Sentiment and Humour.

Otago Witness, Issue 1241, 11 September 1875, Page 19

Sentiment and Humour.

Flat falsehood. — Lying on your back. i Ballet dancers study gauze and effect. Faith in our own ability is half of every { battle. A " no-account man." — One who does not trust. When is an egg not oval ? — When you turn it round. A gratifying market report — " Grain bags are strong. The trump of fame is the most tricky card in the pack. Beer is said to be crystallized — when it is taken in quartz. Get atop of your troubles, and then they're half cured. A crack invisible to the naked eye — The crack of a whip. Moments of triumph are not always moments of happiness. The contented man is never poor, the discontented never rich. . Friendship is the wine of existence ; love, the dram drinking. Woman's hopes are woven of sunbeams ; shadow annihilates them. We do not count a man's years until he has nothing else to count.

Would not steerin' candles be the best illuminators for light-houses.

The room for improvement is probably the largest room in the world.

Memory is the only paradise from which nothing can ever drive us.

A bed contains 2 sheets ; a quire, 24. It takes 12 beds to make a quire. '* Give us a song," said the bellows to the kettle on a bad fire. " I'll see you blowed first," replied the kettle.

Mrs Partixgton says she does not wish to vote, as she fears she couldn't stand the shock of the electrical franchise.

The pecuniary credit of a first-class chess-player should be good, on account of the ease with which he can give a check.

Who can doubt that anything which makes a man discontented with his state without giving him the certainty of a better is a curse 1

Has it never occurred to us, when surrounded by sorrows, that they may be sent to us only for our instruction, as we darken the trees of birds when we wish to teach them to sing. This conundrum is respectfully submitted to the best speller: If S-i-o-u-x spells su, and e-y-e spells i, and s-i-g-h-e-d spells side, why doesn't s-i-o-u-x-e-y-e-s-i-g-h-e-d spell suicide 1

All things are literally better, lovelier, and more beloved for the imperfections that have been divinely appointed, that the law of human life may be effort and ■ the law.of human judgment mercy.

Many people fanoy themselves friendly when they are only officious. 'They counsel not so much' that you may become wise as that they may be recognised a* teachers of wisdom. Hearing it stated that government England would in future be oarried, on without parties, a young lady said, " Oh, dear, I hope not. 'If it comes to that, I hope papa will' take us to live on the Continent." The Weather. — " Captain," said $ , son of Erin, as a ship was nearing the I coast in inclement weather, " have ye a, almenik on board?" "No, I haven't. "Then, be jabers, we shall have to take the weather as it comes." Humanity is not half so black as some people would paint it. ' Its faults are like the spots upon the earth's surface—apparent enough to those who seek them, but unnoticed by those who are satisfied with the sunshine of every-day life. ' A muddy stream, flowing into one clear and sparkling, for a time rolls by itselfl A little further down they unite, and the whole is impure. So youth, untouched by sin, may for a time keep its purity in foul company, but a little later arid they mingle. > ' "That man," said a wag, "came to' this city forty years ago, purchased •* basket, and commenced gathering rags,How much do you suppose he is worth now ?" We gave it up. " Nothing," he 1 continued, after a pause, " and' he owe* for the basket." In an English Sunday school the vicar's daughter, who was very proiid qf;hep Bible-class, inquired of one of herpupUw in a smock-frock how Queen Sheba catfie. to Solomon! He replied, ",By" railway, miss." On asking for an explanation, she. received answer : "Because, miss, the Bible says she came to Jerusalem 'with a very heavy train." - • •- L. H. Oarlysle, a New Orleans actor, was recently engaged by an amateurdramatic association at Kirksville, Mol, to help them bring out "-Richard 'lll,-" Mr Carljlie has now a deep sealp 1 wound, ' seven inches long, inflicted by the maiden sword of Richmond, an untamed amateur ' named Dick Pickler, who "got excited" and "identified himself with the char- v acter." ■ ■ ■ ■ Too Deep for Him.—" What's depc« casion ob dat big smoke dar?" inquired' one coloured man" of 'another- at -'the" market yesterday. " Fire, sah,"- was. the ' answer. " And what's de occasion 6b de 4 fire?" " Oombustshun." "An'd'what'a combustshun ?" "My friend," replied • the other crossing his legs, • " dar's heapaof things in this world that no nigger ever knowed or ever will know, an' we'll change the subject to gooseberries." A 'correspondent of &' neighbouring journal tells of a county clerk in a rural town, who had a pet calf which "he wag • training up in the ways of the ox'j the calf walked around very peaceably under one end of the yoke while Mr Clerk held up the other end, but in an unfortunate moment the man conceived the idea of putting his own neck in the yoke, to let ca'l see how it would seem to work with ' with a partner. This seemed to frighten mister calf, and elevating his tail and his voice he struck a "dead run "-for 'the village, and Mr Clerk went along, with his head down a:.d plug'h'at^in^hand, straining every nerve to keep .up; 1 and crying out at the top of his 1 voice: "Here we come, dang our fool souls, head us, somebody !" . . Man's unhappiness, ■as I construe, comes of his greatness; it is because there is an infinite in him, which .with* all his cunning he cannot quite a buiy under the finite. i Will- the whole -financeministers and upholsterers and' confectioners of moderns-Europe '-undertake; in joint-stock company, tolmake''one'^shoeblack happy 7 They cannot accomplish^ above an hour or two ; ; for the shoeblack 1 also has- a soul quite other' than his 1 stomach. The whim we have of happiness is somewhat thus :' By certain ! valua : tions and averages, of our own striking, we come upon some sort of average'terrestial lot; this we fancy -belongs to us by nature, and of indefeasible right. 'It is simply payment of our wages^ our deserts ; requires neither thanks nor complaint ; only such overplus as' there may be do we account happiness ; any de/icit again is misery. Now, consider that we have the valuation of our own deserts ourselves, and what a fund of selfconceit there is in each of us, do you wonder that the balance should so often dip the wrong way '( — Corlyle. Mark Twain once bought a horse by auction. "In the afternoon," he says, " I brought the creature into the Plaza, ' and certain citizens held him by the head and others by the tail, while I mounted him. As soon as they let go, he placed all his feet in a bunch together,' lowered his back, and then suddenly arched it upward, and shot me ■ straight into the air a matter of 3ft. or 4ft. I came as straight down again, lit in the saddle, went instantly up again, came down almost on the high pommel, shot up again and came down on the horse's neck— all in the space of three or four seconds. Then he rose, and stood almost straight up on bis hind feet ; and I, clasping his lean neck desperately, slid back into the saddle and held on. He came down, and immediately < hoisted his heels in the air, delivering a vicious 'kick at the sky, and stood on his fore feet ; and then down he came once more and began the original exercise of shooting me straight up again. The third time I went up, I heard a stranger say, ' Oh, don't he buck, though !' While I was up, somebody struck the horse a sounding thwack with a leather strap, and when 1 arrived again f the horse' was not there," -