Varieties.

Otago Witness, Issue 1197, 7 November 1874, Page 21

Varieties.

Foul Water.— A duck-pond. City Intklligence. — Language on the Stock Exchange is generally "figurative." Ax Animal Possessed op a Splendid Ear but a very Poor Voice. — A donkey. A Child of the Sea.— A harbour buoy. The Best Thing to Take Before Singing. —Breath. Fashionable Item. — Blnck silk dresses with holes in the elbow are said to be much worn. It is more difficult to frame an excuse than, an oil painting, though they are both works of the imagination. Con. — Why are our naval training ships lifce pine trees ? — Because they furnish stuff that the tar is made of. Strange, if True. — An accident of a most unusual character recently happened to a commentator on Shaksphere — he stuck to the text. A Saratoga belle, who six months ago was so languid that she coul'l scarcely support herself at the alter, now throws a flat-iron fiftyfive feet, and hits her husband every time. A Farmer sent an order to a London tradesman for a clock. He said he should prefer one made by Tempus Fugit, as all the best clocks in his neighbourhood had that name on the face. An enterprising reporter in Arkansas, who was lately sentenced to the State prison for horse-stealing, applied to his employers "to be continued on the Journal as penitentary correspondent." Sut George Hose, on being introduced one day to two charming young ladies whose names were Mary and Louisa, instantly added, with a bow, " Ah, yes ! Marie-Louisa, — the sweetest pear I know." A gentleman met a half-witted lad in the road, and, placing in one of his hands a sixpence and a penny, asked him which of them he would choose. The lad replied that "he wouldn't be greedy ; he'd keep the littlest." " Define the difference between experimental philosophy and natural philosophy," said the schoolmaster to one of his pupils. "Experimental philosophy," replied the boy, "is asking you to give us a half-holiday ; and natural philosophy is your saying, ' Don't you wish you may get it V " When Lord Palrnerston was asked to support the bill for legalising marriage with a deceased wife's sister, he said that the only advantage of the change of law would be that the man who married twice under such circumstances would not have two mothers-in-law. Afflicted with the " last infirmity of noble minds," a Paisley printer forsook his trade to share in the glories of Nelson. Soon after he was afloat, he was, one black, stormy night, ordered aloft. The poor fellow, instead of at once throwing himself into the shrouds, looked up in wild dismay at the officer, and exclaimed, " Od man, it wad be a temptin 1 o' Providence to gang up there on sica nicht ! " I An affecting sight— barrels in tier*,

