Bowser Milks the Cow.

Otago Witness, Issue 2240, 4 February 1897, Page 53

Bowser Milks the Cow.

rHE IS NOT FAMILIAR WITH THBfSjUME, AND I SHK RAISES HIM TO THB LIMIT OP I HEU STRENGTH. , [ The "real" cow which the Bowsers were to have with their summer farm finally appeared one evening, in company with » tow-headed boy, and when she had been turned into the j barnyard Mr Bowser w«nt up to the house and said: JKJ X Well, blife's b»re at last ; and now for the romantic dairy business. Come out and look the oritter over and see me do the milking act." She was a cow- with a "crumpled born." More than that 1 , she was undersized and scrubby, and her eye did not have that frank, innocent expression always to be found in the patient and humble-minded cow. " I— l don't like her looks," was Mrs Bowser's verdict after a long survey. ".What did you expect P " asked Mr Bowser. " Did you imagine she'd have two humps like a dromedary, or a trunk like an elephant ? A cow ia a cow. If you are looking for a rhinoceros or a buffalo you'll have to go furthor."

"I've seen cows before," replied Mrs Bowser with a little pepper in her tones. " She may be better than she looks, but I think you'll be disappointed in her. She's evidently very common stock."

" Oh, she is, eh P That shows how much you know about cows. She's pure Leghorn, and I'd like to see you find a better breed."

" I never heard of a Leghorn cow," exclaimed Mrs Bowser.

" Haven't you ? That's wonderful 1 Perhaps you never heard of a Southdown or a merino cow ? There are lots of things for you to learn yet, especially about farming. I don't say that this cow is as handsome as Lillian Russell or as gr&cef nl as an antelope, but what we are after is milk and cream. She's a Leghorn, if I know anything about cows, and she'll probably have to be milked about five or six times r day. I will now open tha performance-.'*

" I don't believe you ever milked a cow ia your life," said Mrs Bowser, *s be began to roll up his sleeves. " Don't ydh? Well, prepare for a surprise. The day you put on short dresses I milked 16 cows and churned 201b of butter. I may be a litfcle rusty, but "— — " But what ? " " I was just thinking whether you milked a Leghorn cow on the right or left side. It's on the left, I guess." "AH cows arc milked on the right-hand side, Mr Bowser." "Perhaps so; but we'll try this one ou the left. I'll use that old soap box for a milk stool. You can sit down on that stone and sing while I play dairymaid. This was one of the things that induced me to hire this farm for the summer — coming out to milk our own Leghorn cow : as the shades of evening " < ! The shades of evening didn't fall, but that cow picked up a hind foot and sent the milkpail whirling 20fts away, and as Mr Bowser dodged he fell off the box, and his feet came up and gave the cow a double kick and sent her rushing away. "By the great horn spoon ! " he shouted as he turned over and got up, " but I'll have her life to pay for this 1" "I told you it was the wrong side," protested Mrs Bowser. "Wrong side be hanged I What's the difference to'a oaw ? She's here to be milked, and she can't have her owu way about things. If she trios that little game on me again I'll break her in two ! We'll drive- bee into a corner over there. Come to remember, Leghorn cows always have to* be driven into a corner to be milked." Mrs Bowser brought him the pail, and together they cornered up the cow. This time Mr Bowser approached on the right-hand side, and after patting her hip in a fatherly way for a minute, he said : " Whoa, now, bossy, and hist over ! That's the checker ! Mrs Bowser, you walk up and down and sing something. 'What this cow lacks is confidence in us. She can't tell what our designs are. Sing a couple of versos of • The sweet by-and-bye,' aud give her to understand thkt she is among friends." "And you be easy in taking hold. Some cows have to be petted, you know. Don't squeeze too hard at tha beginning." "I'll attend to the squeezing business. I' (mess thia is the right side, after all, but I'll have her learned to milk on both sides within a week. I want no one-sided cows around me. Jee-whiz, bnt what was that ?" The cow lifted both hind fest at once, but mUsad both pail and Mr Bowser. " You never milked a cow in all your life," exclaimed Mrs Bowser, who had been closely watching his operations. "Then I'll begin now or perish in the attempt ! " he shouted. " Durn her eyes, but does she thiulr thia is a circus, and ia she trying to jump backwards through a paper hoop? Hist over or look out for a cyclone 1 Now, start that singing again. Never milked a cow ! I'll show you whether I ever did or not ' " Mr Bowser started, in with a grim determi a> tion. Once or twice in his life he had s'^et. ft man milk a cow. He distinctly rememberou that it wai alf hand work, * and ' that no machinery was employed either above or below. It was the squeeze that brought the milk, aud he gob a firm hold and tightened his fingers. Mrs Bowser bad finished the second Hue of the beautiful hymn when the cow made a sudden movement with her lefc leg. It was a combination of baseball, cricket, and ohain lightning. The milk pail ftew past her and hit the fence with a bang, but Mr Bowser and his box and grim determination flew the other way. He wasn't exactly sure what had happened, and ha asked no questions until his breath returned and he could sit up. Then he queried : "Was it the— the cow ? " "It was- the cow," answered Mrs Bowser. " I told you that you knew nothing about) milking." " She— she kicked me, did she ? " "She did. Give me the pail and I'll see what I can do. You'd better go in and lie down." • "I think I will for — for a minute or two, and theu I'll come out and see who kicked tho cow and -made her kick me ! I'll also break her blamed old back with the smokehouse ! " Mrs , Bowser got the pail and box and sat down to the cow. Ten minutes later she entered the house with about half a pint of milk in the. pail, and said : "Well, Mr Bowses. Qreen his furnished you a nice sort; of a cow, hasn't he P " ••Did you milk her?" he asked ash* lifted bis bead of? the loaoge, but kept both hands pressed on his stomach. "There is no milk 'to be had. She hasn't been a new milch cow. If I were you " "Stop. right there, Mrs Bowser! lam now in what is probably a .dying state, having received a ton-thousand-pound blow in the pit of ,tbe stomach. If I die you will hayjuwcom-. plished your oold-blooded purpose ;,V# l survive until morning you and *I aid <$ke co<£ will have a little .talk and straighten things out!" Z i £ ■ " But what did I'do-P" she- protested. "Never you nrfrfd! A woman -who will kick a cow to mabo ic < »ti.oow_V*nk mad kill her husband is guilty of murder, and she's no wife of mine. Ju«t keep right away from me until I die or recover, and then this thing can be settled in about two minutes ! " " And you say I kioked the cow P " j-# - But Mr Bowser only glared at her for a moment and then turned his face to the wall and refußtd to apeak again. The iron had entered his soul — that is, this Leghorn cow hud kioked him into the middle of next week. — New York Herald.