FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2051, 15 June 1893, Page 39

FUN AND FANCY.

— It is hard to feel at home with people who never make mistakes. — Kindness too far extended becomes in the eyes of the recipient an obligation. A miller seldom complains, although his is the most grinding of all vocations. — Teacher : " Can any of you boys tell me what the Great Plague was ? " Tommy : v Lessons." — Justice O'Halloran: "Have you any children, Mrs Kelly ? " Mrs Kelly : " I have — two living an' wan mairied." — She : " I'll never marry a man whose fortune hasn't at least five ciphers in it." He Cexultingly) : " Oh, darling, mine's all cipher?." — At the Club. — " What's wrong with Chappie 1 " " S-sh I He thought of something last night, and he's crying to think what it was." — " Carrie," said the bashful youth, with a gasp, "if you liked somebody else about the same as you like me, would you care to marry him ? " —An Exception.— Snooper : "There is nothing pei feet on this earth." Swayback: " You forget Gilley." " What about Gilley 1 " " He's a perfect ass." — " I'm afraid that bed is not long enough for you," said a landlord to a 6 ft guest. •• Never mind," he replied. " I'll add two more feet to it when I get in." — " You may bring me," said the Girton girl, " a small poitton of Celtic disturbance." "A which, is it ? " said the waiter. " Irish stew, you stupid," answered she. — "The only thing left now," said the connsel to his inexperienced client, "is the judge's charge." " How much is it likely to be 7 " asked the client, anxiously. — Concerning Faces. —" If a person is talented I can always tell it from his face." "So can I ; one glance at Mrs Old field's face would prove to me that she paints." — Years Ago.— Head of the Firm : " That's a very ehabby office coat you are wearing, Mr Travers." Travers : "Ygs, sir. I got this with the last rise in my salary." — A Clear Track.— Young Callow: "Do you know there are certain lines that keep running through and through my head all the time." Miss Catting : " Well, what's to stop them 1 " — Daughter (looking up from her novel) : " Papa, in time of trial what do you suppose brings the most comfort to a man 1 " Papa (who is a magistrate): "An acquittal, I Bhould think." — " Use your fork, Johnnie. Have you forgotten so soon what I told you about using your fingers ? " " Well, mamma, fingers were made before forks." " Yes, they were ; but not yours, my son." — They were talking about beauty the other evening, when Miss S. remarked: " Well, say what you will, ugly people arc almost always unusually bright." Miss B. (solto vooe) : " The egotist." — Newwed : " How long does a man have to be mairied before his wife agrees with him in everything 7 " Oldwed (mournfully) : "You'll have to a&k somebody else, my boy ; I've only been married 40 years." — " There is no beef like the beef of Old England," said the Chicagoan to his English host. " That i 3 a good deal of an admission from you, isn't it?" said the Englishman. " Oh, no," said the other. " Most of the beef of Old England is Imported from Chicago." Horticultural Gentleman : " You say here, in this article of yours, that you have cultivated hot-house lilac bushes that have attained the height of over 50£t." Literary Pigot: "Yes; why?" Horticultural Gentleman (musingly) : ""Nothing, only I wish I could lilac that." An observant student of human nature has noticed that when a man considers himself possessed of more than ordisary ability he frequently lets his hair grow long ; whereas a woman who thinks the same of herself, and wants to be the emancipator of her sisters, cuts her hair short. — "How do you manage to get rid of bores 7 " asked Snodgrass as he came in and took a seat by the editor's desk. "Oh, easily enough," replied the editor. " I begin to tell them stories about my smait youngsters. Now, only the other day he said— What! must you go? Well, good morning." — The Sound of the Horn. — An individual of considerable importance, by name Tootle, onco attended a reception, accompanied by his wife. The announcement was made — " Mr Tootle 1 " "And Mrs Tootle," was suggested, sotto voee, in corrective tones. " And Mrs Tootle too I " resounded like the blast o£ a horn through the room, to the evident amusement of the large assembly. — An intelligent foreigner is said to have expressed himself after the following fashion on the absurdities of the English language : " When I discovered that if I was quick I was fast, if I stood firm I was fast, if I spent too freely I was fast, and that not to eat was to fast, I was discouraged ; but when I came across the sentence, ' The first one won one guinea prize,' I was tempted to give up English and learn some other language." — Turning the Laugh. — A Frenchman •who had bravely filled a place in the ranks during the war sought employment from a general of his own nationality. The soldier had unfortunately lost his nose in action, and his appearance was so singular that his late superior officer burst into a loud laugh on beholding him. " Where on earth, my good fellow, did you lose your nose ? " he asked. "I lost it, General," replied the private, "in the same battle where you lost your head." * — Not so Stupid.— The over-bearing ways of drill sergeants with new recruits are a familiar subject of gossip in the barracks of European countries. On one occasion a recruit showed po little aptitude for military movements that the sergeant broke out to Lim— " Blockhead 1 Are they all such idiots as you in your family ? " " No," said the recruit. " I have a brother who is a great deal more stupid than I am." " Impossible 1 and what on earth does this incomparable blockheadjdo ? " "Heis a drill sergeant I " The soothing restorative effects of Ayer's Cherry Pectoral are realised in bII cases of colds, coughs, throat or lung troubles, while its powerful healing qualities are shown in the moat serious pulmonary disorders,