EDITOR'S WALLET.

Otago Witness, Issue 1852, 20 May 1887, Page 34

EDITOR'S WALLET.

ADDRESS. ,' " Yes, the fair season is over, and I'm glad of it," said a Detroit lawyer the other day. "t haVe 'delivered l'O addresses this fall, ,and the thing was becoming rather monotonous." '• What are your prices for an address ? " , " There is no set price, though I never take less than 25d01." v ", And the address'itself 1 " j ( Well.^l was, laicLup for two weeks last winter with a'lanje foot, and I improved the time to .write 'out' an address which' hits every sort of agricultural fair. I have delivered'the same on 10 different times, at 10 'different; fairs.^ Of ' course it is not exactly the 'same all 1 through." The start off, for instance.'is varied according to the exigencies of the occasion. , It usually begins : '" ' With- this' warm autumn sun gilding the bright-hued ! leaves of the beech and the maple, and surrounded as we are by this magnificent' display ' of Nature's products, I we '. — and so forth. I got that off at seven of the 10 fairs, but on the other three oc- J casibns it was ( raining, and I had to begin : .'With the' tear-drops of Nature falling to swell the kernels of wheat you have hidden away, iri your' rich fields to bring forth a thousandfold, when the suns of July shall again ' beat down on the hill-top and Valley, &c.' " !• Then an agricultural address is machine work, so [to speak ? " "Just the same as a '4th of July speech, my boy. There are certain points in either case, which must.be preserved as follows :— \ , FOUETH OF JULY ADDRESS. " • 1776^-Goddess of Liberty— Paul Jones 7-j-Valley Forge — Mollie Stark — American freemen— Plymouth Kock — Miles Standish 7— Liberty Bell— lndependence Hall — George Washington — Benedict Arnold — Lafayette — surrender -of Cornwallis — Washington crossing the Delaware^— stars and stripes — bulwarks of liberty— sixty million freemen.' " , AGRICULTURAL ADDRESS. " ♦ Homey-headed sons of toil — broad acres — old pioneers — howling wolves — ring of the axe — Nature's noblemen — contented wives — red-cheeked daughters — evidences of prosperity— grand ..display— increased intelligence — township libraries — honest hearts •j-pure air of the country — onward march of Nature's own true sons and daughters.' " " You will see," he continued, " that an address can be planned the same as .a corncrib or pig-pen. There is certain timber which must he-used and oerfcain timber which mv.st be left out, When you have the framework laid out it is easy enough to fill in." P " But you are not a farmer." ) " Oh, no, but that makes no difference. Before I wrote my last address I gofc hold, of a farmer on the' market and posted myself as to which side a cow was milked on — why corn was good for hogs— why roosters did all the crowing — why sunflowers kept off the ague— why , ■ corn-shellers wouldn't , t pare apples, and, in fact, got the whole theory of farming down fine. 1 can now mingle with the farmers at a fair and talk understandingly about sub-soiling, top-dressing, fertilising, sowing, and reaping." "Do you ever drop into poetry in your addresses ? '■' " Always.. A few verses are sure to make a hit, especially if there is a smack of the farm about them. I keep the following rhymes in my note-book :—: — Hogs Bogs Logs Pigs "Wigs Gigs Corn Born Shorn Sheep - Keep Leap Hill Hill Shrill Field Yield Wield Acres Shakers Quakers Wheat Meat Beat Grass Sass Glass. " And others too numerous to mention. I also work in all the old chestnuts about Nature's noblemen, sparkling dew, ploughboy's merry whistle, sylvan shades, and so on to the end. When the address is ready for delivery all you have to do is to clear your voice, assume a proper smile, and fire away. The kissing of the babies and shaking hands with farmers 100 years old comes in afterwards. — Detroit Free Press.

SOME OF DOSE SAYINGS.

I- vhas better to do a big peesness in a shmall shtore dan" to do a shmall peesness in a big shtore. ■ ; Some folks vhas sooch kickers dot dey complains of der shmall size of applecores.

Many a coon-dor- ish kil^t oop a tree could haf got avhay all right < n clorgroundt.

Vhen he vhas well enough let him alone,

I had took notis dot dose peoples who borrow, der moas' tea und coffee und sugar from deir' neighbours, borrow der least troubles for demselves.

Der family who doan'-provide for a rainy day vhill sooner or later see sooch a dry time as nefer vhus.

; Sometimes Truth goes out to take a walk and meefa Gossip, but der pair nefer comes home together

I belief dot - if I vhas short of 10,000,000d01. I could feel sorry for der troubles of der whole worldt.

Good luck vhas somepody who yhill help a •fool ash'queek as a wise man. Success vhas der reward of hardt vhork and perseverance.

Der leedle shildren dot we see aroundt us vhas der rain drops dot keep der hearts of ■men from becoming parched und dusty. ,

One-half der peoples goes up a ladder to look. for a prize vhich vhas under der house allidertime.

I Maype it was-petter for as dot wo haf some troubles. If apt, tings happen vhe pecbme so happy dot vhe melt avhay und der sidevhalk vhas all grease.

Kind vhords cost nothings ; dot's why so many/of us carry, such a sthock of 'em. ( Derworking'man who has. gobdcredit mit der grocer and butcher will always pc a popr man.'.; ' " ' " ' ' ' ' Peojple yhill look for oranges in a cabbage field'/ irhd/pecaus^2 ritf o^ahges vlias foundf, dot same.JDepples are determined not to appreciate c&bb^'ge." ' ' •"""'" ' ' •-, '"' ■ '. Tt%th f vnas, a- big" ting, but der was sometime,§Vhen a^blglie vims' vh'orlrtwa' of him • ; ••/.' t . <,■/(■'}■;;" ■ •••. ■ ' '.'"'■.•■■<.

to make der family all right. Dot' vhas mine experience mit philosophy. — Detroit Free Press. ' '•' -