Fun and Fancy.

Otago Witness, Issue 1506, 25 September 1880, Page 23

Fun and Fancy.

Obiginal. By G. C. B. :— Song of the little lamb.— Air, "Just before the battle, Mother;"— While upon the field of turnips I am thinking most of ewe (more anon). A man' was tried' at the criminal' sittings o£ the Supreme Court at InvercargiU 'some tima ago for perjury. . ; I forgot what, the verdict was, but guilty or not guilty is what waa brought ia " per-jury" (perjury). „ . . A dentisfc^after an unsuccessful operation on a patient consoled, himself 1 with I , the thought that he had removed a' quarter of, an "aohre " from, the fallow's mouth. ,/, A drunkard's excuse, was, that the spiritmoved him. Bum, wasn't it!. D'ye see? An. illiterate fellow wishes to know if the? I Otago Witness attends all the Court oases. If you lost your toe (one of them; we presume) and find it again — buy a pipe as a matter of course; Why ? Because you've got your toe-back-oh. Goodness, gracious ! * There ia an old saying, " Uneasy lies tho head that .wears a crown." Query — Whose) head is it that' does not posaeaa a crown ? " Hold your jaw," as the maasaid when ha head was in the lion's' mouth. «<' " That's my impression," aa the seal said to the sealing war. ' One point of difference between a timid chUd and a shipwrecked sailor, is that one clings to its ma and the other to its spar. Professor: "Is the intensity of gravity greater at the poles or at the equator ? " Sophomore: '• Yes,, sir.',' , Profesiir: 1 " Which V* Sophomore : " It's greater." It is -claimed by some medical men tha& smoking Weakens the eyesight. 'Maybe it does, but just see how it strengthens the breath.—' Burlington Hawkeye. ' . r ," "A woman in our; neighbourhood," says • correspondent, "has. just taken the veil. It belonged to some one else, so that she will btt secluded for the space of two yean." A negro teamster in Narshville declares that he must either give up driving mules or with* draw from the church, the two positions being incompatible.- , ■< "'.' " Did it ever occur to yon," asks a punsoma exchange, " why a- lawyer who ia conducting a disputed will oase is like a trapeze performer in a drew? Didn't? Well, it's because he flies through 'the heir with tha greatest of fees." " ' "' ' l '• ' - 5 ' " Joe, why were you out so late last night ! n " It "wasn't ao very late— only a quarter o! twelve." '* How dare, ybu^sit there and say that ? I was awake when yotr came in, and tt waa three o'clock." "Well, isn't three aqaartw of twelve?'? , : Every well-trained hotel clerk reads writing upside down, and always makes it a rule to watch a guest register, and address him by bia name before he gets the last letter of his name) finished. _. . ' , "How are you coming on with Baa-bath, ing?" asked a gentleman of an invalid. - Splendid! I bathe three, times a dar» J How do you like, it ? " "The. doctor afy, I muat take a toddy after each bath to restore) the circulation— that's how I like it ! * Recorder (to witness with bandaged head)* " Didihe have any provocatioa when he struck you?" Witoeas:!*' He may have had something of the kindtconeayled on ;hfa person, baft it was a brick he atauckme m$. n He trod on the plug of Irish soap , • That the girl had left on :the topmost stair— And what to him was love or hope ? And what to him waa joy 'or care ? ' For his feet flew out like wild fierce things. And he struck every step with'a noise like: * ■ drum 1 } • ■ . .• •"i «ir And the girl below, with the scrubbing thinw. Laughed like a fiend to see him come. "Mrs Sage, I should , like, ,4b know whdoi ferry boats those are that I tumbled over in Miheball?" " Ferry boats, indeed, air ! Thoai are my shoes ! Very polite of you? to "call 'em ferry boats! ? *- "Dida't9ay:ferry boats; Mrs s you misunderstood me— 'fairy .boots,' I said! ,my dear friend,;* * , ; ><- t ■ * When is 5 a Judy's dreas like an'unfortunat* bullfighter? When it S"g6red.-Aia~when fa it like a. partisan? When it is biased.— And when is it like a'toper? Wnen itisfalL— An* when is it like the sails of a ship ? When it fa trimmed. We haven't time to follow this lead any farther. • t c ,. v „ ,7 ! "Is this the way to Aberdeen?" asked ft gentleman of a man who was breaking'atonesi ! "Noo,*whaur did ye coma frae?^' (was th« thoroughly Scotoh answer. "What business iaitof yours where I come from'?" returned the gentleman, angray7?- f -*Oa, jist as muckla as it is whaur ye're gaun," replied the lapidary, quietly resuming his occupation. A little girl in the" infant class of a Sunday school thoroughly appreciated the difference between being .good from choice and from necessity." At the close of the school one daw the teaoher remarked: "Beckie, dear, yon have been a very good girl to-day." "Yet 'm, I eool&rt help being good ri<got a 'tiff neck," Beckie replied, with- ;peife«*. seriousness. ;. * > _ AScotchdruggut waaajroused by the ringW of Ms night belL He afo^;.went;d6wnstaS and< served 'a customer with a dose of safta? His wife grumbled, •■ WJhatrprofiVdo yotTaae reply. "And for that>ha'penny you'll he. awake a long l time^T refoinedt tha mit -Aweel," replied the pWdSggfet %L dose of saita will keep him awalSSf^^ let us thank.Reaven that we have ft/S andnot.thepainof the transaction » * Pr ° fit JS ?» y^* ? ck m y brother Ben ?>"'-^Yea 1 I S« 4«>Pping hia boncHe.anl fitting on hw j hands. , . « WeU," eontinuel the ottier lad, backWslowly aWay, ." he needt civu!^ °° 8 '? Wto teacfi!hfan tobj •- We' are sorry to be r comt)eUedltb"protes6 against the brutal eoaduot of of the botZ tiemen who took part in the Bradlaugh debate. So anxious was everyone ; tq speak, ,thaino lea than 90 members tried to catch the Sni,aker^ eye at; tha same time, inflicting io'niuohiniasr ttat the right hon. gentleman watfunable toS more than wink ' at their Tha •toggle for tbe.ear of itheiHeusewas^at thw! fearful, and it is.rumonredlthat the o»a?fa " William, do j you know why vbn am 1lb« adonkey^?" < "&^^fPic\^ $£ ham, opening histeyea'wide,^ No,^r?donV' Do you give jit , »up ? » *« Ido '* "tL SfS? Htes^H te s^ .iaatubbornnwa itse^» "That's not bad.' 'Ha! ha ri'll'give that^ L EC 11 * 5 W l en X get b ™*" '' " MFdear*' hi ±whViu at 4TdSk^Si