FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2152, 23 May 1895, Page 39

FUN AND FANCY.

— A man who is orooked usually follows his own beat. — The mistakes of the past are the signboards of the future. — Love, like crime, is seldom confessed until the completeness of the evidence makes confession a mere matter of form. — He : " You don't believe in marrying for money, do you, Miss Antique 7 " She : " I don't know ; how much have you got 7 " — If ever there were a clergyman's name and title suggestive of the Militantest of the Ohuieh Militant, it is Canon Gore."— Punch. — Shame. — " Whoi, Pat, ye've had ye hair cut I "— " Shure, now, an' who tould ye that 7 Aa' me intendin' to sarproisa ye, too."— Fun. — Jackanapes i "In tho lant church bazaar did the young ladies take part 7" Mr Slimpurse : " Great Soott, no 1 they took alll" — Miss Antique (school teacher) : " What does w-h-i-t-e spell 7" Class — no answer. Hiss Antiiue : " What is tbe colour of my Bkin 7 " Class (In chorua) : " Yellow." - Tbe fun that a man lias in watching a ■woman sharpen a pencil is only equalled by the quiet amusement the woman experiences while the man is endeavouring to thread a needle. — Houser t " I see that they are putting plates on gunboats 18in thick." Mrs Houser : "Let's get some of them. There's just tbe chance that the servants wouldn't be able to break them." — " Now you will have to ask papa for his consent," said Miss Willing to her accepted euitor. "Ob, yes 1 Certainly 1" replied Jack Ooy. "OE course I Br— has he a telephone at his office 7 " — He : " Mary, this milliner's bill is unusually large. I thought we had decided to .be economical 7" She: "And we have been ; haven't you given up smoking and horse-racing and the club 7 " — Father : " You must know, sir, that my daughter will get nothing from me nntil my death." Suitor (pleasantly) : "Ob, that's all right, sir ; that's all right 1 I havo Bnough to live on for two or three years." — Actress : " Oh, you are the gentleman who is to write up my life 7 " Reporter : 11 Yes ; I've called to get th« faots." Actrees : •• Ob, dear me I You'll never do. I don't want any facts in it, young man." — Wagstaff: "Where's that famous dog of yours that was such a good judge of tramps?" Hopscotch : "I was obliged to give him away. To be frank, when I came home from the races the other night he bit me." — A New Toast.— This was the toast a local wag offered at a banquet in Denver, given in honour of the woman candidates for the Legislature : "To the women of Colorado: God bless 'em. Formerly our superiors: now our equali." — A reporter, in describing the taming of a deg out of oourt by order of the bench, Bays : " The ejected canine, as he was ignominiously dragged from the room, cast a glance at the judge for the purpose of being able to identify him at some future time." — " Remember, witness," Bharply exclaimed the counsel for tho defenoe, "you are on oath I " " There ain't no danger of my forgettin' it," replied the witness sullenly ; •• I'm telling the truth for nothin', when I conld have made £5 by lyin' fur your aide of the case, an' you know it." — Visitor at Cheap Show.—" Do you eat window glass, too 7 " The Glass Eater : " I do." " I should thick you would get a pane inside." " I do ; but my frame can stand it." 41 You pretend to relish what you eat 1 " "That's only for a blind." — Teacher: "How many of my scholars can remember the longest sentence they ever read?" Billy: "Please, mum, I can." Teacher: "What! Is there only one 7 Well, William, you can tell the rest of the scholars the longest eentonca yon ever read." Billy : " Imprisonment for life." — A negro passing under a scaffolding where some repairs were going on, a brick fell from above on his head, and was broken by the fall. Sambo very coolly raised his bead and exclaimed: "Halloa, jou white man up dar ; if you don't want your bricks broke, jnst keep 'em off my head 1 " — Precaution. — In these daya of frequent bnrglaries it is well to observe all reasonable precautions. A business man went home the other evening and found this notice in his wife's handwriting in a conspicuous place on the front door : Dear Dick.— l have gone over to mother'?, and have hidden the key so that no one can find it hut you. It is under the left lower corner of the doormat. — " You are eyeing me, sir, as if you thought I had a design oa your umbrella," eaid a passenger, as the train drew into the station. "Do I look like a man who could be capable of stealing an umbrella 7 " «• Since you ask me the question, sir," answered the other passenger, " I am compelled to say that I think you do." " And \ yon look as if you might possibly be a gentleman," retorted the other. " How deceptive appearances sometimes are I" — It is related of Bishop Trelawny, who was successively Bishop of Bristol, Exeter, and Winchester, and Prelate of the Order of the Garter, that he was much given to profane swearing. This came to the ears of Queen Anne, who took him to task for what she jnstly described as " such an unbecoming practice." " Madam," was the ready reply, " "you must permit me to remind your Majesty that I do not swear ac a bishop, but pimply in my character of Sir Jonathan Sralawny, Baronet,"