FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2106, 5 July 1894, Page 39

FUN AND FANCY.

— Of all birds, the tailor's goose has the most prominent bill. — A man is like a gas-jet — the more he blows, the less light he gives out. — The man who is waiting for his ship to Come home usually finds it a tug. — The smart things that we might have said, but didn't, have saved us many a friend 1 . — It is impossible to have the last word with a chemist, because he always has a retort.

— Creditor (angrily) : " You ought to pay your way." Debtor (coolly) : " It's not my way to pay." This inscription (wriiten by the husband) appears in a cemetery over the grave of a woman: — "Tears cannot restore thee, therefore I weep." — A Sheffield bootmaker displays this notice in his window :— " Don't you wish you were in my shoes 1 " — " Your business is picking up, I see," said the cobbler to the ragpicker. "Yes; and I see yours is mending," was the quick reply. — Good Farming District. — A Kent man, reading that there were 12,000 Poles in London, exclaimed : " What a splendid place to raise hops I " — Soothing;— " Well, good-bye, dear Mrs Jones ; I'm afraid I've put you out by calling at this unearthly hour." " Ob, I hope I didn't show it 1 "

— " Shall women work, or shall they marry ? " inquires a daily paper. They generally have to work if they marry. Fat the question in some other form. — A Mean Man. — "Why, old man, what are you doing on a bicycle ? " " It's my only ohanoe to get a little fresh air without tak« ing the old lady along. See 1 " — Oaller (looking at pioture) : " Does your mamma paint 1 " Little Son : '- Yes ; bnt she's finished that an' is puttin' on the powder now. She'll be down in a minute." — Compensation. —"I should think bicycle-riding would contract the chest," said Dawson. "It doeß," said Ryder ; " bnt nee what fine t full, rounded shoulders you get," — There is nothing more tantalising to a man than to go home with something In bis mind he wants to scold about, and find company there, and bo obliged to act egret* ftbly, — At tha Masioale,— Flrtfc LadylTrlendi -*• Ob, my dear, I had so muoh to say to yon, and the pianist has finished." Second Lady Friend : " I'm dying to heat it, Lot's encore him," — A London undertaker has adopted a novel method for increasing bis business. His advertisement reads : " Funerals on the instalment plac Five shilling a week will bury your best friend." — Awkward.—^Husband : " Awfully sorry I'm so late, dear. Been detained on business with Teddy Newcombe all the evening." Wife : " Yes, darling 1 Mr Newcombe has been Waiting here for you since 9." THE TIJitE DRAWS NEAK. Spring cleaning time is near at hand, When man will sadly roam And realise as ne'er before There is no place like home. — At a Fancy-dress Ball. — "Might I ask what character you represent ? " " Helen of Troy," she answered. " What did you think it was 1 " " Well," he murmured, ungallantly enoogb, as weights and measures confused his brain, and he gazed on her ample proportions, " I thought you might be Helen t f Avoirdupois 1" — "Yes," said Mrs Fiveo'clock, "the family are most interesting. John dances divinely, Tom sings like an angel, David is a famous football player, and Sa&anne paints beautifully, and belongs to the reading club." •'And Henry?" "Ob, Henry 1 Well, he's rather doll, you know. He only works and supports the others."