BENJIE BUTTONS' EXPERIENCES. I,—BENJIE'S RIDE HOME ON THE BULL'S

Otago Witness, Issue 1540, 14 May 1881, Page 28

BENJIE BUTTONS' EXPERIENCES. I,— BENJIE'S RIDE HOME ON THE BULL'S

My name is Benjie Buttons— my profession, a tailor. Ye laugh, freens ; there's sma' oocasion. Had I been a sodger ye wad ha' baen regardin' me wi' looks o' admeeration* Puir humanity ! Which is the wiser-like occupation, think ye—ehapin' and sewin' garments together for the comfort and adornment o' a fellow mortal's body ; or borin' holes in it, as a preparation of worms' meat ? Like our great tribune John Bricht, I'm nae for fetohin' unless for the hameßtead— an', my oertle, if it come tae that, yell no fin' Benjie Buttons a fudgio. Auld Falther Time has shelved me frae takiu' my stan' amang the younger athletes ; but I've Been the day Benjie cud tak' the shine out 0' a wheen 0' the oallants— either at loupin' or wrestlin'. As to head lore, our historians, feelosophers, and poets are my familiars ; I conjure by them. The mention o' poets will sptly furnish an introduction to my aln story— and I fancy the reader will be compelled to own that neither Mateppa's ride, as tauld by a Byron, nor John Gilpin's, as rhymed by a Cowper, is mair wonderfu'. If Byron's hero rodo tho « desert-born/ Benjie rode the 'parishbred.'

It waa the eve of the annual celebration 0' the ' Highland games ' in oor district. I had still a connection wl' the sports, bein' a

committee man and the judge 0' bagpipe music. I'm a graun han' on the fiddle, an' can play my favourites wi' the deftness 0' a Neil Gow. To mak' the tail o' my story dear it will be neoessary, at this stage, to Inform you that I lease a sma' oottage about twa miles frae the village an' station 0' Dldlum, at the very edge o* the line. My wife Mag and three bairns are dependent on my needle, a pig, an' half a score 0' hens for bed and board, and they fare gey weel, I can tell ye. It was a Friday nicht early in August, I left my ' household goods ' hale and hearty to attend oor committee meeting i' the village. Ab soon as the feenal touch had been put to the arrangements, Watohie dived into a wee press in the wall, fishln' out a large blue jor, an' a set 0' glasses, which he clapped on the table.

' Noo, billies,' he exclaimed, ' we'll unoork and yell gie me your opinion on my Glenlivet.'

Oor verdict was gweed stuff, an' ower the tipple we discussed politics, airt, soience, religion, &c, &o. My Gertie, had there been a reporter In the corner, like Guroey in the 'Nootes' of Wilson, he wud hae opened the eyes o' the Lordß— the half 0' them soamps or idiots was our verdiot. We wud also hae gaen a hint to the ' Lower Hoose ' about dealin' wi' the obstructives. We had also a sang or twa, an', in fact, were a happy ' band 0' brithers,' but, as Burns writes on a somewhat similar oocasien:

Pleasures are like poppies spread ; You seize the flower its bloom is shed. * * * * Nae man can tether time or tide, The hour approaches Tarn maun ride. Sac wi' us. It was gey near dawn, though the morning cam' mnffled in sic a clood o' mist that ye cud hardly see her face. Mag, I waß jalousin', would be puttin' Benjie through his faoln's for so late, or ralther early, hame-coming. My certle, she's a match for Punoh's Mrs Oaudle at 'ourtain lectures.' I was compelled to give up the volunteers to the foroe 0' her eloquenoe, an' I strongly suspect that I'll no be able to attend oor committee meetin' neist spring— at least I'm nae expeotin' it. While pensively muuin' 0' Mag's worryin' ways, I reached the old Toll-house, an' bethooht me o' makin' a near cut through Tilly's meadow. I mißsed the stile on account of the fog, and began to olamber over the dyke. Watohie's Glenlivet was fizzln' i' my noddle, as I steadied myself on the ooopln' stanes, when a low deep moan struck my ear. It was sac eerie and waef v' that I gave a start and swayed backwards and forwards so long that I lost my centre o' gravity, and, to save myself a haphazard tumble, leapt down wi' legs an' airms extended as if gaun' to flee. Poon I oam' as a maitter o' coorse, but nae to embrace mother earth, as I expeoted, but a rough hairy animal. Thunder and lightning! I had dropped astride Tilly's * doddy ' bull, Joshua. Wi' a snort 0' surprise and anger, nae doot, for bein' roused out o' his mornin' nap, the animal sprang to his feet. I wud hae been jerked ower the rump had I no grttpped on by the tall— to which my face was turned. I tell ye, freens, it was a kittle position to be on a sudden launohed into — mair especially as I'm nae rider. I oonfess that I never was but aince mounted afore — and my experience 0' that ac ride wasna re-assurin'. Joßhua gave me little time for reflection— for a second or two he pawed the ground with a deep ominous low — then giving utterance to a tremendous bellow he shot awa across the lea, with tail in air, as if he had been Btung by a host of gadflies. Roused from their lair, the rest 0' the herd joined the rout, and round and round the park we careered, until we cam' back to the starting point at the old Toll-house. Here the bull went headlong at the stile, which I had failed to fin' j and breaking the twa upper bars landed on the turnpike. At the same time a splinter 0' the stloks had torn my skin as well as my breeks, an' I felt the warm bluld trlcklln' down my thigh. The way was now clear to the village, an', my oertle, didn't he go it. Across the rail* way brig at a bound, then slap through the the baker's kail yard. When we reached the main street 0' Dldlum, bellowin' as we tore along, windows were thrown open, cowled heads an' faces in mutches looked forth to see what the row was, while in my agony I shrieked out ! ' Help a poor taller ! ' How cud they hae helped me, unless indeed, they had shot the brute, running the risk 0' wingin' the rider ? From my stern view I kent he was headin* for the kirkyard, an' I oudna help reflectln' that there wud be a funeral passln' the same road at an early date, wl' Bepjie Buttons In the procession an' na' conscious o't.

