EDITOR'S WALLET.

Otago Witness, Issue 1731, 24 January 1885, Page 28

EDITOR'S WALLET.

An Irishman at a 3)inuor Party,

" * I was in 'dbread, my lord,' says 1, afthor luokiue: about and seem' no signs o' dinner, ' thai I was behind time.'

14 • Oh, no,' says he, laughing, fwe don'fc dino - before seven, but I'm glad you've cjmo early. '

" ' Seven !' thinks I to myself, * that's four hours from us yet at l&ste, an' I a'nwt p9riabt with the hunger, afther the long walk, an' not atin' a b't since eight o'clock that morning. That's eleven hours fasting clear ! Murther, what'll Ido at all ! Oh, wait till they ketch me come to dinner at a groat bouse again.' "Well, Molly, there I was, talkin' and lookin' about me for four long hours, an' I knawed inwardly with the hunger, but of course I bad too much manners to spake of it. At l«st when'£ was almost off the door'openod, and in came one of the jintlemen in the rod velvet smallclothes, and told 'em' dinner was on the table." 'A canary couldn't sing sweeter,' says Ito myself, listeuing to him. So they all got up, and every jintleman gave his arm to a lady, an' out they went in pairs, as if it was to a dance they were goin'. " Tbe dinner was there before us, laid an' all ; but what I most admired was the jintlemen I before spoke of in the rod velvet smallclothes, who, though they were the grandest in the company behaved like the very lowest, takin' away the plates, an! showin' the greatest attention to everyone present. " I took my sate among the rest. " ' What'll you take, Mr Guerin ?' says Lord Peppercorn " * Why, thin, my lord,' says I, ' since you're man o' thn bouao, what you have yourself rouat ba best, an' I'll take some o' that if yon please.' "So he ga' me a helpin'. Well, I declare to you, Molly, hardly had I touk the second mouthful when he looked over at mo. an'

" 'Mr Guerin,' says he, 'Lady Peppercorn islookinat yon.'

" • Why, thin, my lord,' says I, not knowin 1 what he was at, ' she's heartily welcome, an' a purtier pair of eyes she couldn't have to do it,' says I. "So they all burst out laughin' in spite o' themselves,

" ' I mean to say, Mr Gusrin,' says he again, 'that Lady Peppercorn will fcako wine with you,' " Oh, now I twig you,' says I ; 'with a heart an' a half, me lady, I hob-nob \vith you, if jou plase.' " Well, Molly, while I was talkin' to Lady Peppercorn, what does one of the jintlemen in the red velvet do but slip in a hand under me elbow, an' whip away the plate from me a'moßt before I touched what was upon it ! I could ait him with a grain of salt ! but I was ashamed to call for it aga ; u ; an' before I could ax for another helpir' *he whole o' what was on the table was c d ared away. * Oh, murther, Pether,' nays I to myself, ' is that all you've got to-night ? But the minute affcher there was a fresh dinner laid, an' they all went to work again aa brisk aa ever. " Well, I got another cut o' matt, an', says I, now there's hopos I'll be let ait a bit in peace an' quietness, when- 1 — " ' Mister Guerin, will you do me the honour of wine V said Lord Peppercorn. " • With pleasure, my lord,' says I, bowing down to my plate, quite mannerly. "So, while I wasdrinkin' wine with Lord Peppercorn, what should I see only the same jintleman in the red velvet slippin' in a hand for the plate agin, an' I not a morsel of it touched. So I laid hoult of it with the other hand. " ' Aisy a while, sir,' says I, 'if you plaze 1 I'm not done with that yet.' " Woll, tney all began laughin', as if it were a play, so that I thought some of the ladies would dhrap off their chairs. And then one o' the jintlemen began takin' wine with me, an' another after that, bo that I couldn't find time to ait one morsel before table waß cleared agin. " ' You're done for now, Pether,' says I ; • you'll be starved alive.' Sorrow a bit, Molly, for there was a third dinner brought in to 'em ! 0, I see how it is,' says 1, * when once they begin they never stop aitin' hero. Well, 'tis a bad wind that blows nobody good, I'll get something at last, 1 so I was helped the third time, an' I had jist took up me knife and fork and was going to begin in airnest, when a jintleman that sat close by me said in a whisper — " ' What did, the ladies do to you, Mr Guerin, that you wouldn't ax any of 'em to take wine ?' " ' Why so, sir, 1 says I, *is that manners ?' " ' Oh, dear, yes,' says he, ' don't you see all the jintlemen doin' it ?' " An' sure enough, so they wor. So, not to be unmannerly, I began and axed 'em all round, one afther another, an' hardly had I the last of em dune, when down comes tbe jintlemen in the red velvet, and sweeps all away before 'em agin, without Bayin' this or that, There was no help for it. " ' There I sat, a'most dead. ' What'll they bring in next, I wonther,' says I, 'Twasn't long until I seen 'era comin' and layin' before every one at table a great big glaaa full of cowld spring wather. ' Cool comfort, Pether,' says 1, 'but here goes for manners.' So I drank it; he filled it again ; an' as he did, I-drank it again to plaze him ; but seem' he was goin' to fill it again, I couldn't stand it no longer. 'No more o' that, sir,' says I, 'if you plaze.' Well, I thought they never would stop laughin'. "But, Molly, I thought the sight would be took out of me two eyes, when I seen all the ladies and jintlemen dipping their hands in their giasses, an' wftshin' em before me face at the dinner table ! ' Well, Pether,' cays I, ' such manners sb that you never seen before this day, any way.' "

