FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 1905, 25 May 1888, Page 38

FUN AND FANCY.

• —The latest- thing out; The bachelor's; latch key. • — A case of blackmail: A package of. mourning letters. . , . , — An exchange thinks thatn % a man givesi a 1 blow in the dark when he puts out his* candle." But it is only alight blow, remem- ; her. • ', — Miss Ethel: "And so you,. are really, engaged to Mr Samson, Clara?" Miss Clara' (blushing): ", Yes, it' all happened last even-; ing, Ethel." -Miss Bthel : " What a blessing leap year is, dear 1 " \ ■ , :„. ■ ' t , — A chem^st'declafeithyt wood can be made palatable and nourishing. When it comes into general use for ;food, the term' " board " will have a doubly,';' appropriate meaning. " ' i. ,^/ 1 . . —An.old. lady who has had experience as 'a bbardinghouse-keeper defines a genius as [ "a nianwho knows more'n he can find out/ spills^ vittles on his clothes, and doesn't payj his'boardxe'gularly." ,^.A f witty ( lady, ,says.: ''If you want s to, find oitt a man's real disposition, take him when he's wet and hungry. If he is atniable then, dry him and nll.,him up, and you have an angel." * •' —A man, had a tooth pulled out once ' for five shillings, and gave-tbe- dentist 'a'sove- . reign. The, dentist had, only ten shillings in change, so our -friend sat down and .had' a' sound tooth pulled, -just to make the change' even.'' , " •' \ . I ' , " l . 'j •'■•„ — "There is a dog in South Boston so' intelligent!" said Jim, "that ■•he conies the, nearest to a reasonitig being I'know of." " What's 1 the story, Jim ?. '? " There,ain't any story. I saw "his master give this: dog a, bowl- of mjlk: He • was lying down at the time, butane' immediately rose and took the milk in his lap 1 " — A city gentleman, who contemplated purchasing a farm and becoming a tiller of, the soil,, wrote to the editor of an agricultural journal,, asking whether SouthdoWn , rams* or hydraulic rams paid', better '"on a, farm. The editor replied that it depended »poh,the, soil. If the land was marshy and full of running streams, he would advise the hydraulic breed. "—" — Mr Tynchaser ( who has been' obnoxiously persistent in his attentions) : " I have not had the pleasure of finding you, at home for a long time, Mrs Bond." Opulent Widow: "No. There seems to be an obstacle." Mr T.: " Can't 'I remove it?" ,0. W.: "Possibly." Mr T. (tenderly): "At least let me know what it is." 0. W. (coldly) :, " The front door." ■ — A young German officer, rather new to his work, was drilling a squad of raw.recruits, 1 and gave the word of command, " Lift the right leg 1 " One of the soldiers, by mistake, raised his left leg, so that it joined closely to' the right leg of his neighbour. ,. ".Donnerwet- 5 ter!" exclaimed the officer, "what jack--anapes has lifted both his legs?"-— Fliegehde, Blatter. ' ' —Creditor: "When shall I call for the! amount of my bill, Mr Smith?" Debtor:, " Oh, at any time. What day will bes.t suit;

have less to do on Thursdays than any other: day of the-%eek\"' : Debtor t"^ 1 Very well.j Then-yon may call for - the- amounfcr*every* Thursday." .... —A LouisviUe^epJitor calls Josef Hofmann ".the only smaljl boy .who ever made an agree-) able noise." It is inferred that the Louisville editor never heard a small boy manipulate' the dinner-bell!' at the proper hour. ' — Bobsy was at a neighbour's, and in re-, sponse to the' offer of a piece "of bread and; butter; politely said " Thank yon." « That's! right, Bobby," said the lady ; 'II like to heari little ' boys %say' Thank% say' Thank you. '"'Yes,' ma! told me I must say that if you gave me any-! thing to eat, 'even 1 if it' wasn't; toothing' but', bread and butter.",, '..,,' ,', j — Beassuring.— A traveller meets in a j tai^way carriage a friend of his whois^on his ; wedding tDnr.f: T|he lady ;is excessively plain-} looking, and the traveller expresses in aj whisper his, unfeigned astonishment at his. marrying such a guy. Whereupon the happy) bridegroom reassures him with the words i "You may . speak up; she is' deaf as welll" ', '* 't- 4 ' „,' ; — Painter Tarn, a noted MbntVose worthy in days gone by, was one day busily employed, I in painting the figurehead of a vessel then lyings in, the dock, when a young woman, i deeply marked with small-pox, in passing called out to him, " Hey, Tamj ye mioht 1 paint me." Tarn, with his usual stutter, replied, "G-g-g-awa', ye wad ne-e-d to be' p-p-uttied first." ," ' — Woman with satchel enters 1 traftj, sits down; enter conductor, asks fare,; woman opens* satchel; takes but purse, shuts satchel,' open purse,' takes 'out sixpence, shuts ptirse, open satchel, puts in' purse, shuts satchel,' offers sixpence, receives ohange, opens satchel, 1 takes out purse, shuts 'saVcheVopeps purse,; puts in change,- closes purse, op^ns .satchel J puts in purse, doses satchel-; stop the tram,please. ,t,, t , ! — The truth of the saying, " Where there's a will there's a way," was exemplified in » a truly, remarkable manner by a tramp who] was refused a night's lodging at a police' station. The ■ officer ,, on duty- deliberately explained to him : "We only provide' accommodation for prisoners. You've gofy to. steal something, or assault somebody, or; something of that kind." * "Ob,. l've got to> assault somebody, have I ?,." remarked the vagabond, and' forthwith knocked the' sergeant off his stool; and when the astonished officer had picked himself up again,' said quietly: "Give me I . as good, a bed as 1 you can, mister, 'cause I don't feel^yerywell to-night." ■ „ •

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