FUN AND FOOCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 1645, 2 June 1883, Page 28

FUN AND FOOCY.

— " Be jabers," exclaimed an Irishman, " I've slept sixteen hours ! I went to bed at eight and got up at eight." — " It isn't loud prayers that count with the Lord so much as four full quarts for every gallon," says an Arkansas circus rider. — It was a Detroit girl who married at 15 so as to have her golden wedding when it would do her some good. —Only half -a- bull. — Lady (adding up sum) 7 and 2 are 9; 2 and 6— oh, Hodge ! what is 2 and 6?" Hodge — " 'Arf-a-crown, miss." — Euining the Revenue. — " Come on, Jamie, an' I'ae stan 1 ye a gill." Jamie : "Na, man ; I've joined the Blue Ribbon." "Man, what gar'd ye dae that, Jamie ? " Jamie : " I did it tae spite aul' Gledstane. There 'ill be an awf v' hole in the revenue this year." —Scene— Oban ; Donald's shop is newly opened. Neighbour : " Weel, Donald, hoo's yer bit shop daein' 1 " Donald : " O-h, she wass doo ferry well ; an tae five per cent, profit was coot ! " Neighbour : " Five per cent. ! But ye micht get mair ! " Donald : " She'll do ! What she'll give seexpence for she'll get half-a-croon ! O-h, ay, she'll doo ! " — " That boy will make a very popular preacher," said a father, pointing to his eightyear old son, who was kissing his little female companion. "What makes you think so?" says the mother. "Why, can't you see for yourself? " was the reply ; "so young, and yet so fond of the girls." — Philadelphia Chronicle. — Ingenious. — A certain Church has been struck by lightning a dozen times, and now, when the preacher shows signs of getting longwinded and passing from his " seventhly " to his " eighthly " the organist slily imitates the sound of approaching thunder on the pedals. The result is that the preacher finishes hib sermon and starts the doxology in an amazingly short time. The congregation has increased the salary of that organist. — "You seem to feel down-hearted to-day, Dennis," said his employer. "What's the matter with you?" "It's sore distressed I am, sor. Felix Maguire's connivin' daughter has run off wid me by Mickie, an' there's no wan left to comfort me in my ould age." " It's very sad, Dennis." " Yes, sor ; it's an eclipse of the son»"

—A rural chap, with a great deal of music in his soul, visited the city and stopped in front of an opera house where the orchestra was rendering Wagnerian airs. "Going in?" asked a friend, tapping him on the shoulder. " Well, yes, I calculate to," he replied, " but I guess I'll wait till they get through mending boilers inside, I want to hear the music."

— Why Hobson objected. — " Hobson," said Muggins, " they tell me you've taken your boy away from the graded school. What's that for ? " " 'Cause," said Hobson, " the master ain't fit to teach 'im." "Oh," said Muggins, " I've heard he's a very good master." " Well," replied Hobson, apologetically, "all I knows is he wanted to teach my boy to spell 'taters with a ' p.'" — " I don't want no rubbish, no fine sentiments, if you please," said the widow who was asked what kind of an epitaph she desired for her late husband's tombstone. "Let it be short and simple, something like this:—'William Johnson, aged seventy-five years. The good die young.' "—Brooklyn Eagle. — Eli Perkins' Sayings.— Levity is the soul of wit. A boor is a man who talks so much about himself that you don't get a chance to talk about yourself. If you get the best of whisky, whisky will get the best of you. Muzlin' makes a dog safe, while it makes a young lady dangerous — still, in hot weather they both want muslin.

