Varieties.

Otago Witness, Issue 1205, 2 January 1875, Page 21

Varieties.

InoN Ore (Oak)— A screw propeller. Red Rose (Rows)— A regiment of soldiers. Chicanery— To palm oft an old hen as fricaseed chicken. The Paper Containing Many Fine Points — A paper of needles. What Medicine Does a Man take when he has a Cuoss Wife ? — Elixer. An Old Song for New Savants. — " Oh, dear ! what can this ' matter ' be ?" Doct >rs never allow thicks on their premises, they make such personal remarks. "Give i he Devil his due, Pat, and where would you be ? " " Alone, your honour." With many women going to church is little better than looking into a bonnet shop. A Snuff- taker's Toast. — " He that is not a friend at a pinch is not worth a snuff." Why should Samson have made an Excellent Actor ? Because he could so easily bring down the house. "Boy, you are not far from a fool." ' ' Well, as we ain't more than three feet ( apart, I give in to that," was the reply. |

An auctioneer onceadvertisedalotof chairs, which, he said, had been "used by schoolchildren without backs."

" John, I wish it was as much the custom to sell wives as it is to sell horses." •' Why so, Peter ? " " I'd cheat somebody shockingly before night." The S-Sektials. — The essentials of a watering place may be literally summed up thus : — Sea, salt, sun, sand, shrimps, shells, steamers, ships, and sailors.

Having been fined for adulterating bread with alum, a Scotch baker has acquired from his neighbours the appellation of M'Alum More.

An orator who had raised his audience to a great height by his lofty searings, exclaimed, " I will now close in the beautiful language of the poet — I forgot his name— and— and — I forget what he said too."

A Linguist. — They have a nice divinity student at a college in one of the Western States. He preaches in English, prays in Armenian, sings in Turkish, and holds his tongue in eleven other languages.

A stranger, seated at the table of his pious host, commenced eating, when his host, checking him, said, "We say something before taking food." To which the stranger replied, " Talk on, you can't turn my stomach now."

An inveterate toper, when receiving a lecture from his wife on the subject of his convivial habits, savagely reminded her that woman brought more sin into the world by her eating than ever man had done by his drinking.

" Doctor," said a thick-headed youth to Professor Agassiz, "you once said that fish is the proper food for men who have brain work to perform. How much ought Ito eat to tone me up properly ? " " About two whales," was the reply. A Gentleman met a half-witted lad in the road, and placing in one of his hands a sixpence and a penny, asked him which of the two he would choose. The lad replied that "he wouldn't be greedy, he'd keep the littlest."

An Idaho schoolmarm has introduced a new feature in her school. When one of the girls misses a word the boy who spells it gets permission to kiss her. As a result, the girls are fast becoming poor spellers, while the boys are improving.

Why are Women like Churches ?—? — Firstly, because there is no living without one ; secondly, because there is manya(s)pire to them j thirdly, because they ate objects of adoration ; and lastly, but by no means the least, because they have a loud clapper in their upper storey.

Opie was once engaged to paint the portrait of an old beau of fashion, who, whenever he thought the painter was touching the mouth, screwed it up in a most ridiculous manner. Opie, who was a blunt man, said very quietly, " Sir, if you wish the mouth left out, I will omit it with pleasure."

Sea-side Etiquette fok Ladies. — Always carry a volume of poetry when walking on the beach, and look as sentimental as pos. sible when a "nice young man " is approaching. If the back hair is let down, the effect is more striking. Tennyson's or Browning's poems are to be preferred, as most people known as little of them as you do.

One eveninglately a lecturer on Spiritualism observed a lady in deep mourning leaving the hall. He addressed her from the platform, and asked her to wait a few moments, as the. spirit of her husband wished to communicate with her. " I know it," she replied, "for he is now at the door waiting to escort me home. " The lecturer adjourned early, and left the town the next day." Bereavement. — " Oh no, dear Charles," said a Baltimore widow to her cousin, on their return from the obsequies of the lamented, "nothink— no, nothink can e'er assuage my grief. But, for my friends' sake, I must live on ; and if you could order half a dozen of those nice soft-shell crabs, and a porterhouse beef-steak (rare) from around the corner, I will try to be unselfish for love'g sake."

" Who Made You ? " said a teacher to a boy ten years old, who was sent to school for the first time. The boy could not answer, but scratched his head and seemed to ponder earnestly. The teacher told him, and desired him to remember it. Sometime after the teacher repeated the question. The boy rubbed his head in great agony, and at length answered, "I forget the gentleman's name."

Severe Retort. — Some years ago, as the Rev. Dr. Pringle, of Perth, was walking one summer afternoon upon the Inch, two young beaux took it into their heads to break a jest upon the old parson. Walking briskly up to him, they asked him if he could tell the colour of the devil's wig ? The worthy clergyman, surveying them attentively for a few seconds, made the following reply — "Truly, here is a most surprising case— two men have served a master all the days of their life, and can't tell the colour of his wig !"

This is a strange story, not to be used in Sunday school : An Albany man, out c>£ work and nearly starving 1 , turned for comfort in his extremity to his sainted mother's Bible, for the first time since her death in 1867. To his surprise and delight, he found a 10 dol. bill between the leaves, and immediately fell on his knees, for the first time since 1840. With a light heart and glittering eye he prayerfully started for the baker's to obtain a loaf of bread. There he found that the bill was counterfeit, when he swore bitterly, for the first time in three hours.

Anecdote of Bunyan. — To pass away the gloomy hours in prison, Bunyan took a rail out of the stool belonging to the cell, and with his knife fashioned it into a flute. The keeper, hearing music, followed the sound to Bunvan's cell ; but, while he was unlocking the door, the prisoner placed the rail in the the stool, so that the searchers were unable to solve the myßtery ; nor during the remainder of Bunyan's residence in the gaol did they ever discover how the music was produced. In an old uceount of Bedford there is an equally good anecdote, to the effect that a Quaker called upon Bunyan in gaol one day with what he professed to be a message from the Lord. "After searching for thee," said he. "in half the gaols of England, lam glad to have found thee at last." "If the Lord had sent thee," said Bunyan,* sarcastically, " you would not have needed to take so much trouble to find me out, for he knows I have been in Bedford gaol these seven years past."