FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2008, 18 August 1892, Page 37

FUN AND FANCY.

— Hush Money. — A penny to the organ grinder.

— Progress is very well, but vdry few ladies rejoice over a new wrinkle.

— The man with an impediment in his speech never speaks well of anybody.

— There is scarcely a woman who has as much confidence in her husband as she has in a shop egg.

— It ia curious that a woman who screams at a mouse is not startled by a dressmaker's bill that makes a man tremble.

— " That is a wideawake baby of your?, Brownson." " Yes," rep'ied Brownson with a yawn, "particularly at night."

— Tommy: '• Pa, wbich is the heaviest, lead or gold ? " Mr Figg : " Gol ), of cour-e. It's ever so much harder to pick up."

— The man who points out our faults to us is a true friend; but we feel that we should like to kick him all the saci".

— " Papa, wliere's atoms 1 " " Atoms, my boy ; what do you mean ? " " Why, that place where everything gets blown to." — Teacber : " Now, what animal is it, dear, that furnishes jou with shoes to wear and m 'at to eat ? " Little Girl : "My father, mam." — Willis : " Did the doctor do anything to hasten your recovery 1 " Wallace : " Oh, yes ; he told me he was goir-g to charge me a guinea a visit." — Mrs Darley : " Sometimes the people in Russia eat cancUe3. What do you think oE that?" Darley: "I think they might dj for a light luncheon."

— "Martha," said her father, "William asked me for your hand last night, and I consented." " Well, pa, that's the first biil of mine you haven't objected to."

— What a sly animal the fox is, to be sure 1 The other day a pack of houuds followed one for three hours, and when they finally ran it down found that it was a red dog.

— The man who has never needed to have any teeth ■drawn is the loudest in advising the sufferer to " brace himself together like a man, and have the thing out at once."

—•' Oh yes ; Oppenheimer v.is honest. He paid his chief greditor in full, undt de odders tventy per cent." " Who vhas dot chief greditor ? " " Mrs Oppenheimer.' — Photographer : " Now, then, Mr Crosser, if you please, look pleasant for a moment — that's it — a moment longer — there. You may now resume your natuial expression." — Wife (whose husband is rescuing her from drowning): "Shall I keep my mouth shut, John ? " Husband : " Yes, if you Can."

— Jones : "Do throw that thine; away." Brown: "Look here! I don'G often give sixpence for a cigar, but when Ido " Jones : " You get fourpence change, I should think. 1 '

— '• Is your husband addicted to the use of alcoholic stimulants?" queried the fair missionary. "No, mum," was the reply, " but the way he does drink whisky is a caution."

— Deacon (solemnly) : " Little boy, do you go fishing on Sunday 1 " Small boy (gleefully)—" Oh, yes, sir; isn't it ju&t bully? Corr.c on and I'll show you a dandy place to get Yin." — Taking a Rest.—" I say, Dumley," remarked Fea'herly, "you look tired and worn out. Why don'c you take a holiday 1 " "I have just got back from one," replied Dumley wearily. — First Friend : " I see Jack and Molly have made it up again. Why was the eapagement broken off ? " Second Friend : " They had a quarrel as to which loved the other the most." — A master of one of our public school?, drawing on the blackboard a picture of a cart carrying rubble on the wall of Troy, thas explained: "This cart was probably drawn by a donkey ." After discussing the peculiarities of absent friends, one lady observed that she had a niec3 at Girton who had no legs, and never went to bed. It seems she only has " limb?," and only " retires." — An observing assis'ant in a draper's sh'.p has noticed that when a woman asks to be taken to the silk counter she speaks in a much louder voice than whsn the asks to look at the calico remnants. ->Giis cle Jjy: "Y-i-a-s; I had a hard time, you know, with the fevab. It was thought foh a time that I might lose my mind." Young woman (greatly interested; ; " And did 3 on, Mr do J-xy 1 " • — Nowwed : "II jw long does amm have to ba married before his wife agree 3 with him in everything? " Old wed : (mournfully): " You'il have to ask somebody else, my boy; I've only been rnanied 40 yen?." Maud : " Sha is a woman who has suffered a great deal for her beliefs." Ethel : " Dear me I What are her beliefs ? " Maud : " She believes that she can wear a No. 3 shoe on a No. G foot, and a 23 in corset on a 30in w.iist " — '"What's in a name?" Ah, Williatr, you don't know everj thing, that's certain. Salt cm ba bought for a few coppers a block, but call it cbloride of sodium, and the chemists will mulct you to the tune of half-#.-crown for one poor scruple.

Both as an anodyne and expectorant, AVer's Cherry Pectoral is prompt in its action. It checks the advance of disease, allay 3 all tendency to inflammation and consumption, and speedily restores health.