— Putting him up to a Wrinkle. — Quaker (to Chop-house Proprietor) :— " Pray, friend, how many barrels of ale dost thou sell a month ?" Proprietor :— " Well, generally about eight or nine." Quaker :—": — " Wouldst thou like sell ten?" Proprietor:— "Yes; I certainly would." Quaker : — " Well, friend, fill thy glasses, and thou certainly shall." — A lady residing in this village, the mother of a bright little boy, was talking to him the other night, just as she was putting him to bed, about the efficacy of prayer, and told him that if he would ask God for anything that he particularly desired she had no .doubt his request would be granted. The little fellow knelt at his mother's knee and prayed God to send him fifty little sisters and one hundred little brothers. The prayer was never finished, for the mother, aghast at tho prospect of having her house turced into an orphan asylum, lifted the boy to his feet and tucked him into bed without a moment's unnecessary delay. — Middletown, Vt., Mercury.

Let tjs look back —During the 45 years that Bb stol's Pars pariijLA has been akta»d»rd medicine, how many pie 'araii-m intended to rival it have goii* down ! Some «f them have exploded suddenly, like the bottle' In which they fermented; others have gradually fall«n into co..tempt. The very names of maoy ol them hive f-'ded from the public memor>l Hrbtoli's SARSAPAUiiiiiAistheonly one that haa ful filled the promiaes made on its behalf.— [Advt.

Vaduabliß Dmkjovsby foe thb HAia.—lt your h»Jr Is turning grey or white, or falling oil, u»e " The Mexican Hair Renewer. • for It will ■poiitively taiort In every caie Grey or M ,ute Hair to its original colour, without leaving the disagreeable gmell of mo«t " Restorers." It makes tho hair charmingly boautiful, at well aa promoting the growth of the hair on bald ipots, where tho glands are not decayed. Ask yotu Ohemißtß for "Tmi Mbxioan Hair Runbwur." Sold by Chemists and Perfumers everywhere at So <M per bottle. Wholesale depot removed to 83 Varringdoo ad, London. — [Advt. 1

Florimnk !— For. thb Truth and Brbath.— A fa drope of the liquid " Ftoriline" «prinkled on a wet tooth-brunb produces a pleasant lather, which thoroughly cleanse* the teeth from all parasites 01 impurities, hardens the gums, prevents tartar, stop* decay, gives to the teeth a peculiar pearly- whitened, and a delightful fragrance to the breath. It remote all uupleasaut odour arlkiug from decayed teeth ur tobacco imoke. "The Fragrant FlorSllne," being composed in part of honey and sweet herbs, Is del) cious to the taste, and the greatest toilet discovery o( the ago. Price 2s 6d, of all Chemist* and Perfumer*. Wholesale dopot removed to 83 Farrlngdon, road. London.— [Advi.]

Abvior to Mothhm !— Are you broken in your reat by a »tol£ child suffering with the pain ot cutting toach? Go at once to a chemist and «bt, a uottlo o' EARtJ Wlti-jI.OW'S HOOTIIINtf SYHUP It W! ttl/l.'ve th« p.iur sulfwer linmarfitstrly, It (8 pyjt^uy uarta „„» nd pl«*s<in« to taste, It produces natural, quit-t aluoj. by'rehevlng the child from pain, atd the little oh.nut a v .Xes "an bright as a button." v aoothim the child, it aultena tlie gums, allay* ail pain, relieve wifti, ngulatesthc bowels, and Is tho boat known reoudj. oi dj'Haatnry and diarrhraa, whether arising ttoas toothing or other oausea. Mrs Window's Soothing Syrup ia sold by medicine dealers everywhere at is lid psir brrtfcte.— lAdvi.]

A Word ot Warning* -To protect the public, and (>revt>nt them from beiuj; imposed upon by the wor hlosa counterfeits and imitauons of our Murkat am» Lan man's i-lorioa Wat.'R, V7o hive prep < red paper in which the words " La .nun and Kemp, Now YorK," appear in pale lettera when a leaf of the little pampklet is held up t-> the light; and wuenevar tfiorid* Water is offoivd for sale, wrapped in a pamphlet that dfes not htye thia water mark or stamp In it, thaa it U counterfeit, and should be rejected. — j advt.]