WITH THE UNATTACHED.

Otago Witness, Issue 2009, 25 August 1892, Page 38

WITH THE UNATTACHED.

By Aktee Maht.

11.-NED'S MISHAPS.

Lighting the fire is generally a Bource of discomfort to those of the unattached who baohelorise, or, in other words, do their own housekeeping.

One of this genus cordially disliked early rising for this purpose, and also the performance of the duty itself, and only did so on compulsion. His mate objected to such behaviour, and, as a natural consequence, a continual controversy existed between them on the snbjecb. One nJght^a moonlight one — a mutual friend happened to be staying with them. He suggested to the injured mate that it would be a good j<jke to make the other get up daring the night, under the impressicn that it was breaking day. The two conspirators then allowed the victim to get sound asleep. Shortly after midnight they drew the blinds just far enough apart to give sufficient light for the deception, and being winter time the ruse was successful, and the half light of a winter morning was faithfully represented. Then they got back to bed, tucked themselves comfortably in, and started the fun.

Unconscious of all surrounding him, Ned lay on the broad of his back, comfortably snoring a rhythmical nocturnal melody of his own composition till his rude awakening began, and the following one act farce ensued :—: — " Ned ! Hey 1 wake up man 1 " "Eh 1 What's that 1 " rubbing his eyes. " Come on ! Look slippy now. You haven't much time."

" Why— er," yawning, " I seem — er only to haye — er— yer— yah I — just gone to sleep. What's the time ? "

tf Twenty -five minutes to 8," unblu3hingly, "and I'm not going to get your breakfast to-day, mister."

" Who want's you to ? " Then a shake of the bed and an indistinct mumbling.

" Well, aren't you going to get up ? What a lazy lump you are." ;• Who's a lazy lump ? "

11 You are."

" That's good 1 Not half as lazy as you, anyway." Then a bound, a muttered growl, and he's out of bed and tumbling into his clothes haphazard. ■ As he does so he is chivvied with, " what are yon dancing round like that for ? It isn't cold."

" Floor not cold 1 Come out and try. You're not game to." With this parting shot he. dives out to the rear for wood, and reappearing starts the fire, bis teeth meanwhile chattering audibly.

" What'er you making that noise for ? " he gets for sympathy. "This is no time for playing with castanets."

"Oh ! you are smart ar'n't you 1 " as the kettle is filled and jambed down amidst the flames.

" Say, Ned, you'll hurt that kettle If you don't mind."

" I'll hurt you if you're not civil."

"Will you? Yon're getting excited. Keep your hair on. What are you rushing things for ? You're not as short of time as all that I Get out of the light and lets see the clock, or tell us the time now."

" It's," looking at the clock, " a quarter to thedeviU"

" Well," with an effort to 6tifle a fit of laughter, " what are you standing there for? Can't you see the time ? "

No answer but a solemn walk to the window and a silent scrutiny of the Bilvery lunar orb,

Then, as it dawned upon him : " You confounded skunks I Funny, ar'n't you 1 " But nothing but convulsive gasps and gurgles comes from the other two whom he designate? as the personification of all the vices under heaven. Then, vowing a deep, deadly, meditated revenge in the future, he returns to his bed, fuming over the trick served him. The last thing he. hears before again entering the realms of dreamland is : " Ned, don't forget the fire in the morning."

I don't know whether hs's had the revenge yet or not, but knowing the man, I should imagine he has bad it ere now.

Sometimes he Buffered from other causes than the oonsequence of tardiness in early rising. I remember him having an exciting time over some clothes he had washed while suffering from a fit of cleanliness. Not content with washing up the tea things, he thought he would try hia hand on ether things. Dishcloths, towels, handkerchiefs, and a garment that had once been either a Crimean or a boating shirt, but which now performed the functions of a sao de nuit, formed the principal articles of the washtub, which last-named, by the way, was a small tic basin. However, he struggled manfully on through his task, and having thoroughly we_t them first, and wri^ng them out afterwards, which was his idea of cleansing them, he hunted round for a means of drying them. It was suggested that he could tie a string from one side of the room to the other, and so form a very serviceable clothesline.

The string bore the strain very well until the last thing was put on in the shape of the aforementioned night attire, and then there was a sudden snap and everything came to the floor. That is to say, everything excepting this garment. It couldn't behave ac the rest of the things did, and by way of variety spread itself over the ashes in front of the fireplace. He had been particularly careful in cleaning it, and now to see this valuable possepsion of his descend into the ashes almost paralysed him. But paralysis wasn't much in bis line. He gaaod for only a second at the shirt, then dived after it, fished it out, and gingerly holding it at arm's length, spoke of various things. Some of them related to his childhood's days, and, some to after life. They all were clearly shown forth as happening specially to him .and to no one else. Other people escaped these trials ; he alone was fated to suffer them. After beiag rinsed out, the array of half-washed odds and ends were once more , hung, and the improvised line knotted more firmly. Then he sat down to contemplate the result of his double labour. Just then some one oame in, and carelessly crossing the room, canght his neck in the Btring, when down oame the whole affair at once. There

was a flop! Then, "Well I'm Mowed I" from the victim.

"What blockhead stuck that man trap up ? " asked the visitor. Thea a wordy warfare ensued which I would like to give, but I am afraid that the paper would be unequal to the strain and ro off in a blue flame in my hand. After a bit calmness was restored, and so, too, was the drying apparatus. Not for long though. The victim's mate, returning weary and hungry at this time, went to the cupboard. This was all right, aad they both would have gone to bed serenely had not tbe hungry one, in backing out of the cupboard and assuming his perpendicular attitude, come suddenly in contact with the line. Of course the two previous episodes were repeated. The result was that a bellicose exchange of opinions took place. Said one: "When I told you to mind them, why didn't you ? You wooden-headed son of a gun 1 "

" And didn't I mind them ? Who'd expect them to be so close? D'ye think I'm playing circus?" * *

" No, but I'm certain you're playing the fool. It's all you're fit for. Do you imagine I'm going to work here all night for you to come and spoil it all 1 "

"Go on. Say I did ib on purpose." "Looks mighty like it, anyway. Last time I'll wash your handkerchiefs, so I tell you now."

" Who asked you to wash them 1 I didn't. Wash your own dirty things ; they need it ; but leave mine alone."

With this exordium he raises the line, and together they fix it up. Several others, who have been witnessing the performance, add their 'assistance, and their good-humoured descriptions of the previous catastrophes soon restore harmony. But things were not to go smoothly after all. The final crusher was yet to come. They had all been gaily chatting away over the latest joke up town, when the victim, in reaching for something off the wall, became entangled in the source, of all bis worry. As the things fell he was heard to mutter that they could stay there till doomsday for all he cared. A resigned look came into t his face. He seemed to feel fate was against him-r-he was helpless ; so he just left things at that. The others, not being fatalists, gave the line and its collective burden another chance. Ned, however, had had more to vary the monotony of that evening than he thought the occasion required, and he sends his washing out now. He says there is too much worry and trouble attached to it, so he washes clothes no more.