FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2104, 21 June 1894, Page 39

FUN AND FANCY.

— The Best Thing Out.— Oat of debt. — The spinster can at least lay claim to self -possession. ~ Be content with your lot, especially if it's a lot of money. '

— The theatrical manager is known by the company he keeps. — In this world a man must be either a hammer or au anvil.

— A Close Friend. — The one who never lends you anything.

— Whenever you want invisible blue, just try to find a policeman. — This would be a much better world if more people would mind their own advice. — For every man with a sovereign in his pocket there are a dozen men scheming to get it. — A tramcar conductor knows what the wild waves are saying when he sees a woman wave her parasol.

— It is a consolation when another man is in trouble to think that it will prove a valuable lesson to him.

— An Irishman wittily described the influenza as "a disease that keeps you ill three weeks after you get well."

— The Emperor of China is rejoicing in the arrival of an heir. The baby has been temporarily named Ah Goo Prittee-Prittee.

— The malleability of gold 1b so great that a sheet of foil, it is said, can be beaten as thin as a slice of ham in a railway Bandwich.

— A man killed his wife with an axe a week or two back. The reporter's headlines announced, " Married First and Axed Afterwards."

— Extraot from the " Visitors' Book , of an hotel in Guernsey : " The living here is good, plain, and substantial. So is the waitress."

— In China the native word for " farewell " means, literally, "go away slowly." China is the place for telegraph messengers to emigrate to.

— Off to America.— Caller : " Doesn't it worry you to think of your daughter on the ocean ? " Old Lady : " Dear me, no. She can swim."

— If it is really true that the practice of kissing tends to the propagation of microbes, the outlook for the microbe family is a very cheering one.

— The Leeds man who named his hen " MacdufE " because it " laid on " has a neighbour who called his rooster " Robinson " because he crew so.

— Never bear more than one kind of trouble at a time. Some people bear three kindsall they have had, all they have now, and all they expect to have.

— Unfortunately Expressed. — Maude : " Yes, I am obliged to have my boots made to order. My left foot is larger than my right." Ethel: " Is it possible ?"

— " Why do you sign your name J. John B. B. B. Bronspn ? " asked Hawkins. " Because it is my name," said Bronson. " I was christened by a minister who stuttered."

—As a Fashion. — " Had the influenza ? Why, of course we have, dear. We had it when it first came out— when Lady Pettigrew had it, and all that set, you know." — Still Worse.— Kiogly : •• I don't think there is anything more disagreeable than a coldin the head." Bicgo: "Well, you just wait" until your wife gets a cold in her head."

—Mr Fowler : " Tommy, my son, do you know that it gives me as much pain as it does you when I punish you?" Tommy: "Well, there's some satisfaction in that, anyhow."

— " Papa, is the Jews' Passover the same as the Christians' Lent?" "Well, not exactly, my dear, though in one way they are similar ; for what the Jews pass over is lent ±o the Christiana."

,—, — Burglar (sternly): "Where's yer husband 1 " Woman (trembling) : " Under the bed ! " Bnrglar : " Then I won't take nothing. ' It's bad enough to have such a husband, without being robbed too."

— Yonng Mr Apesby : " I don't believe in Darwin's theory of man's descent from the monkey." Miss Soeerwell (significantly): " And yet it's very hard not to believe in it, too, when one looks at some people." «« What do you think of Herr Dunkelheimstein's execution ? " said Miss Gnshey, at the musical evening. " I hadn't heard of it," taid Old Growley, " but I think it's a good idea ; when does the hanging take place 1 " — Woes of an Author.— Blobbs : " I hear Scribbler's wife bad him fined for assault and battery. What was the row about?" Slobbs: "She took exception to certain passages in his latest book, ' How to Make Home Happy,' and he threw a chair at her."

Henderson ground bis strong white teeth together.