Sentiment and Humour.

Otago Witness, Issue 1243, 25 September 1875, Page 19

Sentiment and Humour.

Best size for a man — exercise. Spell-bound— children at school. Winter salutation — hail, fellow, well wet.

An attached couple— the shells of an oyster.

A cool request— drink to me only with thine ice (eye*).

He that looses his conscience has nothing left worth keeping. A great man will neither trample on a worm nor cringe before a king. When a man has a house-lob on which he cannot pay the taxes he has a site too much.

What words may be pronounced quicker and shorter by adding syllables to them 1 Quick and short.

No man ever fails to think less favourably of himself after a quarrel than he did before it ; he feeb degraded in his own estimation, as well as that of those around him.

If your friend has a fault, don't dwell so Inn.' upon it as to forget his virtues. It is folly to L. ok for perfection in anything. Accept the best you can get, and be thankful for it.

Every action, every thought, every feeling, contributes to the education of the temper, the habits, and understanding, and exercises an inevitable influence upon all the acts of our future life.

" Why don't you kill off more old hens ? " inquired a friend of a New Jeisey fanner. The latter leaned over the fence, and after eyeing his interrogator a while, s >lemnly replied, '' Summer boarders." " What is stupid," he said, when they reproached him with having taken so much that he couldn't put one foot before the other, " what is stupid is not having so much, but trying to walk afterwards." Men's lives should be like the day more beautiful in the evening ; or, like the summer, aglow with promise ; and the autumn, rich with the golden sheaves, where good works and deeds have ripened on the field.

Among the presents at a wooden Wedding in Allentown, Pa., recently, was an immense wedding cake. This was reserved for the last, and when they came to cut. it, they found it was only a cheese* box covered with icing, When I see this unfortunate crab running round with that big shell on his back, I think of the many men [ know who have moved into houses too large for them, and are now staggering under them and a mortgage. " Do you enjoy sroing to church now ] " asked a lady of Mrs Partington. "La, me, I do," said Mrs Partington, " Nothing does me ?o much good as to get up early on Sunday morning, and go to chtirch and hear a populous minister dispense with the gospel." How hard ifc is to feel that the power of life is to be found inside, not outside; in the heart and thoughts, not in the visible actions and show ; in the living seed, not in the plant which has no root I How often do men cultivate, the garden of their souls juat the other way ! To find one who has passed thrbugli life witiwyt mm, y<?u avjfli find, ms to-

capable of love or hatred, hope or fear — one that hath no memory of the; past, and no thought of the future— one that hath no sympathy with humanity, -and : no feeling in common with the rest of his species. An Arkansas youth came to his father and said :— "Dad, they ain't knives enough to sot the table." Dad—" Whar's big butch, little butch, the case, cob handle, granny's knife, and the one I handled yesterday? That's enough to sot any gentleman's table, without you've lost urn." The celebrated Boerhaave, who had I many enemies, used to say that henever I thought it necessary to repeat their > calumnies. " They are sparks," said he, " which, if you do not blow them, will' go out of themselves. The surest method • against scandal is to live it down by perseverance in well doing " Round came the north wind and swept down upon the rosebud, saying, "Give me a kiss." But the rosebud answered, "No ! " Round came the east wind and swept down upon the rosebud; saying, "Give me a kiss." Bat the rosebud answered, "No ! " Then came the south \ wind, blowing mildly and lovingly, ' and the rosebud kissed it-. "Going to leave, Mary?" "Yes, , mum ! I find I am very discontented." " Jf there is anything I can do to make i you more comfortable, let me know." " No, mum, it's impossible ; you can't alter my figger no more'n I can ; your" dresses won't fit me, and I can't appear on Sundays as I used to at my last place, where missus's cloth rs fitted "zactly." Who Knew Best ?— As an old citizen of Detroit was nailing a "To Rent " to a vacant house, a pedestrian halted and remarked that " howze " was ' not the i right way tospell " house.'- 1 " Ho.w long have you lived in Detroit ? " asked the old man, savagely. "Fifteen years," fwas the reply. "Well, I've lived : here for thirty,'" continued the old man, " and I guess I know how to spell as well aa you do." / ■ ■ Yesterday morning, a Detroit husband escorted his wife to one of the depots, ■ tint she niisrht start on a visit to the country, to be g=»ne six weeks, and as she was about ready to ent jr the car,- he said, "Dear me ! but won't Ibe lonesome^ though!" "I rather think you will," • she responded, in' a • dry, cutting tone, "for I've arranged with six women, four policemen, and two detectives to keep an eye on you." He smiled, but it was a sad smile. Ladies whosi husbands eat heavy suppers must, sleep with one eye open. An old gentleman of Now York lately' supped off blood pudding,- dreamt that he was killing a cat, and woke in the morning to a realisation of the Bad fact that he was a widower, and that the cat ho had killed was his wife. It is r somewhat doubtful whether the jury will take a night-marish vu-w of the ca*e or- not, but the old gentleman's ingenious excuse suggests m«st painfully the dangers of , wives whose husbands aro dyspeptic . Jones gave a lawyer a bill to be collected, to the amount of 840. Calling for it, aftt-r a while, he inquired if- it had been coll cted. "O, yes ! " said the ' lawyer, " I have it all for you."' " What charge for collecting I" "O," said the lawyer, laughing, "I'm not going to " charge you.; why, I have known you ever since you wore a boyyand your father before you ; $20 will be -right." handing over $10. " Well,' said Jones; as he meditaW upon the transaction, "it's darned lucky ho didn't know my grandfather, or I shouldn't havog't anything.' ■ An Alameda Love Story. — The Alnmeda County Independent is responsible for the annexed: — ''The following scene occurred in our viciuity this week. The parties thereto are well-known and respectab c ; the lady is G5 years of age, • and the gentleman five jears her senior. They had frequently Ward of oach other through mutual friend.-', but had nuver ■ met until a fey days ago, when the following crmversation.took place ;—Gcnt~-»; — Gcnt~-» ' Madam, what is your name ? ' Lady— > ' 'My name is — -.' Gent—' My name is . 1 live iv Liverniura, whore I own a ranch. Ahem ! How would you like me for a hut-band V Lady — 'Well, really, now, I don't know. I have heard your mnje, Mr , but how wi»uld you like me for a wife i ' Gent — 'Madam, the sight of you more than does justice ia what I have heard. Will you be my wife?' The iady assented. The gentle man went immediately to Oakland to get a license, and twenty-four hours after their first meeting the couple were inaU and wife, and by this time are on his ranch at Livermore." " Gross Carelessness.— The careless manner in which Government returns are sometimes made up ia disgraceful (saya the Wellington Post), The report of the Marine Department' affords a flagrant instance, especially the interest ing tabulated stateiuentft in relation io the Naval Training Schaol and its 39 pupils. These occupy several pages, and the most important nnd interesting iti-m is given with a neglect of de 1 ail which deserves the severest censure. The item we allude to is in Table M— -List of Donations to the School— Hon. W. H. Reynolds, buns and apples I This ifl all the information vouchsafed in this State paper on this important matter. We ars not told whether they wera Bath huus or currant buns, whether the apples were pippins or codlins, whether they agreed or disagreed with the boys, or whether they did or did not get gingerbeer or lea towaah'them down. We triwt tome niem« I ber of Parliament will immediately move lor a return giving full »upplejnentavy 4«Uil» 9§ ig that ra <^t int6?sgsu}g matter^