varieties.

Otago Witness, Issue 1162, 7 March 1874, Page 26

varieties.

Long Division. — A Divorce. A Natural Riumsatbr. — An echo. A Bad Policy.— One that has run out. The Best Substitute for Sii/vkr. — Gold. Tub Most Uskful Thing in the Long Ruk. — Breath. The Bump or Destructjvenes'.— A railway collision. One of the latest American beverages is called " Bottled Bliss."

Patrons of Husbandry.— Mothers with marriageable daughters In what ense is it absolutely impossible to be slow and sure ? In the case of a watch.

A BisAii dismissed by a belle, and nn arrow dismissed by a bow, are apt to start off in a hurry. A Farmer's club is organising in New York composed exclusively of persons who arc sowing their wild oats. A Nkav Dki'inition.— A veil is a lady's protection from the too earnest gaze of the sun of heaven and the sons of men. One profession is safe from the invasion of woman. She may enter the army, but it is impossible that she can man the navy. " TIIM CaKDINAL OP TUB SIiAS" AGAIN. — A young lady was asked if she liked lobsters. '•' Oh, yes," she replied—" especially the rod ones ! " A siiA.ni' child tied crape on the door-knob, to see if the carriages would come to take them out riding, as they did the family across the street. Tub honour of knighthood having been conferred upon a silversmith, a wit suggested that "it was because of his brilliant and valuable services." A man ninety-one years old has just been elected president of a Providence bank. The dea is this : should he steal anything he is too feeble to get nway with it. Why is a thief your only true philosopher ? —Because he regards everything from an ab atract point of view, is opposed to all notions of protection, and is open to conviction. A Con' Mast. — What a contrast there sometimes is between the adjective and its adverb I For example, read, The ono who is contant in love, and the one who is constantly in love. Rupees represent wealth in India, nncl dollars represent wealth in America. Yet a man in India is envied if he has a lac of rupee?, and pitied in America jf be lias alack q£ dyllura,

Knowledge is Power. — "What an idiot I was," cried a housemaid who had just taken a new place, "not to learn to read when I was a gal ! Why, master and missus leave all their letters about 1 "

A Student at a veterinary college being asked, "If a broken-winded horse were brought to you for treatment, what -would you advise ?" promptly replied, " To sell him as soon as possible."

" Sarah," said a young man the other day, " why don't you wear ear-rings ?" " Because I haven't had my ears pierced." "I will bore them for you." — "Thank you, — you have done that enough."

Somebody advertises for agents to sell a work entitled "Hymeneal Instructor." A contemporary adds, "the best hymeneal instructor we know of is a young widow. Whatshedon't know there is no use in learning." An aristocratic New Yorker, on being requested by a rich and vulgar young fellow for permission to marry " one of his girls,' gave this rather crushing reply :—": — " Certainly ; which would you prefer, the housemaid or the cook ?"

It is told of one of the " supernumeraries," who removed chairs from the stage with great effect, tliat, on the death of Macready being announced to him, he exclaimed with dramatic gesture," " Great hivins, another one of us gone !"

Sweet Emeline to her love, who is enjo.T - ing a nice sail — " Do you feel sea-sick, Hichard, dear ? " Richard (with wonderful bravery)— -" No, no. Umph ! I think the shrimps I hnd for breakfast this morning must have been alive."

A ■\vir,r- is registered in "Wnynosburgr, Pcnnsylvanin, which contains the following rcmnrknl Ie clause : " I also give to my heloved wife one red cow, one three-year old colt, and the remainder of the kitchen and household furniture."

An American paper says in one of its issues : — "On Monday, April 10, five hundred biirrels of Cincinnati whisky were landed on the levee in Louisville. On Wednesday, the 12th, the Liuisvilie Courier- Journal appeared without aiine of editorial.

Sydsev Smith told Kobert Chambers that his countrymen the Scotch were an immensely funny people ; bub they needed a little operating upon to let the fun out. " I know no instrument," lie added, " so effectual for the purpose as a corkscrew. "

The First Shot. — Little Alice was crying bitterly, and, on being questioned, confessed to having received a slap from one of her playfellows. " You should have returned it," said the mother. " Oh, I returned it before," replied the little girl, proudly.

"Circumstances Alter Cases." — Bunting was using his telescope on the delightful new pier at Haroldstown. Briggs came up to him and said, " What's that ?" Bunting, surprised : " Why, a telescope, of course !" Whereupon Briggs rejoined, " I should call it a pier glass."

An old Dutch tavern-keeper had his third wife, and being nsked his views of matrimony replied : Veil, den, you see de first time I marries for love — (let vash goot ; den I marries for peauty — dat vash goot too, about ns goot as the first ; but dis time I marries for money — and dis is petter as both 1 A Gentle Hint. — A youth and maiden were walking beneath the hlue canopy of the firmament, which was " fretted with golden fires," and the maiden moved by the sublimity of the scene, pointed with her finger — the one on which the engagement ring is worn — toward the zenith, nnd exclaimed, " Oh, Adolphus, isn't jewellery beautiful ?"

Only a Leg Ovkr. — A countryman had forty shillings awarded to him 'for being butted over a fence by his neighbour's bull. The smallness of the sum is due to the plaintiff's avowal that he was trying to get over the fence as quickly as possible, so that the bull only helped him in carrying out an intention conceived of his own free will.

" I saw," says a reporter, a clog bite a man in the leg at the market. The man laughed, and the dog bit, nwl it was a queer sight to look at, for the harder the clog bit the louder the man laughed, until the dog fainted away from exhaustion. It was the best sell on a dog that I have met with in this section. The man had a cork leg, and the dog left his teeth sticking in it." "Will the horse draw well ?" — " Thee will be pleased to see him draw." The bargain was concluded, and the farmer tried the horse, but he would not stir a step. He returned, and said ; " That horse will not draw an inch." — "I did not tell thee it would draw, friend ; I only remarked that it would please thee to see him draw ; so it would me, hut he would never gratify me in that respect."

New York pick-pockets complnin, throuph the press, that they are denied proper oppor. tunitics for developing their .virtuous traits. Accordingly, they ask that people who travel in street cars carry their name and address in their pocket-bookf* Thus many little articles, such* as Confederate notes, hair tweezers, dinner-pills, toothpicks, &c, for which the light-fingered gentry have no use, may be returned along with the portmonnaics and such dismantled ' | eather. "

Thbre was a rule among the Scotch judges, and the senior members of the bar on circuit, that they only should drink claret | the juniors were restricted to sherry and port, AC Ayr, Brougham sat as a junior, just under the salt. The daret came down to him, and should have crossed the table without paying tribute ; but, each time it enme, Brougham filled his glass. "Do you see," said the president, "that impudent fellow, Brougham, helping himself to claret ? If he tries it again, I'll speak to him." Round came the claret, and Brougham took a bum per. "Maistcr Brougham," said his lord* ship, " that's clafot," " I know it is, my lord, and excellent claret t<?y ( ''