FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 1921, 11 December 1890, Page 42

FUN AND FANCY.

— Ambiguous. — Tifoung Whipper : " I would like to have your daughter for my wife." Old Snapper : " Indeed ; and what does, yotfr wife want of her 1 " . — Gentleman: "Are you satisfied that this burglar-alarm is a good thing 1 " Electrician : " Well, I should say so. We make £1 on every one we put in, between you and me." — Warned in Time. — Patient: "Is not a sudden fright likely to bring on a relapse ? " Doctor: " Certainly 1 " Patient: "Then please remember that in making out your bill 1 " — Bessie : " I met Miss Shapely out shop- | ping to-day, and 1 never before realised what I a loud voice she has." Jennie : " But you r must remember, ray dear, that she was asking for a pair of No. 2 shoes." — A gentleman courted a lady for 28 years, and then married her. She turned out to be a perfect virago, but died two years after the wedding. "Now," said our friend, in a selfcongratulatory tone, " see what I escaped by a long courtship.' 1 — Frank : " How did she act when you proposed 7 " Fred : " She acted well. She pretended that she had never been proposed to before. In fact she was an amateur." Frank : " Ah, what a fatal mistake to make with a professional." — Old Gentleman (looking at very bobtailed horse) : " Bless ma 1 how short they have cut his tail." Attendant : "His master is a member of the Society for the Protection of Animals, sir. In this fashion he will not annoy the poor flies." — "My dear," said the father to the daughter, " isn't it sad that since your aunt Fanny had the fever she has become both blind and deaf 7 " " Ob, do ask her to come and stay with us," said the daughter to the father. > " I should so like her for a chaperone." — Fanny (with rapture) : " Oh, May, didn't you have a perfectly delightful time among those lovely, lovely mountains, beautiful streams, those silent, slumberou3 woods 7 " May (pettishly) : " No ; I didn't. There were only two men there, and they had their wives with them." — " I see," he observed, walking into the sanctum, " that you need the services of a leader writer on your editorial column 7 " " That position has been filled, sir," was the reply. He sighed. " I notice, also," he went on, " that you advertise for a person to address envelopes. Is that position still open 7 " — " It is, sir."— "Then I'll lake it." — The Baron : " But eef you really love me like you say, I see not of reason for that we would not marry. American Summer Girl : " Yes, I know ; but it's those other two men that I am already engaged to." The Baron : " But they are Americans, is it not 7 " A. S. G: " Oh, yes.' The Baron: "Ah, ze good luck zen 1 Zey are accustomed to it." — Sweet Girl : " Pa, the house next door was robbed last night," Pa : " Mercy I Next door ? " Sweet Girl : " Yes, and the burglars have been in two or three houses on this block within a week." Pa : " I know it. I know it. It's terrible 1 But what can we do 7 " Sweet Girl: "I was thinking it might be a good plan for Mr Nicefellow and me to sit up a few nights and watch for them."

— Old Philosopher (reprovingly) : " I see you have a habit of judging men by their clothes." Young de Dude : " Aw, yaas ; that's th' only way, don't y* know." Philosopher : " Do jou see that shabby-looking man ahead 7 He is not quite in rags and tatters but his clothes are terribly threadbare, and doubtless they were the cheapest kind of

ready-made garments when they were new.I That man is a profound Greek and Latinscholar." De Dude : " Yaas ; he looks it." —A story comes from Berkshire of; a keen, sportsman who was invited for a day's snipeshooting in the neighbourhood of Abingdon.. The invitation was accepted, and host and guest shouldered their guns and sallied 1 forth in quest of game. After a time a solitary snipe rose, and promptly fell to the visitor's first barrel. His host's face fellalso, as he remarked that they might as well return, for that was " the oaly snipe in the neighbourhood ; but, as it had afforded excellent eport to all his friends fo* the last sixweeks, he had hoped it would contfcme to be> equally useful/ 1

— Walter E. Nunnelee, one of the brightest young journalists in Alabama, and a member of one of the finest families of the State,, is now a maniac. Cigarette smoking is the cause.

PRIf ■ MM