Susan's Dark Horse.

Otago Witness, Issue 1522, 8 January 1881, Page 27

Susan's Dark Horse.

Probably the meanest piece of cold-blooded deception ever practiced on a woman occurred out in Western Addition the other day. It seems that the belle of that important suburb of our municipality is a Miss Susan Smiffey, whom a vigorous rumour, kept in circulation by her less favoured sisterhood, credited with being a desperate little flirt, — in fact, what Billy Bice, the minstrel, used to call a •false-hearted orokay.' At all events her affections were of sufficiently indefinite a quality to cause her two most favoured visitors to look upon the other with the most vindictive feelings common to hated rivals. These gentlemen who were, respectively a City-Hall olerk, with eye-glasses and freckles, named Pliff, and a red headed dry-goods manipulator, called Dlgga, occupied the intervals devoted to gloomily sitting each other out three evenings a week, to fruitless attempts to discover which of the two was really the coming man in the matrimonial race, so to speak. Laßt Thursday morninp, Miss Smiffey, in response to a businesslike ring, admitted a middle-aged party, with a black beard, and wearing blue goggles and a long-tailed ulster. ' I am taking the census, mum,' he said, opening the flat book on the piano, and getting out some blanks ; ' just look sharp, please and answer the necessary questions.' Miss Smiffey trembles a little, as women always do for some reason, when talking to a Government officer, and said she'd try. , 'Lem'mesee — your name's Smiffey, I believe—first name II 11I 1 ♦ Susan.' ' Middle name ?' ' Haven't got any, sir.' 'Come now, young woman, no prevarication. Are you sure you haven't got a middle name somewhere, and you are trying to conceal It ?' * No, sir j indeed I haven't,' said the young lady, turning pale. 'I wouldn't deceive you.' ' You'd better not, mum. The penalty is 25 years at hard labour.' * Gracious me !' ' Fact, mum. Now, then, let'a see what's next. Ah ! yes — how often married ?' 1 Not once yet.' 'Ahum! going to be, I s'pose? Been asked, eh?' •Oh, yes, sir; several times.' ' Call it six times,' said the census man, making an entry. 'What next? Ah, yes — is your back hair false ?' • MM — m— mußt I answer that V ' Of course you must. Don't trifle with the United States Government, mum. Come now ' ' Well, it's sorter ; that is kinder ' 'That'll do; we'll call it mixed. Teeth sound V ' Yes, sir 1' with much emphasis. 'Don't get excited. Let's see — I'll put your age down as 25. The United States never allows us to take a woman's age on oath. They will lie ; can't help it, I guess.' •I'm jast 18. I don't care whether the Government likes it or not,' said the citizeness, snappishly. 'Of course, of course ; they all say that. Pay attention, please. What siza corset ?' • Eh ?' 'Must answer, mum, Remember the penalty. How many inches round the waisfc ?' ' Well if you must know, 16. But I think it's just sham ' •No remarks, if you please. Ahem ! We'll call ifc 19. They generally throw off about three inches, I find. Size of shoe ?' ' Two — but I can wear one and a—' ' I'll return you as a No. 4, That's about what a'♦ threer" always saya. Any beaux ?' « W— w— what ?' 'I say, any beaux? —and be very careful about your answer, mum. The Washington authorities are very particular on this point. Has everything to do with the next census, you see, Now, how many »weethearj;a V

• Well— of course — there are some gentlemen coming here — and '

' Of course there are ; I've got you down in the "Good-looks" apaoe as "A-A-l-1 handsome. So, of course, you have plenty of admirers. All the Government requires, however, is the principal ones.' 'Well,' said the young lady, somewhat mollified, ' There is Jimmy Pliff, and Tom Diggs, and '

' Hold up, right there ! Which of 'em do you intend to marry ?' said the enumerator of population, earnestly. • Oh, neither of them. There's — ahem 1 — there's a splendid gentleman named Scudberry — Charlie Scudberry — perhaps you know him ? He has big, brown whiskers and beautiful curly hair, and 1 ' ' And do these — these other gentlemen — Pliff and Dlggs— know of the existence— of this — this fellow Scudberry ?' 'Oh no ! I'm too smart for that. I just tag them along tojbuy ice-cream and caramels, and take me to the theatre. It's the biggest fun ! Charlie knows all about, you see, and calls himself the— the— Oh yes, the dark horse !'

' Oh he does, does he !' roared the oensusman, jerking off his wig and goggles, and revealing the enraged features of Mr Thomas Diggs. ' I wish him joy of his bargain, and I'll give him just six months to get a divorce from the most two-faced little cat on the Paoific Coast I' And he banged the door like a piledriver behind time as he stalked out. — San Francisoo Post.