FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 1967, 5 November 1891, Page 45

FUN AND FANCY.

— The executioner is a man who takes life easily. — There is no menace implied when a dentißt shows his teeth. ;; — Men would be very wise if they could only learn as much as their boys think they could teach them. — It is easy to tell when a man is flattering your neighbour ; but it is not so easy to tell when he is flattering you. i — If all the people knew what they were talking about there wouldn't be nearly so much said as there is now. -— " You talk a great deal in your sleep, John,," eaid Mrs Henpeck. "It's the only chance I get," said John. ; — " I see you've stopped writing jokes about the influenza ? " — " Yes. Since I had it I can't see any fun in it." — The man who will complain that a 20minnte sermon is too long will sit half an hour watching a couple of chess players making two moves. — Customer: "That pair of slippers I bought of you a short time ago has worn out." Assistant : " Bad leather^ ma'am ! " " No, bad boy I , —Mrs Hicks: "What an idea to name the baby Macbeth ! what does it signify 1 " Hicks : "It signifies something that murders sleep." , — "How is your friend getting on in America ? "—"" — " Oh, he is carrying everything before him." — " What business is he in 1 " — " He's a waiter in a restaurant."

—After the Races.—" What are you hunting for, boy ? "— " I heard there was heaps oft money lost here yesterday, and I'm lookin' to see if I can't find some of it." ' An oytter said to hlmielf one night, - At the start of a banquet spread : " Hero I'm at supper with theie swell folks, When I'd rather be home in my bed " —Setting an Example.—" You young scoundrel." said the father, seizing his disobedient son by the neck ; " I'll show you how you ought to treat your mother I " - —A nice old Kentish lady declares that she thinks it very strange that a little quicksilver in a glass tube can make such awful hot weather by just rising an inch or two. — Lawyer (drawing will) : " Your estate is much smaller, sir, than is generally supposed." Sick man : " Yes, but 'seep that quiet until after the funeral. I want a good show of grief-stricken mourners." — Mrs Winks : "So you have taken another companion 'for better or for worse, 'eh ?" Mrs Secondtrip : "Only for better, my dear. He can't possibly be worse than the other one was." — A lady, who never failed to have her little jest with the doctor all through a painful illness, exclaimed one day when he was announced, "Tell him I'm sorry, but I don't feel able to see him to-day." — Grateful Father (with deep feeling): "It was a brave act, young man. At the peril of your life you've saved my daughter. How can I ever repay you ? " Brave Rescuer : " Would ten bob be too much, sir 1 ' — For seven years (says an American contemporary) a mechanic made a circuit of half a mile twice per day rather than pass a powder magazine. The other day he learned that it had been empty for eight years. — " My wife is a leoturer and I am an entertainer," said Hobbs.—" Indeed I I knew your wife appeared in public, but I did not know that you ever did." — " Ob, I don't ; I stay at home and entertain the baby 1 " —She: "What an extraordinary number of flies there are to-day 1 " He : " Yes ; and mostly of the gentler "sex." She: "How can you know that ? " He : " Why look how they all congregate on the looking-glass." — Trouville, the Strand.— Ma (rushing up to her screaming daughter) : "My dear,, dear Ethel, what has .happened t " " Ob, ma, I was standing with my back to the sea and a big wave rushed up and nearly spoilt my bathing-dress." — Customer . (entering unexpectedly) : " So, sir, I've caught you putting water into tha milk." Milkman: "Yes — er— no; that is, sir, I'm only washing it. You don't suppose I'm going to serve my customers with dirty milk, do you ? " — " What are you crying about, my little man?" — "Jimmy O'Brien licked me first, an' then father licked me for letting Jimmy lick me, and then Jimmy licked me a^ain for telling father, an' now I suppose I shall catch it again from father 1 " ' — Max O'Rell tells the story of a chairman he had at one of his lectures, who, on introducing him to his audience, spoke for an hour and a-half. The lecturer then rose, and, quietly proposing a vote of thanks to the chairman for his address, sat down again, and the meeting closed. * , — Burns, when on his way to his domicile one night, " three sheets i' the win', was accosted by an acquaintance with " Gettin' hame, Babbie?" "Why— les!" hiccupped the poet, suiting the action a to the word, by staggering forward two paces and backwards one pace. , — Potter : " Yes, sir ; that man is a hyprocrite, if there ever was one. While professing the warmest friendship for mo, he was for a whole year stabbing me in theiback, and I never knew it," Irwm: "Goodness gracious! What kind of a back have you got ? " —Father : " Now listen to me, children : I want you from now on to be as bad as you know how." Tommy: " Won't you whip us; pa?" Father: "Not if you are very bad, but I'll whip you if you behave yourself. Your aunt is coming to visit us, and I don't want her to stay long." < — Master : " Whaur was the text the day ? " Jock : " I dinna ken ; I was ower lang o' gaun in." Master : " What was the conclusion ? " Jock : " I dinna ken j I cam' dot afore he was dune."^ Master; "What did he say aboot the middle o't, then?" Jock: "I dinna ken; I sleepit a' the time!" — " Whatever is worth doing," observed Tommy Tarbox, smearing another daub of green paint on the family cat, "is worth doing well." "It is, my son ; it is," cordially assented Mr Tarbox, unexpectedly emerging from the kitchen door' with a trunk-strap in bis hand and leading Tommy rapidly towards the barn. , — "Reformation, deah breddarn, doan consist in gettin' up in chu'oh on Sunday mawnin' and yellin' • Praise de Lawd 1 ' and den tu'nin roun' an' goin' ohicken-stealin' on Sunday night. In conjunxment wid dis I wish ter state dat a full-breed banty rooster wus extracted from my coop las' Sunday ebening ', an' ef he ain't sent back, one ob de leadin' reformationists ob dis yar flock'll git into trouble, shuah."