The Lime-kiln Club.

Otago Witness, Issue 1920, 4 December 1890, Page 42

The Lime-kiln Club.

No sooner had the members begun to put in an appearance at Paradise Hall than an outsider would have caught on to the fact that something of grave importance was on the carpet' Elder Toots walked about with his hands crossed under his coat tails and his face a blank. Judge Discovery Smith busied himself looking over a lot of legal documents, and Shindig Watkins, Eight-houi Johnson, Remember Taylor, and Samuel Shin conversed together in low tones, and shook their heads in a grave and sorrowful manner. Giveadam Jones generally upsets the steve, knocks down the pipe, breaks a pane of glass, or smashes a lamp in his exuberance o£ spirits, but on this occasion he entered the hall very softly, and put in his time reading a novel entitled " The Bloody Big Toe of the Dark Heel Ravine." It was only when the meeting had been formally opened that an explanation of the mysteiy was had. Brother Gardner looked sad, but full of business, as he mounted to his station, and when the wheels had been properly greased he said : . " Gem'len, we hasn't met heah dis eavenin' to listen to an essay or lecktur by some famous man. We hasn't met to do bizness consarnin' de welfar' of de world in gjneral an' de United States in pertickler. De occashun is one full oC sadness. Not dat we hey lost a brurlder by do hand of de grim destroyer, but dat we mus' put a livin' brudder on trial fur his life. De facts am pobably known to all of you. De committee on internal harmony has sartin charges to prefer agin Brudder Consider b'mith, an' Ke will be 'lowed a chance to prove hisself innocent." The above-named committee, through its chairman, Colonel Gluecose Green, then read the following charges : 1. Having spoken of Brother Gardner as a charlatan. 2. Renting a box at the post-office. 3. Going in and out of various banks without any other errand than to make people believe he is a depositor. 4. Claiming to strangers who visit Paradise Hall that he runs things there. 5. Borrowing money of members of the club and neglecting to repay the same. 6. Alleging that Brother Gardner was cutting his cloth to secure the next presidency. 7. Advising various members to split off from the old club and form a new one, tb.3 constitution of which should provide for a banquet at every meeting. 8. Declaring his belief that all fowls were common property. 11 Is de accused readj fur trial ? " asked the president as the reading of the charges was finished. "He ar 1 ," replied Brother Smith, as he etepped forward. "Werry well. We will now take up charge No 1. How do you plead 1 " "Guilty, sah, but guilty bekas-e I didn't know what ' charlatan ' meant when I used de word. I heard one white lawyer call anodder by dat name, an' I s'posed it meant dat he knowed about all dere was to know. I dun used it to compliment you, sah." " Urn 1 It may be possible. I'll decide it dat way, but let dis be a warnin' to you 'bout usin' bullets too big to lit de bore of de gun. Charge No. 2." " Not guilty, sah. I nebber had no box at de pos'-ofnee. I was jess' makin' believe I had." "Oh 1 Wall, de charge can't stand, but it will be de gineral opinyan of dis club dat you has made a fool of yourself. Charge No. 3." 4 " I'ze done guilty, sah, but I'ze sorry fur it." " Sorry fur it— yes 1 Brudder Smith, when a pusson who hain't got a loose quarter in hi 3 pockets is seen gwine inter a bank wid his hat cocked on his ear, what is de inference ? What you gwine to expect ? How you gwine to figger it out ? You's gwine to figger dat he's makin' a false show to deceive de public, an' you kin put him down fur a bad, bad man. You stand convicted of de charge. Charge No. 4." " I'ze nebber dun claimed to run Paradise Hall, sah. I'ze showed visitors around an' I'ze 'explained things, but I'ze allus been keerful to say dat I was way down to de tail-end of de purcession." " Well, we'll declar' you innocent of dat charge, but let dis be a solemn warnin' fur you not to blow your nose too loud an' step too high. Charge No. 5." » I has borrowed meney of some of the members, sah, but I'ze gwine to repay it jess as soon as possible." "I'd advise you to do so. 11l pass de charge, but it's annodder warnin' to you. Do constitushunal money borrower is a man to be despised an' shunned. Charge No. G." "What I dun said was dis : I said dat you would make a better president dan any odder man in de kentry." „,.„» , j " Ar' you shore you said dat ? asked Brother Gardner. " Of cose I t>aid it." " Well, I'll pass dat charge ober. Charge "Ijeps said one day dat de club was gittin' too big, an' dat we all went home hungry." "Too big, eh? An' you was hungry ! Yon didn't say dis till arter you was fined 500dol for spittitV on de stove ? " "No, sab." "I sec. De chaige stands. How about No. 8?" „ . " J dun said datde Lawd made everything for the use of man, fowls included." " You meant wild fowls 1 "

"Y-jcs, sah." " You rticin'fc refer to fat pullets m somebody's hen coop ? " "N-no, sah."

"Brudder Smith, do you pertend to say your conscience wouldn't trouble you if you broke into a hen house an' card away a bag of chickens ? " " I-I-l'd rather not say, sah." "Ob ! You is convicted of charge No. 8, and I now fine you 28,000d01, an' declar' you to be suspended until the same is paid in full." " Lawd. save me, sah, but 1 can t nebber pay it I " " Dats your look out, and you has had a weiry narrow escape as it is. Had you been convicted on all de charges you would have bin given a bounce from dis club to make you tired all the rest of your bo'n days. You now has a show to get back." <{ j j » Brother Smith waved his arms and tried to speak, but emotion overcame him and he sank down in a heap. When he had been carried out into the ante-room Brother Gardner said : " If deir am any odder brudder in dis club who am iuclined to gab, let dis be a warnin' to him. Between de man who steals my chickens an' de man who talks too much wid his mouf I favour de former. He isn't half as dangerous to de peace and harmony of society. We will now go home."