FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 1762, 29 August 1885, Page 27

FUN AND FANCY.

— "Time heals all things," wrote a philosopher. But in a later addition he qualified the assertion by excepting shoes. — A physician says: "If a child does not thrive on fresh milk, boil it." He does not state how long the child should be boiled. 1 — " Splendid colour, isn't it ?" asked the fishmonger, cutting open a salmon. " Yes," replied the purchaser ; " looks as if it was blushing at the price you ask for it." — -That was a triumphant appeal of the lover of antiquity who in arguing the superiority of the old architecture over the new, said : " Where will you find any modem building that has lasted so long as the ancient ?" — " I think I'll get out and stretch my legs a little," said a tall man, as the train stopped at a station. " Oh, don't !" said a passenger who tad been sitting opposite to him, and who had been much embarrassed by the legs of his tall companion—" don't do that 1 , They are too long already J" — "The Last Straw." — (Scene— Grocer's shop in Cowcaddens, enter female customer.) Customer :" A ha'penny worth o' sape." Shopman (who has got irritated with a succession of small sales) : '" Yell be for washing the cana,ry, mistress ?" — He was making a call, and they were talking of literature. " The Pilgrim's Progress," she remarked, " always seemed' to me painful. Of course you are familiar with Bunyan ?" He said he had one on each foot, and they bothered him a good deal, — Mr Sampleson is a very irascible man, and is in the habit of, punishing his boys very severely. Not long since he scolded the youngest boy for wearing out his clothes so fast. " Pa, no pants can last any time the way you hits," replied the son, reproaohfully. — He was very junipy, and very ill, and very broke, so he bullied his landlady by way of paying- rent, saying: "I think, Mrs Nipper, it's quite time the passage-walls were re-papered." To which the landlady replied ; " Parding me, sir, but I was a-waiting to see how your 'ealth went on. Coffins is suoh things to knock the paper off a-comin down stairs," —An impatient Welshman called to his wife : " Come, come, isn't breakfast ready ? I've had nothing since yesterday, and to-morrow will be th,e third day !" This is equal to the stirring housewife, who arpused her maid at four o'clock with " Come, Bridget, get up ! Here 'tis Monday morning, to-morrow is Tuesday, the next day is Wednesday— half the week gone and nothing done yet ! " , — Some years ago a lady engaged a domestic servant from the Highlands. In the evening the lady wanted supper brought in, so she rang the bell. Getting no answer, she repeated the summons, but with the same effect. She then proceeded to the kitchen, where to her amazement she found her servant almost convulsed with laughter. She pointed to the bell and exclaimed — " As sure's I leeve I never touched it, an' it's waggin' yet !" —An Irishman tried to sb,oot a sparrow with an old Queen Anne musket. He fired. The bird, with a chirp or two, flew away unconcerned in the foreground, and Pat was swiftly and noiselessly laid on his spine in the background. Picking himself up, and shaking his fist at the bird, he exclaimed :' "Be jabers, you wouldn't a chirped if you'd been at this end of tno gun." — "1 like the mild spring, sir," said Deacon j Macgillicudy as lie sat down in Farmer Dinnafash's porch the other morning for a friendly chat ; " how fresh it makes everything seem ! Do you know of anything fresher than the gentle spring zepher ?" " No, I don't know as I does," replied Dinnafash, 'f unless it is that 'ere paint you're sitting in. 'Taiu't been on the seat over two hours.'-' — " Williamson spends hours on a page of manuscript, eh ? Well, now, let me, tell ypu, no American writer of to-day can afford to be so slow. The art of accurate composition is only acquired by long practice. Why, sir, I never read over my stuff." '' Neither does the public," someone remarked. It \s strange, yet a very few words often destroy the friendship, which clinging like an old vine, coyers many years. Ex.rovJLrFE. — What <a fcriify beautiful world we live in 1 We can desire no belter when in good health ; but how often do the majority of men feel Hlio giving itt up disheartened, discour'nged, nnd worried out with disease when there is no occasion for this feeling. GnKKN's Aucsfst Flowek will make them as free -from disease as when born. Dyspepsia nnd Liver Complaint aYe the clii-eefc cause of 75 per cent, of such maladies as Biliousness, Indigestion, Sick Headache, Costivene&s. Kervons Prostration, Di/.ziness of the Head, Palpitation of, the Heart, aiul other distressing symptoms. Three doses' of August Pjower 'will prove its wonderful effect. ' Sold' by all Druggists at Ds 6d pei-' bottle. Saipt>le b'6tfles, 6d. y?y iy.— [AdV^.] ■ ' ' •