother : ««■ I'm afraid ycur husband is going to be ill. How did he look this morning at breakfast 1 " Young Wife t "I didn't see him. Ha was readiug the paper."

— " I'm sorry to hear that you and your wife have separated, old man ; did anyone come between you 1 " — " Yes ; her father and mother, three maiden aunts, and a grandmother."

— Not a Confession. — "Did he confess his love 1"—"1 "—" I don't think so. From what I know of the affair I am inclined to think ■ that she drew' it out of him by cross-exam-ination."

— " How do yon like that, you scavenger of the seas 7 " said the cook, plunging the lobster into the boiling water. The lobster made no reply; bufc it got very hot, and turned red:

— " How is your wife 1 "— " TJm, her - head has been troubling her a good deal recently." — •• Nervous headache 1 " — " Not exactly. She keeps on wanting a new bat every four weeks."

— Mamma : " And how did my little pet get to sleep last night without mamma 7 " Little Pet : " Papa triad to sing to me like you do, and I hurried up and went to sleep bo's not to hear it."

— " How many revolutions does the earth make in a month?" said the teacher of astronomy.- 1 -" Do you mean in South America or Europe ? " cautiously inquired the boy who reads the papers. — " Are you aware, sir," eaid the man in the rear fiercely, "that your umbrella is poking me in the eye 2 " "It isn't my umbrella," replied the man just in front with equal fierceness, "it's a borrowed one, sir I" * „ — " What we need in football," said the athlete, "is more gentiemanliness — more courtesy. And I don't mind Baying that, so far as I am concerned, I intend to have it, even if I have to maim every man who gets ' in my way." — " No, 11^ said' the tortoise haughtily, " I have won the championship, and 1 shall retire. I shall never, never race again." And the backers of the hare departed mournfully. They were willing to bet 50 to 1 on the result ©I a return match.

Understood.— His Wife: "Why don'fcyou go to the doctor and find out just what you ought to eat and what you ought to avoid 1" Dyspeptic: "Ob, I know all that now. 1 ought to eat everything I don't like arid avoid everything I do."

— " They've raked in a pretty tough-look-ing lot this morning, haven't they 1 " said the stranger to the reporter in a police court. fc "-You're looking at the wrong, lot," answered the reporter. •» Those are not fct» fl prisoners: those are the lawyera,"