FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2055, 13 July 1893, Page 39

FUN AND FANCY.

— Friends are like umbrellas -r- they are never at hand when it rains. — Policemen are like the days of man, inasmuch as they are numbered. — " This is certainly a hand-tomouth existence," remarked the dentist. — " Now/this is what you call high arb," said the man who was frescoing the ceiling. ' — Every boy has an idea that if his father had lived at the right time he could have thrashed Goliath. — A contemporary mentions a case beyond the ordinary oculist. ' It is that of a young lidy who, instead of a pupil, has a college student in herveye. — " Pa," said Bertie the other day, " why do they call a ship • she '„? " " Because, my son, she is always on the lookout for buoys." — " Why so sad, old man 1 " "My marriage has had to be put off." " Dear, dear I Death in the family?" "No; she has eloped with another fellow." — Door-step Badinage.— " That's a curious milk-pail of yours,", said the milkman. " 'Taint near as curious as that pale milk of yours," replied the Eervant girl. — Miss Antique (school teacher) : " What does w-h-i-t-e spell 1 " Glass— no answer, j Miss Antique : " What is the colour of my ekin 1 " Class (in chorus) : '! Yellow." —" So you wrote her a poem 1 " " Yes," replied the young man Eadly. " What did/ she say?" "She said she admired my letter; but she didn't quite understand why every line began with a capital letter." — Only One Way. —Mr Micawber : " I wish I knew some nice easy way to make money." Mrs Micawber. i " Well, my dear, yon might get your life insured, and then die." — Wealth does nob bring happiness. Oysters, for instance, obtain very little real joy from the jewel case which Providence has sarcastically placed in one corner of their cradle. - — Mrs Gaswell: "It was so cold at Mrs Upperton's this afternoon that my teeth actually chattered." Mr Gaswell : " Gracious I Couldn't you do enough chattering with your tongue? '.' ■ — " Well, what's your latest fish yarn ? " " You know Pickett's brook ? " " Yes, I do. Forty pounder, I suppose — and you threw it back." '* No. Fished there for eight steady hours and never got a bite." — Welcome Information. — Tramp : " Please, mum, I haven't a friend or a relative in the world." Housekeeper : " Well, I'm glad there's no one to worry over you'if you get eaten. Here, Carlo I " , — Innate Perversity. — The Wife : "The night you were away, John, the baby cried for nearly seven, hours." The Husband : •'Why didn't you tell him I wasn't here? He would have stopped then." ■ — The spectacle of a dentist' suffering with an aching molar is rare but consolatory. It is a sight which is, perhaps, vouchsafed to us but once in a lifetime ; but its charm remains with us for long years. — Schoolmistress (just beginning a nice improving lesson upon minerals to the juniors) : " Now, what are the principal things we get out of the earth ?" Youthful Angler, aged fonr (confidently) : "Worms." — Boy: "The teacher cays ducks iiy at the rate of 200 miles an hour." Father: " That's nothing. Pheasants fly at the rate of 1000 miles an hour." Boy: "How d'ye know?" Father: "I've tried to shoot 'em." . ! — Miss Fisher: ('I really don't think I shall take part again in theatricals. I always feel as though I were making a fool of myself." Pilking (who always says the wrong thing): "Ob, everybody thinks that." . — As William bent, over her fair face be whispered : "Darling, if I should ask you in French if I might kiss you, what wauld.you answer ? " She, summoning her scanty knowledgo of French, replied : " Billet doux!" ; -— A Curious Instance.— Teacher : "It is a well-known natural phenomenon that heat expands and cold contracts. Give me an instance." Papil : " Please, sir, the holidays. In summer they last six weeks ; in winter only four." — Where to Begin.— Mrs Trotabout : " I shall be away from home the greater part of the day, as I have joined the Sooiety for the Suppression of Needless and Nerve-racking Noises." Mr T.: "Good idea, 1 my dear.' Take the baby along with you.", — Life Insurance Manager (in astonishment) : " What under the sun ever made you take a risk on this man's life? Why, be swears that be has been a confirmed Invalid for five years." Agent : " One of the beßt risks, sir. Confirmed invalids never die of anything but old age." — Visitor (picking up the baby) : "So this is the baby, is it ? Bless his little tootsie wooteie?. Kcheel Watch me poke urn's ribs." The Up-to-Date Baby : " Mother, will you kindly inform me whether the deplorable condition of this person is due to permanent dementia or spasmodic and intermittent insanity?"