FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 1947, 18 June 1891, Page 37

FUN AND FANCY.

— It takes two to make a bargain; but only one of them gets it. —Better a dinner of herbs, if you like them, than a stalled ox, if you hate beef.

— It is ever to be noticed that in the race for precedence someone must take the dust.

— It is one of the easiest things in the world to economically lay out the money you never will have.

— The law can never make a ma^honesfc ; it can only make him very uncomfortable when he is dishonest.

~Miss_Passee (giving a dinner) : " This wine is over 40 years old." Idiot (thoughtif ully) : " Bottle it yourself 2 " — Hobbs ; " There goes a man who has buried 15 wives," Mrs Hobbs : " Bless me I What is he ? A second Bluebeard 1 " Hobbs : " No, an undertaker."

"To what do you attribute your longevity?" asked an investigator of a centenarian. "To the fact that I never died," was, the conclusive reply. — A cedsus at the pressed tibe would show that bide persods out of ebery ted are suffering frob a b^serable cold id the head. Sneezy thig to datoh, a cold is. Grumpy: "Pshaw!, Women can never keep a secret." Mrs Grumpy : " Can't, eh ? Perhaps I haven't guarded the secret that .the wedding-ring you gave me was plated I " — 'Traveller.! " Have you a fire«escape in this hotel?" Boniface: "We have 10 of -them." .Traveller: "Thought so. The fire "all escaped from my room last night, and I almost froze." — " What did they do with Joseph's coat of many colonrs ? " asked the Sunday school " Out- it down and made it over for Benjamin,"' hazarded a pensive lithle boy at the end of the seat.

— "It's strange," remarked the \ tramp, examining, the jrents, in his, garments, " I /'never felt. anyljking for dogs whatever, yet tHey nearly alf become strongly attached to me as soon as they see me." —Gigantic Lady Oy'ho is very timid) : •" Can you see me across the road, policeman?" Policeman: "See yer across the road, mann ? Why, bless yer 1 I b'lieve I I could see yer 'arf a mile off I " : —Rural Clergyman (sympathetically) : ." Terrible accident, terrible, wasn't it 1 Six f men blown to atoms with nitro-glycenne." ■Undertaker (tearfully): <! Heartrending ! Not enough left of them for a funeral." — " There's no use thryin' to e'djicate the , Chinee," said Flynn. "They don't even know their own language. Oi asked wan o' ( then phat the worrad for St. Pathrick's Day 'was in Chinese, and be hevins he cudn' tell me 1 " '

— Physician's Wife : " What's the matter, ,Greorge ? You seem depressed to-night." Physician : " I am, my dear. I have a most puzzling case on hand. Old Robinson, whom I've been treating for three years, is getting well in spite of all I can do."

— Wife (to husband, £an eminent physician) : " What wonderful advances hav6 been made in medical science during the past few years, my dear 1 " Eminent Physician : " Wonderful, wonderful." Wife : " So many new names to old diseases."

— She: "Did jou succeed in mastering French while abroad? " He: "Nearly. I did not succeed in making the Frenchmen comprehend me, nor could I make out what they were driving at, but I got so that I could understand myself when I talked."

— Miss De Vere : "I am afraid, Mr Ologgoer, I shall have to give up this dance ; there is no room to move." Mr Cloggoer : " Oh, don't you be afraid ; every one knows me and gets out of my way. Come along." (A promising crop of corns is on the tapis )

— A man down in Kent, who had a brother hanged several years ago, informed his friends that his " brother on one occasion addressed a very large public meeting, and just as he had finished the platform upon which he stood gave way, and he fell and broke his neck."

" Onb Bottle did it." That ia the expression of many who have had their grey hair restored to Ita natural colour, and their bald spot covered with hair, after using one bottle of Mrs S. A. Allen's World's Hair Restorer. It U not a dye ; it can do no harm. Every one who has used this preparation speaks loud In Its praise. If you wish to restore your hah? as in youth, and retain it through life, without delay procure a bottle. Bold by Chemists and Perfumers.