FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2057, 27 July 1893, Page 39

FUN AND FANCY.

— Sixpence in tbe pocket will buy more groceries than five shillings somebody owes you. ' • — " What I Told My WiEe " is tbe title of a new book. It is almost needless to say that it is fiction. — Women talk a good deal, of course, but bo would men if they had as many interesting things to say. — You never know how dear things are until you buy them, nor -how cheap they are until you sell them. — How glorious in the eyes of the world is the hero of poverty and sacrifices— after he has risen above thqm. — "I hate to hear people talk behind one's back," said the robber, when the constable called " Stop, thief I " — Nothing will. take the fight out of a quarrelsome man any quicker than to find out that there is no fight in you. — Small Boy: "What is an egotist?" Father : " One who talks about himself while you are longing to talk about yourself." — The Wretch.—" Does he write to you regularly since you became engaged ? " " No, sometimes I only get one letter a day." — Patent : " This is your birthday, Tommy. What can I do for you that will cause you pleasure?" Tommy: " Spank Johnny !" — "The letter 'o' is very much like a horse" remarked the judge. "In what way?" asked the major. "Gee makes it go." — First Gossip : "Do you believe that awful Btoiy they are telling about Miss Prim?" Second Gossip: "Yes. What is it?" — The keen man is quite as apt t6 come to grief as his dull fellow mortal. It is the well-sharpened lead pencil that is likely to break. — Men are frequently like tea — their real strength and goodness ' are not properly drawn out until they have been in bot water. • . — In the Wild West a man killed his wife with an axe. . The reporter's headlines announced " Being married first and axed afterwards." — The donkey is generally regarded as the most stupid of animals 1 , which is odd in view of the fact that it has the most brayin' power. — Fred: "What do you think of my argument?" Will: "Sonnd— most certainly sound." Fred: "And what else?" Will: " Nothing else — merely sound." > —" Is this coffee ? " asked one visitor of another. " I don't know," was the reply, as the speaker ruefully twirled the contents of his. cup, "but there axe certainly grounds for suspicion." — A six-year-old was seated in a barber's chair. "Well, my little man," said the barbsr, "how would yOu like your hair cut 1 " " Oh, like papa's, with a little round hole at the top." — Householder (collaring burglar) : " What are you doing in my house 1 " Burglar : •• Hush 1 I'm walkin' in my sleep, guvnor. Don't wake me of a suddint, or it might be the death o' me ! " /, — Looking Back.— "We are all growing older every day," moralised old Deepthinker. "Yes," assented Merritt; "all except Miss Spider. She grows five years younger every time she mentions her age." ~ Jake : " Here's an advertisement in th' paper fer that dog you found. The man wot own.3 him offers a reward." Jim: "How d'ye know it's a man?"' Jake: "Th' paper says ' no questions asked.' " — Dawkins : " I was a great friend of your late husband. Have yon any little thing of his you could let me have to remind me of him? " Disconsolate Widow : " What's the matter with me 7 " Exit Dawkins.

— Lady: "Is Mrs Binks at home'?" Servant : . " No'm." Lady : " Can you tell me when she will be at home ? " Servant : "As soon as she .gets tbe parlour dusted, mum, an' she's almost finished now."

— Spared His Feelings.— Proud Father: " But do yon think baby looks anything like me?" Diplomatic Friend: "I don't think it would be wise, 4 in the baby's presence, to express my opinion as to the matter." — Kindly Old Gent: "Well, my little mad, what would you like to be when you grow up?" Little Man :- "I'd like to be a nice old gentleman like you, with nothin' to do but walk around an' ask questions." -

— A fashion' paper says that dresses are to be full .this year. We prefer them full. The, idea. of a dress empty is ridiculous in the extreme. We should like to know wbafc satisfaction it would be to a young man to sit by the side,of an empty dresp. — A Ooup d'JEtat in Spain. — Recent events in Servia gave rise to the following dialogue on 'Change yesterday :— A. : " Have you seen the. latest despatch from Madrid?" B. : " No ; what* is it ?•" A. : " The king of Spain has placed his nurse under arrest and proclaimed himself to be weaned." — Kleino Presse.

Mr W. J. Steward urges that workmen's tools which cannot be manufactured in the colony should be admitted free of duty.