Varieties.

Otago Witness, Issue 1230, 17 July 1875, Page 19

Varieties.

Lady Killers.— Tight stays. A Pair of Tights — Two drunkards. A Mattek of Course. — A horse race. A Work of Art. — A fashionable lady. At twilight eve~y hen becomes a rooster. Sanitary Timber. — The Board of Health. The Way to Kill Time. —Shoot every day. The best way to double a flock of sheep is to fold them.

A Rosebud is like a promissory note— matured by falling dew.

While the sidewalks were covered with ice, every man's boots became slippers. Raffling for chickens can never be honestly conducted. It must always be foul play.

A Thorough Christian. — A baker, who, when his journey man steals the flour, gives him the sack.

If you are cursed with an isatiable appetite, buy a plaid vest, so that you can always keep a check on your stomach.

The Boston Post advises Victoria to make Paul Boynton a Knight of the Bath, as he can't be a Prince of Whales.

British .Gratitude ! — They have perverted the letters of "Moody and Sankey " into " Many sad donkeys-o."

" A Pakthian Shaft."— Cook — " Now, I'm leavin' of yer, mum, I may as well tell yer as the key o' the kitchen door fits your storeroom ! "

Fashionable clergymen have commenced their hacking cough, in anticipation of being sent to Europe this summer for the benefit of their health.— N.Y. Express. At a spelling match in Canada. N. H. f a few eveninus ago, Deacon Ezekiel Land, eighty-three years old, spelled down all the young folks and took the first prize. They build large residences out west. An lowa paper says: "It is only twenty-one years since the first house was erected in Burlington, and now it contains 20,120 inhabitants."

" Is it a sin, my father," said a beile to her confessor, *' to listen to men who say I am handsome?" "Certainly, my child," returned the abbe, "you ought never to encourage untruth. "

"Now let us talk about your business affairs," said a sharp Connecticut girl to a young fellow after he had proposed marriage to her in a long address filled with expressions of passionate love.

This conundrum is respectfully submitted to the best speller: If S-i-o-u-x spells su, and e-y-e spells i, and s ig-h-e-d spells side, why doesn't s-i-o-u x-e-y e-s-i-g-h-e-d spell suicide ?— Worcester Press

That was real wit in the actor who. while playing "Romeo" to Mrs. Mowatt's "Juliet," whispered to her in the tomb scene that they were "putting up umbrellas in the pit to screen themselves from the tears of the gallery."

The boys tricked the girls in a spelling match at Providence. The agreement was that, the words should be selected from the city newspapers of the day of the match, and the boys secured the publication of a scientific article full of unfamiliar terms. "Now, my son," said a Brooklyn father to his three-year-older, "take this castor oil or out you go through the window." " Boo-hoo-hoo," said the little man, after applying the point of the spoon for a moment to his lips. "Me can't take it, papa. Fo' me out de winder ! "

Mrs Jane Swisshelm got disgusted at the Brooklyn kissing, aud wrote an article for the papers warning all ladies against the dangers of osculation. "Kate," in the New York Graphic, replies after this savage fashion : " Mrs Swisshelm's letter is enough for me. I can understand just what a dreadful old person she must be. She wears trowsers, I am told, besides that preposterous garment, the ' ehemiloon.' If I was a man I would no more kiss such a woman than I would kiss a pair of tongs that had been left out over night in a snow bank. Kissing, when done innocently, is as innocent as strawberries and cream, and as nice. If Mrs Swisshelm could only grow young and pretty, and take off her trowsers and dress like a Christian, she would Boon change her mind about kissing. He

letter is the expression of a cross old woman's envious mind, and she ought to be ashamed of herself."

An Eastern writer of fashion gossip aaya that the ladies have all got the neuralgia in their shoulders from wearing Spring clothes, and many new dresses are supplemented across the back by porous plasters, and neaft to a vest-front a mustard poultice is generally most worn. Young ladies alternate between a necklace for street wear and a flannel rag for the house. Diamonds are worn in the ears with much-effect abroad, and a lock of cotton and a little roast onion is the usual adornment at home. Pearl powder is applied to the shoulders for full dress, but camphorated oil and hartshorn liniment are considered very pretty also by the sufferers. Silk stockings, with coloured clockings, are the thingi for low slashed shoes, but pails of hot mustardwater and warm bricks are also much worn on the feet.