Meanwhile Joshua had rammed the kirkyard gate wl' his head, but it wudna budge, sac he turned sharply down a narrow lane that led to the railway, an', smashing the wooden palm' at the oorner 0' the Station House, leaped from the platform on to the line. Wi' a tremendous roar, he straightened himself for a gallop along the iron road— head north, tall Bouth— fan, to my horror, I saw, looming in the distance, an object whioh I keht to be the nkht mail I then took up my parable, and thocht, for I oudna spake. ♦ Farewell, ye green pastures and wavin orops ! Farewell, my bonny bit cot I Mag an' the bairns, farewell I Sorry will Mag be for a' her girnin' wi' Benjie, when he's carried in a bleedin and mangled corpse to her, for, without a doubt, I'm booked for the terminus.' While thus mentally soliloqueezing, the smokin' demon drew nearer an' nearer, an' I endna help thinkin' 0' that terrible story o' Poe's, 'the Pit and the Pendulum.' The latter, if the reader is fameeliar wi' it, is described as oomln' down and down till the teethened edges o' the pendulum begin to saw the victim's clothes. Instinctively I i began repeating the Lord's prayer, had finished it, an' was beghmin' the ' Creed,' fan the driver o' the engine gave a tremendous fussle. It cam' so sudden on the bull that he bounded aside, and slipping, rolled broadside down a steep embankment, pitchin' me at the same time richt over the fence on to my own dunghill. After rakin' the muok frae my eyes, an' lookln' up to see faur I had got to, I saw Mag in her nicht gear lookin' oob for her truant spoose, My certle, dldna I feel quear 1

1 She had witnessed my abrupt arrival, but she hedna seen the means 0' transit, so she shrieks out, ' Gweed save us, Benjle, hae ye come hame by telegraph ?' i 'By telegraph !' I replied ; ' no, woman, I oam' hame by Joshua.' Her 'dander' was up in a mmnetj an' without askin' ony mair questions she hisses forth, 'Aye, aye, my lad, ye've been at yer drunken tricks again j but the neist committee meetin' ye attend I'll be there tae.'— J. C. In the Aberdeen Free Press. Increase In Suicides. The fact that suicides are becoming more common year by year is settled by the researches of Professor Bertillon, of Paris, and Professor MorselH, of Italy. Some of the results of their enquiries, as tabulated by Dr Knighton in an article in the January number of the Contemporary Review, are interesting and curious. From the fact that the reoords of increase as given in the various countries of Europe and in the United States do not cover the same periods and are not brought up to the same dates, it is impossible to institute any reliable comparison as. to the prevalence or relative increase of the' crime in different countries. Taking some of the prinoipal nations we get at the latest dates, giving the following results :—: — The annual increase in the number of suicides, reckoning from various dates up to the year named, was, in

In the United States alone does (the increase in population account for more than a small part of the increase of suicides. In regard to the clasaeß in persona in Europe generally, Professor Bertillon found' as follows : — Amongst a million of persons of eaoh class so far as the returns afforded 1 means of comparison, the following numbers committed suicide :— <

