EDITOR'S WALLET.

Otago Witness, Issue 2004, 21 July 1892, Page 46

EDITOR'S WALLET.

All Along o' Leap Year. Happy man ! His feet were on the fender, his slippers were on his toes ; his glass was on the table, his glasses were on his nose. His thoughts were on his coupons, his paper was on his lap, when on the door there suddenly came, a sharp, resounding rap. A woman entered, and at the same moment the door on the opposite side of the room was also opened, and another woman appeared. They glared at each other like tigresses. " Viper ! " screeched the first comer. " Rattlesnake ! " hissed the second at the female confronting her. From side to side the poor man's head began to wag ; his eyeballs rolled as did the lion's which Lord Randy tried to bag. His hands were trembling like the well-known aspen leaf, or like a missionary entering the oven of a heathen chief. Intuitively, each woman divined the object of the other's visit ; quickly they called a truce, and spun into the air the coins that would tell them who [should go and who should stay. Miserable wretch ! The man looked silly and half scared, for though one female disappeared, the other knelt before his chair, her amorous passion to declare. She pleaded long ; he heeded not ; soon Number Two was on the spot. " Time's up ! " she cried, " you've had your say ; ctear out at once, I'll win the day." "No fear," the first fair charmer yelled, as anger fierce her bosom swelled ; " the man's a fool, I tell you that ; and you've no chance, you odious cat." Like cats they fought, yet on the ground, Kilkenny tails were never found ; but in their stead two sets of bangs, which now the poor man always hangs, like Indian scalps upon his tent, reminders of the sad hour spent, with ladies, both on " popping " bent. And, would you believe ifc, this was all along o' Leap Year ? Not a Success. "Big hats are certainly very annoying for the unfortunate people who are obliged to sit behind them," said a m isculine theatre-goer. " 1 heard a funny story about a man who, by a smart device, was enabled to see the stage and play after an hour of the most energetic dodging and squirming. The story told was about a man who found himself sitting behind two women who wore extraordinarily large Gainsborough hats. "The man dodged first one way and then another, vainly endeavouring to get a peep at what was occurring on the stage, but with little success. Finally a brilliant idea struck him, and, putting on his own high hat, he awaited developments. "He was not detained long, for a dozen voices called out : ' Take that hat off !' The ladies, thinking the shouts were given for them, immediately took their hats off, and the man enjoyed the play without further interruption. "Well, I found myself in the same predicament one evening, so I thought I would follow the example of the man in the story. It took a heap of nerve, I can assure you, but at last I mustered up courage and put on my tile. "Not a word did I hear from behind me, but fluddenly an old, white-haired man reached over and gave my hat a tremondouß whack with his stick. That settled it. I took the battered remnant of my hat off, and slunk as quickly as possible out of the house amid the jeers and laughter of the ' pitites.' " Taught Him a Lesson. While Minister to Russia, ex-Governor Andrew G. Curtin had an American visitor, a New Yorker, with all the sanyfroid of the average American. The New Yorker desired to be presented to the Czar, but, as no civilians are accorded that distinguished privilege, all that Minister Curtin could do was to offer his compatriot a chance to see his Majesty pass a certain point on his morning ride. The New Yorker (says Mr Curtin, who tells the story) was promptly by my side next morning, and the imperial sleigh, with all ceremony, came gliding by. The Czar inclined his head slightly as he noticed the United States Minister, who doffed his hat, as all persons are required to do in Russia as the Czar passes. The New Yorker remained covered. I asked him why he did not raise his hat. " Well, I am as good as the Czar, and I never take off my hat to any one in token of their superiority," replied the American. "You'll hear of this before long," I said. Next day I received a very polite personal note from Prince Gortschakoff, asking me to call at the Foreign Office at my earliest convenience. When I called the prince said : "MrCurtiu, you were iv the street yesterday when the Czar passed, and it was noticed that Mr , who was with you.did not remove his hat. An unintentional mistake on the part of Mr , I suppose." "Prince," I answered, "I might, I suppose, tell you a diplomatic lie and say that it was a mistake, but I will not. Mr kept his hat on from choice." The prince knew as well as I did why my friend had not removed his bat. The following day my New York friend rushed into my office with an official letter written to him in French, and asked me to read it to him. I looked it over and said .- "Well, you have permission to leave this empire at once, and you had better go." "Not much ! lam an American citizen, and ' will stay here as long as I like." That very afternoon a sleigh pulled up in front of the quarters of Mr , and two gendarmes, without saying a word, bundled all his traps into the sleigh, and taking Mr , of New York, American citizen, into custody, saw him across the frontier. The Worm Turned. There is an American lady lecturer of some celebrity who has a mild-mannered gentleman for a husband. He sinks his personality, minds his own affairs, and lets his wife travel about and gather fame unhindered. But the other day he broke over the traces with a vengeance. Bursting into her presence with his arms filled high with a fresh delivery from the laundry, he said : " This thing must stop right here." "Why, what is the trouble, dear?" asked the talented lecturer. " Trouble ! Trouble enough," he retorted, his voice shaking. ' ' I have stood by quietly and let you have your own way with the public. That is all right. I make no objection now. But when my shirts come back from the laundry marked ' Sarah T. Rorer,' I draw the line." There was No Tragedy. In his excitement his voice rose, and the two men in the next room heard him say, with startling distinctness — "You're a liar — understand? What you say is a foul, deliberate lie, and I tell you so to your face." ' The man in the next room, with hie chair

