FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 1764, 12 September 1885, Page 27

FUN AND FANCY.

— "Attacked while in bed" is the title, of ai new story. Instead of writing about it the author should have lit the lamp and killed them.

— " I know by a little what a great deal means," as the gander said when he saw the tip of a fox's tail sticking out of a hollow tree.

— " Do not marry a widower," Said the old lady. "A ready-made family is like a plate of cold pptatoes." " Oh, I'll soon warm them," replied the damsel.

— " They were not Tired. — Deacon : " Boys ! boys! you should not play marbles to-day. Sunday's a day of rest, you know." Spokes* man : " Yes, sir, we knows it, but we ain't tired, sir."

— "Am I not a little pale?" inquired a lady who was rather short and corpulent of a crusty old bachelor. •' You look more like a big tub," was the blunt reply.

— " Why do you set your cup of coffee on the chair, Mr Jones?" said a worthy landlady, one morning, at breakfast. "It is so very weak, ma'am," said Jones, " I thought I would let ifc rest."

— A. farmer says that a cow can be cured of kicking by catching hold of her leg while in the . act. Just so ; and a bee can be cured of stinging by catching hold of her sting while in the act. Try 'em both ; it's fun.

# — A young man blackened his moustache with a lead comb and then took his girl out for a moonlight stroll. When the fair one appeared in the bright light of the family circle a couple of hours later her face looked very much like a railway map.

— A coloured preacher remarked, " When God made de fust man he sat him up agin de fence to dry." " Who made de fence ?" interrupted an eager listener. '• Put dat man out !" exclaimed the coloured preacher. " Such questions as dat destroy all de theology in de world." — Brighton, Eng., landlady, who has just presented her weekly bill—" I 'ope, ma'am, as you find the bracing air agree with you, ma'am, and your good gentleman, ma'am." Lady — "Oh, yes, our appetites are wonderfully improved! For instance, at home we eat only two loaves a day, and I find from your account that here we can manage eight." Landlady feels uncomfortable

— Had Every Facility. — "Oh, say, ma!" exclaimed a bright little girl at the Hoffman House, while at dinner, " hasn't that man over there got awful big ears ?" " Hush, child the gentleman might hear you," cautioned the mother. " Well, ma," retorted the precocious youngster, "if he couldn't hear me with those ears he ought to haul 'em down." — N.Y. Journal. — Said the* landlady, pensively eying the healthy boarder : " These new potatoes cost just twice as much as the other kind." " That's all right,"_ responded the healthy boarder ; " they are twice as good, and we eat twice as maDy of them." — Detroit Free Press.

— A Mutual Counter-irritant — "Whew ! Got a f ellung on your right han' too ? I should tink you'd be mos' wild now wid bofe on urn." " No, sah. I git 'long lots better wid bofe 'an I did wid one, 'coz you see dis one on dis yeah right han' hurts so bad I 'pletely f orgits I nez one on on tudder han', an de one on de lef beats so ranktanklifsly it distrac's my mind 'tirely from de udder fellung." — Harper's Bazaar. »

— Deficient in English. — Frenchman (to Kentucky citizen) : Yen zef riend ask you zeinvite to take ze drink visky, vat you say in Anglais ? — Kentucky citizen: Don't care if I do. — Frenchman : Doncar fido, oui ! But yen you refuse ze invite, zen vat you say in Anglais ?—? — Kentucky citizen : Well — cr — r guess you've got me now, Frenchy. — N. Y. Sun.

— The Italians believe that maternity robs a woman of her voice. The Italians should come to this country and listen to a rural mother call home her children, who are playing in a wood a mile distant. " When a cyclone hears her voice shouting along it knows' it must either jump over it or get wrecked. — Norristown Herald.

— " My dear," said a wife to her husband, " I knowthat I am dreadfully cross with you at times — that I am not as patient as I should be, and I think, the same can be said of you." " Yes, certainly," he frankly acknowledged. " I am almost as. bad as you are." "What's that?" " I—lI — I say that lam just as much to blame as you are." " I think," went on the lady, " that we ought to cultivate a mutual toleration of each dther's faults," and, she bent over him and fondly kissed him. " You are not looking well to-night, dear," he said, stroking her hair " No," she replied, "my feet pain me dreadfully." "That's because you wear shoes two sizes too small for you." Then, the trouble began once more,