A Burglar's Adventure.

Otago Witness, Issue 2046, 11 May 1893, Page 50

A Burglar's Adventure.

The "house with the cupola," as it was generally referred to, was situated at the head of the long and straggling street oalled Main street, in the village of Davisburg. It was built for and occupied by the editor of the Clarion. To be more explioit, Mr Bonesefc, as I will call him, was editor, publisher, and proprietor of the Clarion. Mr Boneset wasn't much of an editor, and the Clarion wasn't much of a newspaper, bat both managed to exist. The editor was 15 years building the house with the cupola. All the lumber, hardware, plastering, and painting was secured by advertising and subscriptions. Not all, either, for now and then the editor put in a day or two with saw and jackplane, and now and then the office force waß sent up there with brush and paintpot. The office force consisted of a boy anywhere from 13 to 16 years, who acted as "devil," and an old man named Fosdick, who acted as foreman, pressman, local editor, job printer, and bo on. It wasn't always the same boy, for boys change as do the seasons, but it was always Fosdick. He was 40 years old when the cellar was dug ; he was 45 when the house was enclosed ; he was 50 when the windowß were put in and the outside doors hung ; and he was a day or two over 55 when the editor moved in. Some of the rooms were not " done off " yet, and the cupola was only an open framework, but the editor concluded to move in and take 15 years more to finish up. One day a week or so after the Clarion's announcement that "we have finally moved into our new house on the hill, and our wife is well pleased with the location," the wife was called away by the illness of a relative, and that night the editor had the house all to himself . It was an autumn night, and he shut himself in ao much as possible, because the weather was chilly. It was midnight by the clock he had taken in exchange for a half-column ad. on the third page for six months, when he was aroused from his dreams. A man with a pistol sat on the bed beside him. A lamp lustd been lighted by the intruder, and the editor had only to open his eye 3to realise that something had happened to knock his usual routine into "pie." "I want money," growled the intruder, as he saw that the editor was awake.

" How did you get in ? " queried the latter. "By way of a ladder, the roof, and the cupola, if you want to know. Come, shell out." "My friend, we have nothing to shell," was the honest reply. "We did have three dollars in cash, but we gave it to our wife when she went away to-day. You may possibly find 30 or 40 cents in our trousers, but the sum total will not reach 50."

"You are a of a man, you are," exclaimed the burglar. " Get out of bed and look around. I've got to have money, and you must shell out or take the consequences " "My friend, we'll get out of bed and we'll search araund, but the result will be fruitless. The fact is we've got to borrow money of someone to get our next bundle of paper. Couldn't you" He was about to ask if the burglar couldn't take it out in advertising at regular rates, and offer him space next to reading matter on the fourth page, but the man made a gesture of impatience, and the proposal was cut short. "Now, overhaul that bureau," commanded the burglajr as Mr Boneset got into his trousers.

The sum total of wealth would not have figured up a dollar. There was an old locket, a washed finger ring, and a plated watchchain ; many years old. The burglar was indignant, and made threats. He ordered Mr Boneset to accompany him about the house and overhaul closets and trunks and boxes. He even insisted on a search of the pantry, saying that he had heard of people hiding their money in old teapots on the top shelf. As the editor appeared , to be mild-mannered and harmless, the burglar gradually relaxed his precautions. They had finished with the pantry when Mr Boneset saw his opportunity. Urged by a force he could not resist, although he had never oven knocked a chip off a man's shoulder in his life, he struck out with his right and hit the stranger on the point of the jaw. It was a prizefighter's blow, and the stranger was put to sleep. Mr Boneset lost 30 seconds of valuable time in recovering from his amazement, but then he reached for one of the half dozen clotheslines he had taken in payment for a 3in ad. on the third page, and in a couple of minutes had his man securely bound. He was in time. Indeed, he had started a bit of fire in the kitchen stove and drawn up the family rocking chair before the burglar regained his senses. " Well, as you see, the tables are turned," observed the editor as he set his chair in motion. The burglar struggled and cursed and hreatened, but he was helpless. "As an editor," continued Mr Boneset, "we have continuously, and persistently advocated that we had too much law in this country, and that most of the laws were too severely enforced. Take the crime of burglary, for instance. We can remember 50 different infitances where we have declared that the minimum penalty even was a relic of barbarism. We have strenuously contended that men were driven to crime in order to procure the necessities of life, and that instead of more prisons we needed more aid societies. Our esteemed contemporary has always taken an opposite view, and our arguments have been very exhaustive and rancorous. Were you driven to this crime because of hunger P" "Look here, you ole bloke, I'll have your life for this," replied the burglar. " Are you hungry ? " " Hungry ? D'ye think I'm a fool ?" . "Have you looked in vain for chance to turn your muscle into money in an honest way?" 1( " D'ye mean work ? " "Yes." "Well, you are a sap-headed idiot. I'd like to c itch myself ■ /orking ! " " Then you are a criminal from choice, eh?" "Of course I am, you moonfaced fool, and unless you untie me I'll have your life for this ! " " Then our esteemed contemporary has been right all along," sighed Mr Boneset as he looked down upon his victim. "Our arguments have been founded upon ignorance, and our deductions have convinced no one but oureelf. You are the first criminal we have encountered in the flesh. All our arguments were based on criminals in the abstract. We have been deceived. Our delusions have been put to flight." The robber cursed him high and low and struggled with his bonds, and Mr Boneset continued :—: —

"Better late than never, however. We shall now advocate the maximum punishment and more. You entered our house to rob us. Let us see if you have anything worth taking." He knelt down besids the man and searched

his pockets. The search brought to light a gold watch, 37d0l in cash, and a diamond pin — the proceeds of a crime committed elsewhere.