These figures show in the strongest way the advantages of marriage, and of the possession of offspring. They supply incident' ally a fresh argument for seoond marrlnges. They show also that women are muoh less ready to commit suicide than men. Cow's Teeth. Ignorance Stalking Through the Land. A couple of third Ward oitizens met eaoh other on the sidewalk last Monday morning as they were starting for their plaoes of business, and one of them, a man who resides on Van Buren street, aaked the other, a Jackson street man, if oows had any front teeth on their upper jaw. The Jackson street man was a little astonished at the question, as there had been nothing said about cows, but replied promptly. ' Why, of course, they have front teeth on their upper jawj how could they bite off grass if they hadn't?' The Van Buren street man said It was not a question of logio, but a question of fact ; and if the Jaokson street man did not know whether cows had front teeth on the upper jaw or not he ought to say so. 'I did not ask you for your opinion,' he said, ' I asked if you knew.' The Jaokson street man was a little nettled at this, and replied with some warmth. He said if he had a child three years old who would ask suoh a question as that he should be afraid the child was an idiot. 'You would?' 'I certainly should.' 'Then,' said the Van Buren street man, *as it is such a simple question, of course you can tell me whether cows have got front teeth on their upper jaws or whether they have not.' 'Why, of oourße they have.' 'They have, eh?' 'Yes.' 'I'll bet you $10 they haven't,' said the Van Buren street oitizen, pulling out a roll of bills, and peeling off a couple of fives and shaking them at his neighbour. 'Put up or shut up.' 'There is some infernal oatch about this thing,' said the other suspiciously; 'I might have known it, too, the minute you asked me suoh an infernally idiotic question. ' 'No catch at all about it,' replied the other, 'if oows have got front teeth on their upper jaws the $10 Is yours. If they haven't, the money is mine. Nothing could be fairer than that, could there ? '

But still the Jackson street man hesitated. It was barely possible that cows did not have any front teeth on their upper jaws. He remembered then, that cows in biting off grass always threw their noses outward, while a horse nipped it off by jerking his nosa inward. He was astonished at how near he had come to being victimised, but he did not like to come down. The two were then near the meat market at the corner of Jackson and Michigan streets, and the Jaokson street man was sure that a butoher would know for oertain whether or not oows had front teeth on their upper jaws ; so he pushed open the door and said to the proprietor :—: — ' Linehan, have oows got front teeth on their upper jaws ? ' Linehan was running a skewer through a roast of beef, but he stopped, looking up in astonishment, and said, 'What?' 'Have cows got front teeth on their upper jaws ? ' 'Cows?' 'Yes?' 'Got front teath on their upper jaws ?' 'Yes.' Upon my word I don't know.' • You don't know? ' ' No. You see I buy my beef by the quarter at the slaughter-house, and don't have anything to Ido With the heads. But I can find out for you when Igo over.' ' I wish you would.' So the Jaokson street man closed the door and rejoined his neighbour, and the two walked along without saying a word. A milk waggon was seen coming up the street, and it was resolved to hail the driver and ask him the question, as ib is popularly supposed that milkmen are more or leas familiar with cowfl. The Van Buren-street oitizen cleared his throat and yelled, ' Hello 1 ' Tho milkman reined up, and said :

'Go ahead with your testa. If you find any water or chalk in that milk I'll give you the whole of it.'

The oitizens told him to be calm, as they had no intention of testing his milk, but only wanted to know If oows had front teeth on their upper jaws. Tbe milkman looked at them about a minute, and then whipped up his horses and drove off, mentioning some kind- of a fool that they were. Up to Wisconsin-street they saw another milkman, delivering milk, and overtaking him they explained the dispute. He smiled pityingly upon their Ignorance, and said : lOf course cows have front teeth on their upper jaws— a drivelling idiot ought to know that much. A cow would be a handsome looking object without any front teeth in her upper jaw, wouldn't she ? ' 'I've concluded to take that bet of yours,' said the Jaokaon-atreet man to the other. ' Gome, now, down with your dust. Put up or shut up.' 1 Why didn't you do it, then, when you had a ohaaoe ? I never claimed to know whether a cow had front teeth on her upper , jaw or not j I only thought I had read so somewhere, and asked to see if you knew about it fot oertain. But now that the thing Is settled, there is nothing to bet on as, I can see.'

'Oh, of course not,' said the Jacksonstreet man, sarcastically, ' of course not.'