against the door connecting the two rooms, got up and hastily moved away, and he and his companion waited silently for the climax. "You're a dishonest scoundrel!" went on the voice. "Your enmity is a greater honour than your friendship. Your associates show that." " There'll be trouble there in a minute," said a listener. " What's the trouble about ? " " Don't know," replied the other. " I didn't overhear the first of the conversation. But I'm glad to get away from that door — a bullet would come through it mighty easy." " If a man said that to me," continued the voice, " I'd shoot him — understand ? I'd kill him if I wasn't a skulking coward ! " The two listeners held their breath until they heard the man in the next room continue in a lower tone — " That's what I said to him, and " " Ho ! " said one of the listeners. " He's just telling what he said to someone else." " What he says he said to someone else," corrected the other. " I know the class." — Chicago Tribune. How She Knew. Simpson would have sworn he was not drunk. To be sure, the keyhole was a trifle hard to find, but then his latchkey "was always rather obstinate after midnight. When he got the door open he hung his coat on the hat rack and removed his shoes, and taking them iv his hand walked quietly upstairs, so as not to awaken Mrs Simpson. He lighted the gas and disrobed in as orderly a manner as any sober man would. Then he kuelt down beside the bed and had just commenced his prayers when a ripple of laughter interrupted him. Simpson glanced up and saw his wife sitting up in bed laughing heartily. He retained his position and began in painfully deliberate accents to remonstrate with his hilarious consort. "I shuppoze you think I'm 'sprung,' don't you ? '' "Oh, no; not at all." "Then what are you snickering about? I didn't have a cab, and. I hung up my coat, and I folded up my clothes and laid them on the chair, and here I was saying (hie) my prayers, and you sit there laughing. You know yourself that no 'ntoxicated man ever (hie) says his prayers." " Well, my dear, I suppose you are all right ; but I must say I never say a sober man saying his prayers while wearing a top hat before." Mixed. The fact that a hearty laugh may be raised all unconsciously was proved to the entire satisfaction of a member of the South Australian House of Assembly, who, in moving the reply to his Excellency's address, came out with this burst of oratory : " Sir, we must educate our children." But it instantly flashed across his mind that he was unblest with "babies," and he recalled himself with : "Sir, you must educate your children," at the same time looking at the chairman, who began to shake his head and grin. Then, once more, the perplexed orator turned back, and, amid the roar of the House, was heard to say : " Sir, you — they — we — they — must educate their children," and collapsed forthwith. Through an Accident. Talleyrand was the greatest diplomatist of his day. His father was a military officer, and the boy would no doubt have been educated to the same profession but for an accident which befell him in childhood. After the fashion of the time, he was entrusted to the care of a woman some miles away from home. While in her charge his foot was dislocated by a fall. It was not properly cared for, and his parents did not become aware of the fact until it was too late to correct the error. The abnormal strain brought upon the other foot soon induced a lameness in that also, and the boy thus became a cripple for life. This seeming misfortune determined a change in the plans of his parents for him, and as a result the name of Talleyrand has become one of the most familiar among the great oues of modern history. Not the Same. She had been a nice little thing when he left her, but that was ever so long ago. Now she was a Mills Seminary girl. " I am delighted to see you, Miss Jenkins," he exclaimed warmly. " How well you're looking. You haven't changed a particle in the last 10 years." "You mistake," she replied, thoughtfully wiping her pince-nez. " Externally I may appear the same, but science demonstrates irrefragibly that the human physical organism, even to its ultimate particles, is entirely reconstructed every seven years." She gave him her hand in a slow, preoccupied sort of way, and a cold shiver went up and down his back. The Reason Why He Called. "Well, sir," said the old gentleman indignantly, " what are you doing here again ? I thought that delicate hint I gave you just as you left the front door last night would give you to understand that I don't want you to come here." And tho speaker looked at his boot in a reminiscent way. "It did," said the young man, as a look of mingled pain and admiration came over his face. "But I thought I would come and ask you " " Ask me what ?" "If you wouldn't like to join our football club." Not On Tight Enough. "Beautiful, beautiful silken hair!" Philip murmured fondly, toying lovingly with one of her nut-brown tresses. •• Soft as the plumage of an angel's wing ; light as the thistle down that dances on the summer air ; the shimmer of sunset, the glitter of yellow gold, the rich red-brown of autumnal forests blend in entrancing beauty in its " And just then it came off in his hands, and he forgot what to say next. There was a moment of profound silence, and then Aurelia took it from him and went out of the room with it. When she came back he wag gone. It Was Attending to Its Own Business. The other afternoon, while the rain was pouring down, a gentleman left the post office, to encounter an acquaintance who was also sheltered by an umbrella. " Raining, isn't it ? " queried the first. "Hey?" " Raining, isn't it ?" "I'd like to see you a moment," was the reply. " Come inside." The two passed in, traversed the dark entrance to its darkest corner, and then No. 2 turned on No. 1 with : " Do you take me for an infernal idiot ? " " Why, no ; of course not." "Do you suppose I'm carrying an umbrella to keep the sun off at this time of the year ? "