The good people of the town of E were talking of moving their meeting-house to a more agreeable locality. Among the advocates of the movement none were more earnest than old Deacon A., who, by the way, has an uncontrollable habit of sleeping in church. No matter how interesting the discourse, the old deacon was sure to drop off about such a time. On the Sabbath preceding the day appointed for moving the house, the pastor preached an interesting sermon on the " The Rock of Ageß." Growing eloquent in his remarks, the minister finally added with great emphasis : ' ' Who can move it ?" The deacon Iwving been a«leep aa usual, woke up just in time to catch the query, and thinking the pastor referred to the meeting house, rose up in his seat and exclaimed : "I'll bring over my yoke of steers, and they'll jerk it along the whole distance, if you'll keep plenty of hard wood rolling under it." The deacon never slept in meetinn after that.

Counting Chickens.— The reason people count their chickens before they are hatched is because it is easier, v r Benson, on Graf* ton-street, found a dead hen back of hia barn. He suspected it was one of his fowls, but he was not certain, and the only way to ascertain, he thought, was to count his flock, which numbered sixteen, He gathered them together with a few flakes of cold pancakes, and commenced counting, "One, two, three — four, five mx seven , One two, three, foui, fiye , 3ix , One, two, three,- four—, five, six, seven, eight, — nine, — ten , eleven— pshaw ! One, two, three, four — lour— four goodness gracious ! One, two three, four . five, six seven seven — seven — seventhunder and lightning r One, two, three . one, two, three, lour, five, six six, seven eight — nine ten, eleven » elev — stand still! 0.,t. two — two— two two — three, four ■ four — four —* four . Oye will, will ye ?ye will, ye will, ye will," he suddenly screamed, choking with passion, and jumping up and down in a perfect ecstacy of rage. Then he drove after a clothes-pole, and bore down on the fright, ened and fleeing hens like a wirlwind, scattering the } ard with feathers, and filling the air with the shrieks of the crazed bipeds ; and never ceased the attack until every hen was out of sight, re don't know yet whether that hen is his.— Danbury News.

Mrs Cobleigh's Hot J'otato. — Mr Cob, leigh had just gone ilown to breakfast. He was standing up to the stove with hia hands clasped behind him, as is his custom, contemplating the attractively-set table. A lar c platter of boiled ham wi-h. fried egga was the central feature, and Mr Cobleigh is very fond of ham and eggs. The family cat was lying under the ta 1 k, purring softly to herself. It was a strougly-marked domestio scene, and Mr Cobleigh felt his eyes moisten a 9 he surveyed it. Mrs Coi.leiuh was taking up the potatoes. She had the last one pierced with the fork, and was about to deposit it with the rest, when she espied the upturned palm of her husband's Imud. What possessed her she cannot. tel, but she dropped the steaming vegetable straight into his uncon. Bcious hand. He didn't ask her what she was doing ; he didn't even look around ; he simply emitted an awlul scream, and sprung madly into the air. ' On the descent he struck the table with his knees with such force as to completely overturn it, and, with the contents, he went to the floor with an awful crash. Five dollars worth of crockery was smashed, and a carpet, coat, and a pair of pants were ruined by ham-gravy and butter. It is probable Mr Cobleigh would have fainted dead away from the effect of the shock, had not the cat, across whose erect back he fell, as she was darting away from the awful calamity, turned round and fastened both claws and teeth into his thigh with deadly ferocity. That revived him. The house is now shut up. Mrs Cobleigh is visiting her mother in Brookfield, and Mr Cobleigh has taken a jaunt to Boston on business. We understand she thinks Mr Cobleigh is to blame in the matter, ior. !>he property reasons had he not jumped so like an all fired fool) there would have been no damage done.— Danbury News.

An Amusing Parodt has been published in the New York Graphic. The following is the summing up : — " Mrs. Mmse. — This is the typical mother-in-law with the terrible tongue and flexible jaw, the eagle eye and avenging claw, who told all that she heard and saw, who indulged in various comments aloud, and made it sultry for all the crowd— for the Mutual Friend who dared to refuse to let her get at his budget of news ; for the priest who caught in what he had done, said ' Mother' I wish you would call me son ;' for her desolate daughter all forlorn who jilted T. T (Tattered and Torn) ; who coaxed the cow with the frisky heel that kicked till the dog was ausgespiel that worried the cat that hunted the mouse that hid in the meal that lay in the house that Bowen built. The Graphic— This is the cock that will crow in the morn when Justice blows her delinquent horn, commanding all to acknowledge the corn ; for the mother-in-law with the lingual thorn ; for the Mutual Friend with his lofty scorn, for that Slice of the Day of Judgment born to comfort and scare and guide and warn ; for Bessie, who, as she has sworn, by Marmaduke from her bed was torn, and into his screaming anil sleeping borne ; for the social priest all shaven and shorn who kissed the maiden all foilorn, who jilted the man all worried and worn who soothed the cow with the liml.er heel that kicked till the dog was ausyespirt that worried the cat that hunted the mouse that hid in the meal that lav in tha house that Bowen built."