Varities.

Otago Witness, Issue 1177, 20 June 1874, Page 7

Varities.

A Ckntrts Ornament. — Your nose. Power of Evil.— A power of attorney. A Bad Lute Prksbhvbk. -A floating debt. WIIKV IS IT RIGHT TO TAKE ANY ONE IN ?—? — When it rains.

What is that which has eyes, yet never sees ? — A potato.

Female Knights ov Malt-a. — The Temperance Crusaders.

What is that which sings, yet has no voice ? — A kettle.

Summing- Up Spiritualistic Seances. — Medium. Tedium.

Qubky. — Is a "quack" doctor supposed to prescribe for ducks ?

What portions of the body are the best travellers ? — The two wrists.

How to Turn People's Heads. — Come into a concert late with creaky boots. The two colours which are indiscernible are invisible preen and blind-man's buff.

Marriage is described by a French cynic as a tiresome book with a very fine preface.

Other Times, Other Habits.— Dies are engraved now ; in Caesar's time the die was cast.

A man named Vowel was murdered in cold blood in Tennesse lasc week. Glad it was neither U nor I. p " I (jamb off with flying colours," as the aainter said when he fell from a ladder with palette on his thumb.

A lkauned Aberdeen naturalist gave the answer that the unicorn is called tiie unicorn because of his unique horn.

Tiik light of a match will frighten a wolf away, ifc is said. But love matches don't always keep the wolf from the door.

Scholastic. — Pompous School Examiner : " How is the earth divided, my lad ?" Intelligent Lad : " By earthquakes, sir."

Real Ecoxour. — A North Countryman, on being told thnt a certain kind of stove would save half the coal, said, " Then I'll take two of them, and save it all."

Caution. — Host—" Just another wee drap 'fore you go?" Gnest — 'Na, na. all tak' nae mair ! I'm in a new lodgin', and I'm no vera weel acquainted wi' the stair !"

An Indian paper thus politely expresses an opinion of a judge :—": — " He knows just about as much of law as a mule does of mineralogy — the chances being in favour of the mule."

" Who made you ?" was asked of a small idrl. She replied, " God made me that length" (indicating with her hands the size of a new-born infant), " and I growed the rest myself." " One might have heard a pin fall" is a proverbial expression of silence, but it lias been eclipsed by the French phrase, "You might have heard the unfolding of a lady's cambric handkerchief."

A Modekn philosopher thinks it a mistake to suppose women have stronger attachments than men. A man is often attached to an old hat ; " but," he asks, " who ever heard of a woman being attached to an old bonnet ? "|

Tkaohkr to little boy : " Well, my boy, do you know your tables ?" Pupil : *' Yes, ma'am. Breakfast table, dinner table, and supper table." The boy goes to the head of the holiday class.

The more the merrier is an axio'ii that is asrreed to as clever, yet the suspicion that Othello entertained of Desdemona's faithlessness to him did not make the Moor the merrier.

Con. — Why are present fashions calculated to injure the temper of ladies ? — Because, no matter how amiable n lady's disposition may be naturally, she is required to be ruffled whenever she appears in society.

A WESTisuN paper has this delicate personal item :—": — " Those who know nice old Mr. Wilson, of this place, personally, will reffret to hear that he was assaulted in a brutal manntr last week, but was not killed,"

An unsophisticated young lady from tho country, who called at the office of a New York duily medical journal for the papers •' for a week back, " wns presented with a pprou» plaster by iha smiling attendant,

The Tiirbk Tabijes.— A traveller recently stopped at a wayside inn in France, where they sold two sorts of wine, called " first table '" and •' common table." "I tried them both," writes the traveller, "and found them lamen-table. "

Erie, Pennsylvania, is one of the liveliest towns in Western Pennsylvania, and is a great railroad centre. Last month the freight receipts at this point were two boxes of sardines and a bag of oats, but this month it will be nearly double that. "Prevention"," said a sanitary reformer, "is better than cure." The medical man to whom this observation was addressed smiled, and replied, " That may be very true in theory, but the reverse is what we always find to be the case in practice." Time!— " What time is it, my dear?" asked a wife of her husband, whom she suspected of being slightly " elevated," but who was doing his best to look sober. "Well, my darling, I can't tell, 'cause, you see, there are two hands on my watch, and each points to a different figure, and I don't know which to believe. "

Sir Fletcher Norton, who was somewhat ill-mannered, when pleading before Lord Mansfield on some question of manorial rights, chanced unfortunately to say, "My Lord, I can illustrate the point by an instance in my own person ; I myself have two little manors." The judge immediately interposed, ■with one of his blandest smiles, "We all know it, Sir Fletcher."

In a Policb-court. — Solicitor (to witness) : "What do you deal in ?" Witness : "Anything from a needle to an anchor. " Solicitor : " Did 3 r ou ever buy onion seed and pianoforte wires ? " Witness ; " Yes : and I would buy second-hand attorneys it' I could get them cheap, with the prospect of an early sale." "Joseph, where is Africa?" "On the map, sir." " I mean, Joseph, on what continent ? " " Well, the land of Africa is in the eastern continent ; but the people, sir, are alt of 'em down South." " How do African people live ?" ''By drawing." "Drawing •what — water?" "No, sir, by drawing their breath." " Sit down. .Joseph. Thomas, what is the equator ? " " Why, sir, it's a horizontal pole running perpendicularly through the imagination of astronomers and old geographers." "Go to your seat, Thomas. William Stiggs, what do you mean by an eclipse ? " "An old racehorse, sir." "Silence. Next. Jack, what is an eclipse ? " "An eclipse is a thing that appears when the moon is out on the spree, and runs against the sun, consequently the sun blacks the moon's face." Class is dismissed.

Lord Denman to his Wife.— On October 18th, 1850, tlie forty-sixth anniversary of his wedding-day, he wrote with his own hand the following verses to his wife^which have been preserved by the pious care of his daughter, Lady Baynes, to whom he gave them after her mother's death. They possess a simple and touching pathos which will probably speak to the hearts of all :—: — " Kul l six und-forty years have flown Since fit at I claimed jou for mv own ; You trusted then your youthful charms To an adoring- husband's arms. Weil s>aw he with those chnrms combined The upright, generou-s, feeling mind ; The noblo nature's inliorn grace, The soul c'en lovelier th.in the face. Well did you keep Affection's vow, Precious when made, far dearer now. In that lonic maze ot varied years, <M joys aivf! borrows, hopes and fear*. Though oft a cloud perplexed the view, Love never failed to guide us through Downward we jjnee, but hand in handHope tells us of that happy land Where tumults, pain, and sorrow ccsitse, That land of harmony and peace--A hoiibu not made with hands, endeared By all we cherished or revered; The used who sunk in ripe decay, The buds in childhood plucked away, The future Inn cv to receive The dear ones wo on earth must leaveWhere Friendship rears a hallowed shrine, And Love is endless and divine."