Varieties.

Otago Witness, Issue 1158, 7 February 1874, Page 22

Varieties.

Gutlt Frames. — Prison Windows. True to the Cork. — A good apple. Nature's Tailoring. — A potato patch. A Fast Friend. — The electric telegraph. Leading Article.— A blind man's poodle. A Tour dhFokce. — A policeman's rounds. The Teetotaler's Grog.— Animal spirits and water. A well-dressed dog wears a collar and pants in the sunshine. , ,„ . 4 The surest way to lose your health is to keep drinking other people's. What fruit does a newly-married couple most resemble ?— A green pair. The man who comes on the stage exactly at his cue is prompt ; but the man who does not come on at all is prompter. A Dandy is a chap who would be a lady if he could ; but, as he can't, does all he can to chow the world he's not a man. The excuse of a young lady to her minister, who causht her napping, was, " Don't you think ladies had better be fast asleep than fast awake." A man who rode in the same railway carriage with a bridal couple fifty miles heard her call him, "dear Charles" just five hundred and eighteen times. Josh Billings divided the human race into three classes : Those who think ie is so, those who think it isn't so, and those who don't care whether it is so or not. A Gfntleman, reading a newspaper, asked a friend: "What's the meaning of the Bohemian Diet, about which we hear sa much of late ?" " Free lunches," was the reply. Con —-Why is a thief your only true philosopher ?— Because he regards every thing from an abstract point of view, is opposed to all notions of protection, and is open to conviction. , . . A Melting Good Friday sermon being preached in a country church, all wept except one man, who on being asked why he did not weep as well a« the rest ?-" Oh 1" replied he, " I belong to another parish ." A Correspondent wants to know who wrote the poem commencing " Our country's lyres are mute." We do not know, but that line suggests the thought that if our country s iiarn were also mute, it would be * coosuw* (nation most dflYQUtlp ft be wiem

An Irish officer, had the misfortune to.be dreadfully wounded in battle. As he lay on the ground, an unfortunate soldier who was near him, and was also severely wounded, made a terrible howling, when the officer exclaimed, " Confound you 1 what do you make such a noise for ? Do you think there is nobody killed but yourself ?" There can be no doubt that the moon is inhabited, and by a race of people who make calls and leave cards, and give dinner-parties, and go out to dances and evening receptions, just as we do in this gay planet. Shakepeare settled the question Jong ago, when (in Antony and Cleopatra) he referred to " the visiting moon."

Smith says he doesn't know much about music, but if it's a great thing for a man who has spent thousands of dollars on his voice, and has studied for years to sing high chest C, he thinks his kettle at home can beat, for every evening, with cheery voice, it sings its way up to high chest tea. And it's only a dollar kittle, too. Awhile ago a farmer in the Highlands lost his wife, and out of love for her memory called his estate " Glenmary." A neighbour having met with the same affliction, and equally desirous of keeping before him the image of his dear departed, followed his example, and his farm is known by the name of " Glenbetsy." Political Economy. — Madge: "What are you looking so sorry about, Arthur ?" Arthur : " Multiplication !" Madge : "0, I know all multiplication !" Arthur : "Do you ? What's twice ten, then ?" Madge : "0, twenty-one, of course !" Arthur : " No, it's not ! It's onty twenty !" Madge : " Ah, but everything's riz, you know I" " You hey heern, gentlemen of the jury," said an eloquent advocate — "you hey heern the witness swar ho saw the prisoner raise his gun j you hey him swar he saw the flash and heerd the report ; you hey heern him swar he dug the bullet out with his jackknife, and you hey seen the bullet produced in court ; but whar, gentlemen, whar, I ask you, is the man who saw that bullet hit that dog ?"

A most amusing blunder occurred in a Paris newspaper lately. Two paragraphs, which should have appeared separately, by some mishap got mixed, and they read as follows : "Doctor X has been appointed head physician to the riopital de la Charite. Orders having been issued by the authorities for the immediate extension of the Cemetery of Mount Parnasse, the •works

The Fish Question. — "Do fish hear?" is the interrogation which begins an article going the round of the press ; and a very exciting one it must be. we think, as even the masses have got hold of it. Near a suburban pond is painted on a board, "Don't fish hear!" which may be the inquiry of an anxious but humble seeker, or may be the contemptuous exclamation of one who has no patience with ignorance. A D anbury man's order for his wife's hat is a novelty in its way. She was sick and couldn't go for the hat, so he drove in himself He told the milliner to put on a dollar's worth of parsley, fifty cents,' worth of string beans, ten cents' worth of cherries, a few green currants, a beet or two, a little cabbage, and about three slices of turnips ; or, if it was too early for turnips, make it two new potatoes instead. Thk Wedding Toast.— At Tom Badger's wedding his most intimate friend, Jack Lumley, was called upon for a toa9t. Jack could not remember the neat little speech he had been conning for a week. The presence of a" blooming damsel who stared in his eyes frightened the elaborate toast out of his memory. But he felt himself equal to the occasion, and, to the amazement of the guests, said, " Badger, your health ! May this day's entertainment be often repeated !" Mrs. Badger fainted. A Scotch parson had a farming neighbour who was in the habit of shooting on Sundays, but after a while this Sabbath -breaker joined the church. One day the minister to whose church he belonged met a friend of the farmer, and said: "Do you see any difference in I£ rm p since he joined the church ?" "Oh yes," replied the friend, "a great difference. Before, when he went out to shoot on Sunday, he carried his gun over his shoulder, but now he carries it under his coat." are being executed with the utmost despatch.' Like all water-colour painters, David Cox was very particular about the quality of the paper he worked on. There was a certain Scotch variety he loved heartily. The paper was very thick, and white, with here and there little black or brown specks. In the landscape part these specks were of no consequence, but they looked out of place in the sky. On one occasion, being asked what lie did to get rid of them, he replied, " Oh, I just put wings to them, and then they flyaway as birds."

Strangers paying a visit to Dunedin are often at a loss to kuow what is the best establishment to visit for the purcah.se of drapery and clothing Herbert, Haynes, and Co. offer special advantages to the public that can be met with nowhere else in the city. They keep at all times the largest and best assorted stock of every class of goods, imported direct from the leading manufacturers and warehousemen at home, which, being bought entirely upon cash terms, they are enabled to offer goods of such sterling value as cannot be equalled by any other house in the trade. Every article in stock is marked at a fixed price for ready money, from which no abatement is ever made, so that the moat inexperienced buy their gooda at the same prices as the best judges, Their terms are— net cash, without discount or reduotiopß of any kind. A fuller description of their stock will be found ia an advertisemeet pn the last page of this paper, [Aavr,