Varieties.

Otago Witness, Issue 1159, 14 February 1874, Page 22

Varieties.

Giving a Man the Double.— -Presenting him with twins. An Ojwect ov Interest. — Your deposit in a savings-bank. If a woman were to change her sex she would be a he-then. When is a parson not a parson ? — When he is a lame 'un (layman). QtTBRT. — Are underwriters supposed to follow their business below ground. What requires more philosophy than taking things as they come ? Parting with things as they go. Shakespeare would never have asked 11 What's in an aim ?" if he had been hit on the head with a brick. This Happiest Pair. — Eve was the only woman who never threatened to go and live with mamma. And Adam was the only man who never tantalized his wife about " the way mother used to cook. " A Carpenter, being asked for a riddle, propounded the following : — " I picked it up ; I couldn't find it ; I put it down and went along with it." No one could guess it. It wpi a splinter in his foot. An Irish housemaid, who was sent to call a gentleman to dinner, found him engaged in using a tooth-brush. " Well, is he coming ?" asked the lady. " Yes, ma'am, directly ; he is sharpening his teeth." Another Brute. — "My dear," said a husband to his affectionate better half, after a, matrimonial squabble, "you will never be permitted to go to heaven !"— " Why not?" " Because you will be wanted as a torment down below !"

Makers of fishing tackle complain of the scarcity of feathers for the manufacture of artificial flies. One of them says that all the feathers have flown to the heads of women, who are little better than artificial flies themselves, with the hooks very well concealed. Something to -Shoot. —" I say, boy, is there anything to shoot round here ?" inquired a sportsman of a boy he met.—" Well," replied the boy, " nothing just about here ; but our schoolmaster is just over the hill cutting birch rods ; you migbt walk up and pop him over." That Lancarhibb Lad Agaiw.— The other day a town crier not far from Manchester took in charge a lost child, and proceeded to hunt up his parents. On being asked by a lady what the matter wae, he replied, " Here's An orphan child, madam, and I'm trying to Had iti parents." What's yeh Name ? — An Irishman, who wa« itanding on London-bridge, said to a youth: "Faith, and I think Iknowyeeßi wUat'o yer name ?"—" Jones," said the boy. —** Jones, JTonea," said the Irishman ; "and 1 kneir •eveateeu ould maids by that name jn Dublin { wae *W»r ot them yor wither ?"

Petting and blowing are often considered as synonymous terms. You will discover a difference, however, if, instead of puffing a man up, you should blow him up. Sospicious. — A rustic drank his first glass of soda-water very solemnly the other day, and then, eyeing the waiter inquiringly, anxiously remarked, " It's all right, I s'pose ?" — " Why, yes," said the waiter, hesitatingly ; « but what do you mean ?"— " Why, the thing won't go off in a fellow, will it ?" A High-school girl, just graduated, said, in her essay : "Let us avoid the frivolities of life and pursue the noblest ends only." The next day she was moved to tears in an agonizing attempt to decide the proper shade of blue for her complexion.

At Brighton, a fascinating young lady on being asked recently, as she returned from the circulating library with the last new novel, if she had ever read Shakspere, tossed her pretty head and answered, "Shakspere ? Of course I have ; I read it when it first came out."

Old Patiewts. — Curran being at a party at the seat of an Irish nobleman, one of the company, who was a physician, strolled out before dinner into the church-yard. Dinner being served up, and the doctor not returned, some of the company were expressing their surprise where he could be gone to. " Oh," says Curran, "he has just stepped out to pay a visit to some of his old patients."

The Truth at the Altar. — A story is told of a father in a church who, when the marriage service came to the point where the clergyman asks, " Who giveth this woman to be married to this man ?" replied, " Well, sir, I am called to do it, although it do go agin the grain. I wanted her to marry Bill Plowser, who is worth twice the money o ; that 'ere man." The answer was not considered regular.

Stretch It a Little. — A little girl and her younger brother were on their way to the store one windy, frosty morning. They were both poorly dressed, but the little girl had a sort of cloak over her. As they walked briskly along, she drew the boy closer to her and said : " Come under my cloak, Johnny." "It isn't big enough for both," replied he. " Then I will stretch it a little." And they were soon closely nestled together. What a lesson ! How many shivering bodies and sad hearts there are just because people do not stretch their comforbs beyond themselves !

In connection with the meeting of the French Association for the Advancement of Science, at Lyons, the story is told of a wellknown Geneva professor, that, on the occasion of one of the expeditions of the Association into the country, they were thrown upon the resources of a second-rate cafe for refreshment. The professor demanded of the gargon if they had any chicory, " Yes," and a supply was brought. "Have you any more ?" " Certainly," and some more made its appearance. "Is this all?" "Yes, monsieur; that is all our supply." "Now will you make us some coffee ?"

Which is it ?— Mr. Justice Mellor is assailing the wisdom of our ancestors, as embodied in proverbs, in a very re Idess manner. A good-humoured witness in a nisi prius case told a jury_ the other day tnat he was " as sober as a"— judge, he was going to say, but stopped short and begged pardon. The ijudpee. instead of accepting the compliment contained in the proverb which, considering its age, is really a high one, said it might as well be varied into " as sober as a bishop." Why not suggest at once "as sober as a lord," and so reverse the old saying once for all by a formal judicial decision ? It is in our day no more true than the corresponding one, which was always false — " as drunk as a beast."

In a Scotch country parish, not long ago, there lived a church officer who had filled that office and that of gravedigger for the long space of fifty years. Suspicions had long been entertained that he was in the habit of helping himself out of the collection plate whenever opportunity permitted. It was difficult of course to prove this. At last, however, the sum of one pound was abstracted from a missionary box which stood in the vestry, and everything combined to point out this man as the culprit. The elders told the minister that something must really be done. The minister said, " Leave him to me, and I'll see what can be done." The following Sabbath, after the forenoon service, the minister was taking off his gown and bands ; and being alone in the vestry with the suspected man, he thought the opportunity was too good to be lost, so he said, " Andrew, have you heard of the money that is amissing from the box?" "O, ay," said Andrew, " I was hearing something aboot it." "Andrew," continued the other, very gravely, " the matter lies between you and me, We are the only two who have access to the box. Either you or I must be the thief." " 'Deed, sir," rejoined the imperturbable Andrew, " it's just as you say ; we're the only twa that has had access to the box, and I think the beet way'll be for you to pay the tae half and I pay the tither, and say nae mair aboot it."

"Berkeley, Sept. 1869. — Gentlemen, I feel it a duty I owe to you to express my gratitude for the great benefit I have derived by taking 'Norton's Camomile Pills.' I applied to your agent, Mr Bell, Berkeley, for the above-named PilU, for wind in the stomach, from which I suffered excruciating pain for a length of time, having tried nearly every remedy prescribed, but without deriving any benoht at all. After taking two bottles of your valuable Pills, I was quite restored to my usual state of health. Please give this publicity, for the benefit of those who may oe thus afflicted. I «n, Sir, yours truly, Henry Allpass.— To tbe Prop^etors