" No." " I'm carrying it to keep the rain off, am I not ? " " Of course." "Well, then, it rains. You know it rains. Everybody in town knows it rains. Now you go on and let people alone." " But— but " " That's all. You let it rain. It knows its business. You just attend to your own affairs and let the weather alone. Good day, sir." And he went clumping down the stairs, and left the other to follow at his leisure. Who. Who vas id yen der bell docs ring Sends oud his beeble, brass, und sdhring, Und vas der lasd himself to bring — Der Leader. Who vas id sids avay down low, Mit shbecdacles and fiddle bow — Vich nefer mofes doo vast nor shlow — Der Second Violin. Who vas id in der corner stands, Und blays mit head und legs und hands, Der mosh accouud in most der bands— Der Big Fiddle. Who vas id vid der nose so red, Und mustash grey und shiny head, Undshoeks buffed out like loaves of bread— Der Glarined. Who vas id makes der liddle drills, So soft like zephyrs on der hills, Whose name vas nefer on der bills — Der Flude. Who vas id gids a fife-bar resd, Yen dremulendos in behesd, , Und always slides his lefel best — Der Drompone. Who vas id always on der beat, Dot nefer mofes oud of his seat, Dot Mays sometimes mit hands und feet— Uev Drum. Who vas id yen der bl.iy vas tdrough You'll found neyl door, dot i-; if you Would like to gul a beer or dwo — iJer Wholu Groud. — New York Clipper.