FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 1652, 21 July 1883, Page 28

FUN AND FANCY.

— A scissors-grinder was ringing his bell "to grind " on Brush street, when a young man called to him and asked: "Say, can you sharpen everything?" "Yes eaferytings." "Can you sharpen my wits?" "Your vits? Vhell, I guess you haf to go und get a new handle und back-spring put in first ! I must haf Bometings to hang on py 1"

—In a Chicago school recently the children were asked to give a sentence with the word " capillary." A little girl wrote :" I sailed across the ocean in a capillary." When asked what she meant by that, she turned to Webster's Dictionary and triumphantly pointed out this definition: "Capillary, a fine vessel." Further investigation showed that more than twenty.scholars had made the same blunder.

—Extract from a Review of the Year.— To go into statistics, it is estimated that during the past year the average man has said " How are yer ?" 3743 times ; " Is this hot enough for you ?" and " Is this cold enough for you ?" each 471 times; "Pleasant day." 10,748 times; "Looks like rain," 12.325J times; other meteorological remarks, not classified, 786,421,107,365,792,001. — A five-year-old wno went to school for the first time, came home at noon, and said to his mother : " Mamma, I don't think that teacher knows much." "Why not, my dear?" " Why, she kept asking questions all the time. She asked where the Mississippi River was." — Longfellow was gifted with a rare insight into character, and alwayß said the right word to the right person. On being introduced to the late Nicholas Longworth of Cincinnati, a quick-witted old gentleman who dearly loved a joke, reference was made to the similarity of the syllables of their names. ' ' ' Worth ' makes the man, and want of it the fellow," replied Longfellow, quotting Pope's famous line, and making one of the best repartees on record. — A young lawyer appeared before a Washington judge with his umbrella under his arm and his hat on, and in his agitation he forgot to lay either aside when he began speaking. "Hadn't you better raise your umbrella?" the Court kindly suggested. — Harper's Bazaar. — "Pease, Bir, there's nothing in the house to eat," said Brown's landlady. " How about the fish I sent in?" "Please, sir the cat 'aye eat them." "Then there's some cold chicken — " " Please, sir, the cat — " "Wasn't there tart of some sort ?" " Please, sir, the cat — " "All right, I must do with cheese and—" "Please, sir, the cat—" "Then, darn it, cook the cat, and let's have it all at once."

— M. Lefebure de Fourcy was examining a student in physics once upon a time, and the young man being nervous failed utterly on the first question put to him — a very simple one. "Bring this gentleman a bundle of hay for his breakfast," remarked the disgusted examiner to one of the attendants. " Bring two — the professor and I will breakfast together !" added the student, who thus suddenly regained and asserted his self-possession.

— " Pa, I wish you would buy me a little pony," said Johnny. " I haven't any money to buy you a pony, my son. You should go to school regularly, my son, study hard, and become a smart man, and some of these days, when you grow up, you will have money of your own to buy ponies with." " Then I suppose, you didn't study much when you were a little boy like me, or else you would have money now to buy ponies with, wouldn't you, pa ?"— Texas Sif tings. — Dangers of Indiscriminate Praise.— (A caution to mothers.) Mrs Tomlinson (to extremely eligible young lady) : " I'm sure you'll like my son Richard, my dear Miss Goldmore. Not that he's exactly brilliant, you know, but he's so steady and good. Spends all his evenings at home, and always in bed by eleven. He a never given me an hour's uneasiness in his life !" " Good gracious !" exclaims Miss Goldmore, and instantly conceives for Richard a frantic aversion. — Punch.

— Two gentlemen being out early one Sunday in the suburbs of London, one of them remarked, " How plainly^ one can hear the London church bells this morning ; did you notice?" " Yes ; I have noticed of late that the sound of the bells could be heard more distinctly since the opening of the new road. You see that it shortens the distance to town." " That's so ; I did not think of that till you spoke," was the reply ; and they both walked on mutually Ipleased with having solved the difficult question. — At a populous manufacturing town there was an inhabitant who held a good position as a fishmonger, and, being partial to theatricals, was very kind and gave great assistance to the Theatre Royal. Being anxious to make his debut, it was at last arranged that he should play Polonius for the manager's benefit, that gentleman himself playing Hamlet. The house was crammed and the play proceeded until it came to the lines, " Do you know me my lord ?" " Excollently well ; you are a fishmonger !" when the maternal parent of Polonius (being in frotat and thiakins the line was a personal

insult to her son) rose and said : " Well, sir, if he is a fishmonger he has been very kind to you, and you've no right to expose him ir* public."

Remember that for corns and bunions no remedy is> equal to Allcock's Corn or Bunion Plasters. The uuiversal vexdict is that they relieve almost instantaneously. Why cringe with pain, when by wearing; one of these little plasters you can walk uprightly and wear the tightest boote with ease? Try » 74* packet as a sample. Sold only in two stee pa«Uet« r 7*dandl3Jd.

A Word or WABimra —To protect the public, wd pre Tint them from being: Imposed upon by the worihlesi counterfeits and imitations of our Murjuy asv Laksak's FiiOMDA Watkr, we hive prep -red paper In wmoh the words " Laam&n and Kemp, New York," appear in pale letter* when a leaf of the little pampklei 1* held up to the light; and whenever Florida Water i* offered for sale, wrapped In a pamphlet that doe* not have this water mark or stamp in it, th«u it i* eonnterfeit, and ahould be rejected ) Adtt.]