" Which of the Fiji Islands are you from ?" asked a visitor of one of Barnum's cannibals the other day. " Tipperary, bedad J" was the reply of the ravenous anthropophagist, Jules Janin is reported to have said, a few days before his death, as he lay on his sofa in his diningroom, " I suppose I am celebrated ; I am a great writer ; I am a member of the Academy ; I would renounce all the glory to walk — to walk around this room without assistance ! " Western Temperance. — A California temperance association limits the beverages of its members to wine, beer, and cider, " except when labouring under a sense of discouragement, and then whiskey shall be allowed." They are said to be the most discouraged temperance people in the State. Transatlantic Reporting. — The " personal " announcements in Western papers combine conciseness with a pleasant vagueness ; as, for example, v Nevada journal says, "There uns no legular trial in the case of John Flanders yesterday. He had an interview in the woods with a few friends, however, and it is perfectly certain that John will never burgle uny more." Largh-Heartedneks. — A worthy farmer was greatly exercised last 3 ear with regard to the safety of the hay crop. The weather, though often threatening, favoured his efforts till he had succeeded in getting it safely gathered in, being in this respect more fortunate than several ot his neighbours. After seeing the last wii-p of straw round Ins stacks, lie exclaimed, with a self.satisfied air, "Noo, sin' I ha'e gotten my hay a' safe in, I think the warld would be greatly the better of a quid shower." A country lass was driving a donkey to a fair in Renfrewshire one fine summer morning. The donkey was a laggard, and waa more intent on cropping the roadside herbage than on "going to the fair ;" but the girl did not put herself about. Pleasant thoughts of her sweetheart were passing through her mind, and she sang gaily to herself. An Irish labourer overtook her, and as he passed, he said, "My darling, you're as lively this morning as if you had been newly kissed." The happy girl at once answered, "If ye think, Pat, that a kiss maks ane lively, I wish ye wad kiss my cuddy, for he's unco stiff this morning 1" Death before Dishonour —The life of an editor is not always strewn wi h roses and free passes ; but it clous our heart good to learn every now and then that the craft is worthy of the great name, and that heroism is not yet dead in its ranks. In Kentucky, whtn a young man gets in love deep enough to speak his sentiments in rhyme which he is sure is poetry, and which he wishes to see in print, he loads his shot-gun, and starts for the editor of a country paper. If the editor refuses to publish his " pome," the irate child of genius unloads his gun under the editor's ear, or in some other portion of his anatomy. To the honour of the craft, be it said, a great many often prefer deatli to dishonour. Hope in the Female Breast.— At a recent trial, an Aberdeen young lady got into the witness-box to be examined, when the following conversation took place between her and the opposing counsel j— Counsel j " How old are you ?" Miss Jane : " Oh, weel, sir, I am an unmarried woman, and dinnu think it right to answer that quest ion." The Judge : " Oh, yes, answer the jiuntluman how old you are." Miss Jane: '' Weel-a weel, I am fifty." Counsel : " Are you no more ?" Miss Jane : " Weel, lam sixty." The in. quisitive lawyer still further asked if uhe had any hopes of getting married, to which Miss Jane replied, " Weel, sir, I winna tell a lee j I hinna lost hope yet ; " scornfully adding, " but I widna marry you, for lam sick and tired 0' your palaver already." The following story is told by the musical critic of the London Fiuaro : "A rather funny incident in connection with the Handel Festival will perhaps cause some amusement. By some foolish arrangement the Press were supplied with tickets, on one voucher of which a demand was made that the name of the musical critic should be signed, possibly with a view to future actions for libel. As I re. garded this as a foolish inf ruction of the everrecognised anonymity of the Press, I resolved to practise upon the Crystal Palace authorities a harmless practical joke. Accordingly I filled in the blank left for signature with the name'Geo. Fred. Handel.' The venerable old gentleman who collected the tickets took this particular voucher in his hand, looked at me, and then at the ticket, with an expression of face which said, • Blowed if I didn't think he was dead years ago 1 ' and opening the door with an extraordinarily low bow, paid proper homage to the great man who thus honoured the Festival held to his memory with his august presence." During one of the earlier visits of the Royal Family to Balmoral, Prince Albert, dressed in a very simple manner, was crossing one of the Scotch lakes in a steamer, and whs curious to note everything relating to the management of the -v essel, and among nmnv other things the cooking. Approaching the " galley " where a brawny Highlander was attending to the culinary matteis, ho was attracted by the savoury odours of a compound known by Scotchmen as "hodge-podau," which the Highlander was preparing. " Whnt is that ?" asked the Prince, who was notknow 11 to the cook. "Hodge-podge, sir," was the reply. " How is it made ?"' was the next question. " Why, there's mutton intil't, and turnips intil't, and carrots intil't, and " "Yes, yes," said the Prince, who had not learnt that " intil't " meant " in it, ' expressed by the contraction "intil t ; " " but what is ' intil't ' ? " " Why, there's mutton intil't, and turnips intil't, and carrots intiPr, and " "Yes, I see; but what is 'intil't'?" The man looked at him, and, seeing that the Prince was serious, he replied. " There's mutton intil't, and turnips intil't, and — -" " Yes, certainly, I know," urged the inquirer ; "but what is ' intil't ' — 'intil't' ?" " Why," yelled the Highlander, brandishing his big spoon, "am Ina tellin' ye what's intil't ? There's mutton intil't, and " Here the interview was brought to a close by one of the Prince's suite, who, fortunately passing, stepped in to explain matters to the Highlander, who opened his mouth with stupid wonder at the possibility that a wise man like himself should not at once have known that it was the Prince. Her hand was first to reach and drag The bottle from the shelf — " It is your curse, dear John," she said, And drank it up herself.