Just then Mr Clark, of the Newhall House, happened along, and as the milkman picked up his lines and drove off, the Van Buren, street man asked Mr Clark if he knew anything about cows. Mr Clark said he did, having formerly been a farmer and a cattle buyer. • Well,' said the Van Buren-streeter, ' do you know I got the queerest idea in my head this morning about cows that a man ever had. Somehow or other I got an idea that oows had no front teeth on the upper jaw ; and I actually offered to bet ten dollars with this man that such was the case. I don't see what possessed me.' •Well, if you had bet you would have won the money,' said Mr Clark. ' What !' exclaimed both the oitizens to-

gether. 'I Bay if you had bet you would have won the money, for cows have no front teeth on their upper jawß.' 'Sweet spirit, hear my prayer,' said the Van Buren street oitizen as he brought out his roll, and peeled off the two fives again and shook them at the Jackson street man, who turned away with a sickly smile, and said he could not be always pulling out his money ! Ignoraaoe seems to be stalking through the laud like a Kansas grasshopper on stills. The Puzzled Census-Taker. ' Got any boys?' the marshal said To a lady from over the Rhine ; And the lady shook her flaxen head, And civilly answered, • Nein 1 ' ' Got any girls ? ' the marshal said To the lady from over the Rhine ; And again the lady shook her head, ' And civilly answered, 'Nein 1 ' ' But some are dead ? ' the marshal said To the lady from over the Rhine; And again the lady shook her head And civilly answered, • Nein 1 ' ' Husband, of course 1 ' the marshal said To the lady from over the Rhine ; And again she shook her flaxen head And civilly answered, 'Nein ! ' ' What's that you say 1 ' the marshal said To the lady from over the Rhine ; And again she shook her flaxen head And civilly answered, • Nein ! ' ' Now what do mean by shaking your head, And always answering, " Nein ? " ' • Ich kann kein Englisoh I' civilly said The lady from over the Rhine. John 0. Saxb Mr Poolamey Gets Married. Mr Poolamey was married. Not having the exacb change with him when the ceremony was solemnised, he told the minister that he would send it around by a friend. A few days ago Mr Foolamey, in some unaccountable manner, obtained a $5 note, and, inolosing it in an envelope, sent it to the minister by a tried and trusted friend. On the way the friend stepped into a beer saloon. There he met several acquaintances, and told them where he was going. • What ! A fiver for a minister for making a man unhappy for life ? Pshaw 1* ejaculated M'Sweezy. Heister thought so himself, and said that $4 ought to be enough. He spent $1 in treating. This made the orowd think, and one of them suggested that $3 would be sufficient for ten minutes' work. Heister spent another dollar with the boys. • Now, [see here ! ' said M'Sweezy, * the ministers are making entirely too muoh money nowadays. I think two dollars ought to be enough for any man. They know the whole thing by heart, and all they have to do is to sling it out. It's moved and seoonded that we send him two dollars. Carried.' Heister spent another dollar, and then said he must really go. As he was about starting out a happy idea struck M'Sweezy. He had a counterfeit two-dollar note, and suggested that it be sent to the minister. All hands agreed, and the good money was squandered in beer. Then the bad bill was duly mailed to the ' owner of the gospel mill.' That night the minister's servant girl was arrested for passing counterfeit money. Mr Foolamey has also been arrested, and he will probably spend his honeymoon in jail. The friends who put up the job point at him in derision, and say it's a shame that a man should get married if he can't afford to pay for the luxury. — N. Y. Dispatch. The Boston Girl. When the Boston Maiden isn't at a leoture, At a lecture, On the bioplastic theory of man, Theory of man, She will take some little trouble to correct your To correct your, Western tendency to flirt with Cousin Pan, Cousin Fan. When she talks to you of Greece and modern ethioi, Modern ethics, And declares that Socrates was rather wild, Rather wild, You begin to think that she a little fresh is, Little fresh is, Dragging scandals ifp on which the yeara are pilod, Yeara avo piled. —Chicago Tribuue.

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Scarcity of Money.— There is no doubt that the present condition of all kinds of business and industry is fearfully depressed, and it behoves every family .to look carefully to their expenses. Winter is coming on, when children are liable to Croup, Whooping" cough, &o. Coughs and Colda will prevail everywhere, and Consumption, with other throat and lung diseases, will carry off many. These diseases should not be neglected. Doctors' bill are expensive, and we would advise cur people to use Bosohbb's Gbbman Syrup. It never has failed. One bottle at 8s 6d will keep your whole family well dnrlng the whiter. Two dosei will relieve any case. Sold iv all towns in New Zealand; and wholesale by Kbmpthornh, Prossbb, and Co., sole agents for New Zealand.— [Adyt.]

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BUSINESS NOTIOES.

Married men with children Married men without children Widowers with children . . Widowers without children Married women with children Married women without children Widows with children Widows without children 205 470 528 1004 45 ISB 104 233

Great Britain and Ireland up to 1878 Austria .. .. „ 1878 Prussia .. .. „ 1878 France .. .. „ 1877 The United States .. „ 1878 Denmark .. .. „ 1876 The minor German States „ 1878 .. 70 .. 122 .. 133 .. 149 .. 163 .. 258 „ 289