FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2209, 2 July 1896, Page 41

FUN AND FANCY.

— Every man in a brass band thinks that his instrument makeß the best mußic. —-Masher: "That was rather a sensible observation of mine, don't you tbink 1 " Lady : " Why, oertainly. Didn't you notice the look of surprise on my face 7 " r— " Mamma, why has the month ' of February 29 days every fourth year 1 " " What & foolish question I So that people born on February 29 can have a birthday once in a while." -- "No man," said the Philosophic Idiot, 11 is ever more than half right." " Ob, come now ? " began the Argumentative Man. " Tbe other half," continued the Philosophic Oae, "is left." Miss Modern : •' I have brought this book back. Mamma sajs it is not fit for me to read." Librarian: "I think your mother must be mistaken." Miss Modern: " Oh.no,' she isn't. I've read it all through." — Young Man (very thin and very Joig) : *' I am going to a masquerade party, and I don't know what character to assume." Old Man (very thick and"very short : " Chalk your head and go as a billiard-cue." — " Ugh I " said the Kickapoo Indian in a tone of disgust. "What is the matter, Swallowtail 7 " inquired the trapper. "Big Injun chase white man four miles. Want scalp. Oatoh white man. White man bald. Ugh I" — Forewarned.— Suitor : " Well, may I 1 hope, then, dear, that bohkb future time I may have the happiness of making yon my wife?" Fair One: "1 hope so, I'm sare. I'm getting tired of suing fellows for of promise." — Considerate.— Mistress (midnight) : " I * don't intend to come downstairs to let you in this time of night again." New Girl (reassuringly) : " Yon won't have to, mum. One of .my friends took an impression of your 'look, and he's making a nice key for me." . VERY UNIQUE. Though a young man of football physique, His heart was exceedingly wique ; While he much loved the maid, Be was so afraid, That he hadn't tne^courage to spique. — Miss Belief " Mary, remember lam at home to none except Mr Vere Brownkins this afternoon." Mary (half an hour later) : "I've told four gentlemen-callers that you were at home to none except Mr Vere BrownWne, miss, and they all went away very argry indeed, miss." — Cautif v*. — Host : " I hate to send you out in such a blustering night as this, old fellow." Guest : " It's raining pretty hacdr I say, coul i' 6 you lend me your umbrella ? " Host : " Certainly ; and— er— l think I'll walk home with you myself. I really need a little excarcise." . 1 — The Nefw Schoolboy.— A teaoher the other day instructed her scholars to draw any i.. figure they could, using only three straight lines. "That is not a figure," said .the teacter.. I'Yes, it is I" retorted the, -boy. <\ Wbat figure 7 " "A btinared- and.Ueven,"was the response - . _ .■ — " I'm going to tell ! my daddy of you," Said little - Willie, as the blacksmith was paring some shavings from the horse's hoof. "Why? What have I done?" asked the blacksmith. " You haven't got any shoes to fit Dobbin, an' you're cutting his feet* small to suit those you have got." •'■■ — Reatßured. — "You advertise to. sell genuine milk," said the customer reproachfully," and unmistakable evidence that there is waiter mixed with it." "That may be ; but the genuine milk is there just the Bams," was the reply ; " I know it is, beoause I put it there myself." ' — Fond Mother (who knows him at home) : " Frankie, I hope you have been a nide, quiet boy at school this afternoon. Frankie : " Yes, indeed, mother. I went to sleep on my seat as soon as the school opened, and the master said he wmld keep in tho first boy who woke me." ' — Invaluable. — " Do you know," she said, "that your volume of poems, has become qaite indispensable in our house 7 "—"" — " Indeed?" he responded with a pleased look. •' Yes.' " Mamma says she wouldn't be without them. Sue threatens to read them whenever tbe children are naughtj." — Mrs Blokey, junior (who is of a romantic turn) : "My ! ain't the moon lovely, glitterin' on the waves. It does one's heart good to see it." Mr B. (Blokey and. Son) : "^Ah, and wouldn't it do one's 'art good to see ' Blokey and Son's Pickles ' printed right across ib lv capital letters, big enough for all the world to read with the naked hi ? " — Pleasant. — A naval officer, wishing to ' bathe in a Ceylon river, asked a native to show him .. a place .where there were no alligators. The native took- him to a pool close to the estuary. The officer fiDJoyed his dip ; and while drying himself, he asked his guide why there were never any alligators in thafrpool. "Beoause, sab," the Cingalese replied, " they plenty 'fraid of shark 1 " — She had Scruples.— Dr Gothrie once gave an excellent illustration of the regard in which the Sabbith is held by the Scottish people. When he was visiting in Eoss-sbire, Sir Kenneth Mackenzie directed his attention to a servant girl, who was not only scrupulous, but logloal in' her practice. She astonished her master, one of Sir Kenneth's tenants, by refusing to feed tbe cows on the Sabbath. She was ready to milk, but would by no means feed them— and her defence shows that though a fanatic she was not a fool. " The cows," she said, drawing a nice metaphysical distinction that would have done honour to a casuist — " the cows canna milk the'msels, so to milk them is a clear word o' necessity an' mercy; but let them oot to the fields an' they'll feed themsels, I'se warrant."