" Ah ! This is better ! " chuckled Mr Boneset. "This is more money than we have handled in three months. We shall appropriate everything to our own personal benefit;. It is lucky you paid us this visit. This plunder dispels any last lingering doubt that necessity drove you to crime."

For the next two minutes the burglar indulged in a continuous stream of blasphemy, and wound up by uttering terrible threats of what would happen when he got free.

"If such are your intentions," replied Mr Boneset, after a visit to his bedroom to put away the plunder, "it is only reasonable that we should reciprocate the sentiment which inspires you." He picked up the broom, which was one of a dozen received for a 4in advertisement published six consecutive weeks following local matter, broke off the handle, and for five long minutes he pounded the burglar's body from chin to heel. The man yelled and cursed, and rolled over and over on the floor, and when the blows ceased to fall he said : " If I have to live a thousand years, I'll have your life for this!" " Another one of our pet theories has been that criminals were not vicious," replied the editor as he sat down to rest. "In the last issue of the Clarion we had a half-column article on the subject. We contended that the average criminal had neither spite nor malice, but was simply seeking to get what the world denied him — a living. You seem to be a thoroughly wicked man." "You bet I am!"

"In our issue of two weeks ago we contended that the average robber aimed to rob the rich only, and only because they were oppressed by capital. Were we correct ? No. I see we are not. The moment you entered this house you realised that it belonged to a poor man. There are at leasb ten men in this town worth 25,000d0l each, but you passed them all by. We further contended that the robber simply sought for plunder. Your actions, on first arousing us, led us,to believe that failure to secure plunder would have led you to assault us."

" Yes ; I wish I had put a bullet into your head and gone through the house afterward," growled the man. The editor arose and wielded the broom handle for another five minutes, and then sat down to remark :

" About six weeks ago there was a case of punishment in the New Jersey State Prison which arsused public discussion. A convict refuged to obey orders, and got the strap. We contended that a few kind words would have touched his heart [and broken his resolution, while our c teemed" contemporary argued that he should have been punished an hour sooner than he was. It seems that we were wrong in that particular also." " Look out for me, old man," growled the burglar as he gritted his teeth. "I see. Our whole line of reasoning from start to finish has been wrong, though' we don't propose to admit it and give our esteemed contemporary opportunity to exult. We shall simply declare that we have 'closed the discussion for fear of wearying our intelligent subscribers. Excuse my pertinacity, but was it the knowledge that Gould, Vanderbilt, and Astor had tens of millions while you had only a few' shillings which drove you into crime?" " You are a fool ! " was the blunt reply. "But tell me, could you have found work and lived an honest life had you so desired ?" " Work ! Why you hump-nosed bloke, who wants work when he can make a living without ! As for honesty, everybody grabs what he can get. The only thing I'm sorry about is that such a fool as you are should have laid me by the heels in this fa9hion. If I was free I'd roast you at the fire ! " "We believe you would, but you won't get free. We can now clearly see what an ass we have made of ourself in arguing as we have, and"

And he rose up and applied the broom handle again until his shoulders ached. Greatly to his surprise the burglar called for mercy. "Can, this be a parallel case of the New Jersey affair ?" gasped Mr Boneset. "All our kind words produced no effect on you, but corporal punishment seems to bring you to terms."

"For heaven's sake don't wallop me any more," whined the man. " You have threatened to murder us." " But that was all guff." "You would have robbed and maltreated us." " But I'm sorry I ever came in here." " How about living a thousand years to get revenge on us ? " " All nonsense ! Say, old man, let up on me, and I'll make tracks. You've had all the fun there was in it, and can afford to turn me loose." , "Not yet. In our arguments with our esteemed contemporary we have repeatedly declared that criminals were only hardened by corporal punishment. We now discover that we have been altogether wrong, and that" "Don't, don't ! " shouted the burglar as Mr Boneset spat on his hands and flourished the broomstick. " You didn't get all my money. If you will let me go I will tell you where I have hidden lOOdol." "Well?" "In that left boot. Take it and let me go, and you'll never see me around here again." Mr Boneset pulled off the boot and found five 20dol bills in it. He put them in his pocket and asked, "Got any more?" " Not ared. Now let me go." Holding the burglar's revolver in one hand and using the knife with the other, Mr Boneset soon frped the fellow from bondage. He had no pluck left. He got upon his feet with a groan, .opened the kitchen door as commanded , and the editor followed him around the house to the front gate. The man hadn'c a word to say. He gained the highway and dragged himself out of sight in tha darkness, and has never been heard of in the village since. Mr Boneset looked after him for a long time, and then slowly re-entered the house, hunted up paper and pencil, and sat down and wrote : — " Ooit Victory. — From the numerous letters received from subscribers we are. satisfied that we have won a complete victory over our esteemed contemporary in the discussion regarding criminals— how they are made such, how they should be treated, what kindness will do for them, &c. We shall therefore pursue the subject no further, but devote the space to additional local and general news of interest to our many intelligent subscribers."