FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 1952, 23 July 1891, Page 41

FUN AND FANCY.

—The busy haunts of men— Their consciences.

—Young Mother: "What in the world jnakes the baby cry so?" Young Father: '?' I quite think he heard me say I managed to get a little sleep last night." -—Host: "Just another wee drap'fore you go " Guest: "Na, na, all tak' nae raair 1 I'm in a new lodgin', and I'm no vera | weel acquainted wi' the stair3 l "

— Pnpson : "Ib mast be tewwible to be deaf and dumb!" Mashley: "Bah jove, I don't know I It's such aw bweastly boab, don't you know, to keep thinking of something to say." — She (at the piano): "Which do you admire most, Mr Plungley, Beethoven or Chopin 1 " He (slightly perplexed) : " Aw — you don't happen to haye — aw — heard ' Razzle-Dazzle,' have you, Miss G-wace 1 "

— " Did you know that Mrs Skinner has pneumonia, and is not expected to live 1 " " No ; how did she take cold ? " <• She got her feet wet going round trying to find where she could buy a pair of goloshes cheapest." — Judkins: "A train in the North of England was thrown down a 50ft embankment yesterday afternoon." Mrs Judkins: " Gracious I How many were killed 1 " Mr Judkins : " Not any. Luckily the train was occupied entirely by football men," —Very Bad Form.— Daughter (af tes the theatre) : " That play was so interesting I couldn't do a thing but just sit and listen to it." Fashionable Mother : "It was abominable, the way you watched that play. People must have thought we were from the country." ' — Teacher: "You may read now, Bobby Brady." Modern Infant (reading) : " 'Does Kate go up ? She goes up. Goes she up 1 Up she goes.' Pardon me, madame, if I desist from any further excerpts of inquiry based upon Catherine's eccentric ascension (ohokingly). The style is really too poor for anything." , *r — Musician : "Id vas de Marseillaise dat make Vrance a republic ; id vasi Der Vatch on der Rhine vat give victory to Shermany ; id, vas Yankee Dootle vat free America ; und Shon Brown's Body vat free her slaves." Layman ; " How about the Boulanger March 1 Musician: "Dot march save Vrance from Boulanger. Van Boulanger hear id he do vat ye all do — he runned avay." —In an asylum not 100 miles from Glasgow, two worthies, named Sandie and Tarn, i formed a plan to make their escape. Sandie says to Tarn, " Bend you doon, and I'll get on your back, and get on the tap o' the dyke, and haul you up." Sandie gets on the top of the dyke and slides down the other side, saying - " Tarn, I think you'll be better to bide anither fortnicht, for you're no' near richt yet." — An Englishman, touring in the North of Scotland, walked into a wayside churchyard. Seeing the grave-digger busy at bis work, he went forward and stood for some time unobserved by the digger, who was engrossed in his trenching. When at length he was noticed, he asked, " Do they often die here?" The sexton, a look of unmixed astonishment, replied, " Na, na ; only wance." The Southerner had no other query. — Young Spiiggs lost a rich wife through a miscalculation, or rather through calculating too correctly. He was courting a lady who wasn't so young as she used to be, and one evening, when parting, he said playfully, " I'm going to give you a kiss for each year of your age, dearest." He set to work rather wildly, for he didn't much like tbe job, and missed count. He had meant to finish at 30, but he got mixed and drew breath until he had imprinted 45 kisses on her chaste countenance, Now she won't speak to him.