PUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 956, 16 May 1889, Page 38

PUN AND FANCY.

— 44 There ain't any blemishes about this animal ? " asked the would-be purchaser of a cow. " No, she's all right ; but I_ must tell you candidly that sometimes she kicks when she is being milked," replied the owner of the cow. " That's of no consequence. My wife does the milkin'," said the other.

—One of them was just coming out of the post office ; the other was going in. They stopped, shook hands,. smiled, and the first one observed : " Quite a swell affair that, of Smith's."— "lndeed! What was it?"— "A boil." And then they separated without shaking hands.

— Match-making Mother: "I tell you what to do, Charles. If you could have it noised about that Mary is to have £10,000 for' her marriage portion, don't you think her chances would be greatly improved 1 " Sensible Father : " Wouldn't it be more attractive to follow the example of the bargain shops, and put the figure at £9999 19s ll|d 1 " — Jiggers : c ! Darn an ignoramus, anyhow 1" Wiggers : " What's the matter now 1 " Jiggers : " I was calling on little Miss Pertly last night, and she asked what the phrase " indulging in osculatory exercises " meant ; said she found it in a novel." Wiggers : " Well, did you tell her? " Jiggers :" I didn't know what it meant until I looked tlirough the dictionary this morning." — Terre Haute Ex.

— The waiter expostulates with the guest for summoning him by a snapping of the fingers, with the remark : " Are you calling for the dog, sir?" "Goodness," exclaimed the diner, " are you a thought-reader ? " " Why do you ask ? " inquired the waiter. " Why," returned the guest, " I was about to ask for sausage." — In a Northern town the tramway system was recently extended. A few days ago one of the cars on the newly-opened line was hailed by a small damsel who was running after it. The guard stopped the vehicle, when the child inquired : " Wull this be the caur for Muckleluggie 1 " and on being answered in the affirmative, continued, breathlessly : " Aweel, yo micht juist wait a wee for ma mither; she's gaun wi' ye, an she'll be here i' th' noo— she's juist feenishih' her dennh."

— An ingenious manager of a theatre has solved the problem how to induce his fair patrons to remove their hats during the performance. He has posted up the following notice: < l Ladies are notified that,, although the strict rule of this theatre requires them to leave their hats in the cloak room, those who have arrived at 40 years of age will hereafter bo excused from its observance." And nowithe cloak room is crowded.

—A physician reports that he was saved a two-mile drive one, night by havings the patient, a child, brought to the telephone and held there until it coughed. He diagnosed cr6up, and prescribed therefore. In order to collect thebill, however, he found that a personal- call was necessary. The telephone won't do' everything. — fA iarmei's , man brought the village doctor a note the other day, and with some difficulty Medicus spelt out, " Please send me a bottle of fizzic." " Hullo 1 " exclaimed the doctor, " f-i-z-z-i-c doesn't spell .physic. 1 " " Donft it 1 " answered the rustic ; " what do it spell, then ? " The doctor gave it up. — Evanescent Impression. — Wife (returned from church) : " You should have heard Mr Goodman's sermon this morning, my dear. 1 don't know when anything has made such a profound impression upon me." Husband: 14 Did you walk home ? " Wife : " No, I took a tram-car ; and do you know, John, the conductor never asked me for my fare. Wasn't I lucky ? "

cream.

— The" average American hotel dining-room waitress is thus drawn in Max O'Rell's book : " A young woman, with an elaborate coiffure of curls, rolls, and bangs, but no cap, approaches, darts a look of contempt at you, and, turning her back upon you, gabbles off in one breath: ' Croutaupoturbotshrimp sauceroast beef turkeycranberrysaucepotatoes tomatoes apple tar trainee pievanillacream.' " — Clerk in ready-made clothing shop to customer : " This overcoat is the best I can do for you. It may be a trifle loose now, but it will be all right for next winter, and save buying a new one. These boys grow so.'' Customer : " Grow ! I hope he won't ; he is an infant pianist, and keeps the whole family." Clerk ''whispering in the ear of customer) : 41 Well, I don't mind telling you this is what wecall our 'all-woolaccommodationgarment. 1 Send your little boy out in the rain for only one hour, and it will fit him so that you will have to use a shoehorn to get him out." 1

— The following is the last horror perpetrated by a well-known Scotch baronet. A German sportsman said to him the other day, " Talking about dogs with keen scent, I have one in Germany that will compare favourably with any you have in England." "Very remarkable dog, I suppose," yawned the listener. " I should say so. The day hefore I left homo he broke his chain, and although I had been away for hours he tracked me and found me merely" by scent J What do you think of that ? " *" I think you ought to take a bath," lepheil the Caledonian, turning calmly away. ,