Plantation Philosophy.

Smiles am' no sign o' a good disserposishun. De red apple am' allus tbe sw'eetes'. Good sense doan' hanker arter fine dose. De stalk am' nigh so bright arter de con is ripe. De abidin 1 place o1o 1 good sense doan' bar no sartin mark. De rabbit doan 1 allus hide in de talles' grass. De man carried away wid hate is like de man carried away wid love. It is mighty seldom dat he's tempered wid good sense. I hab neber knowed er wise man ter spread hisself. De rake kivers mo' groun' den de grubbin' hoe, but it doan' go down nigh so deep. — Arkansaw Traveller.

/ The True Story of a Dude. The more tho fair young dude gazed upon her, the more he felt that in order to complete his stature of manhood he must know her. Her spirit and his would hold sweet converse over the sparkling vintage of sunny France and the succulent pro.duct of Blue Point. But how could he manage' it? Fortune favours the brave, .and in this matter the fair young dude had sworn to do or die. He became acquainted with a genial ushor. He exerted bis energie*, such aa they were, to win that usher's friendship. He fed him on milk and honey until his heart was won. Then he confided to that usher the story of his passion : " Aw, ya=i, dear boy," he said. " I'm awfully gone, you v know — quite too r.wfuUy. Cahn't sleep ahf ter 10 oVI >ck in the mawning. Oabn't oat a whole roll for bweakfast. Dweadful faelinpr of heaviness heah [putting hand on bosom]. Must know her somehow. Cahn't you intwoduce me ?" "What, introduce you to Miss Mountmorris ! Well, I should blush to murmur." " Know hor long ?" " Ob, you bet. Come around to the stage door lifter tbe show."

He went. His heart beat madly— that is, as madly as it could — while he awaited the coming of the radiant vision. Several young ladies passed out. She did not come. Still he waited. Presently he saw his friend the usher coming out with his arm around a lady. She was not young. Indeed, it would have been flattery to call her thirty. She was not fair. It would have been base fabrication "to call her even pleasant-looking, that was riot she. Nevertheless, the lady and the usher approached the young dude. ' " Here you are," old boy," said the usher, "allow me td'present you to my mother. ' r " And they' carried the dude away ; yea, even unfcp the confine's of Williamsburg. And they buried him under a grape leaf. And no man knqweth his grave even until this day. And do man wantß to. ' 7

A Scientist^ Cheerful Workshop.

A biography of Louis P,Asfceur, just completed by his son in-law, gives the following description of the surroundings of the great French investigator at hio daily work :— All the animals in the laboratory, from. tb,e little white mice hidden under a bundle of pofctqq wool to the dogs barking furiously i'ro/n their iron - railed kennels, are doomed to death. These inhabitants of the place, which are marebfd out day after day to bB subjected to oporations, or other experiments, share the spaco with ntill more ghastly objects. From all parts of France hampers arrive containing fowls which have died of cholera or pome other disease. Here is an enormous basket bound with straw; it contains the body of a pjg which has died of fever, A fragment of a lung, forwarded in a tin box, is from a cow whiob died of pneumonia, Other goods arq

still more prpcious. Since Pasteur two yesrs ago went to Pauillac to .iwait tho arrival of a boat which brought yellow-fever patients, b.9 receives now aad then from far off couutrios a bottle of black vomit. Tubes of blood are lying about, and plates containing drops of blood may be poen everywhere oq the worktables. In Bpecial stores bottle like bladders are arranged. Tha prick of a pin into one of these bladders would bring death to any man. Enclosed in glass prisons millions and millions of microbes live and multiply.