Varieties.

Otago Witness, Issue 1156, 24 January 1874, Page 26

Varieties.

A Gnawful Nuisance.— Rats. Wiierk Fisu Repose.— ln a water bed. Songs Without Wokds.— The kettle's. Sosg for a Lucky Fisherman. — Hauls well. An Original Singer's Machtne. — The throat. A Quarterly Payment.— Five Shillings in the £. A Spanish Question.— Are there any lunatics in Madrid ? Important Announcement. — Foot-notes are not written with the toes. The old maxim that " man proposes " is contradicted by certain spinsters, who only wish he did.

An Indiana gentleman is now living in a house with his fifth wife and three mothers-in-law, and yet he is not happy. William Tell shuddered when he shot apple from his boy's head because the child had such an arrow escape. Clever Manufacturers.— Those who make a garden walk, an umbrella stand, a watch spring, and a clock run down, "Do you want to buy a sewing machine," asked an agent of a farmer. " No," was the reply, "I always sow my wheat out of a bucket." , By Our 'Own Juvenile —To the lover there are but two places in all the world — one where his sweetheart is, and the other where she isn't. The force of habit is fully illustrated in the case of a retired milkman, who says he never Bees a can of water without having an almost irresistible desire to put some milk into it. The following advertisement appears in a Canadian paper : " Will the gentleman who Btole my melons last Saturday night bo generous enough to return me a few of the seeds, »s tiwy m a choice variety ?"

A Frenchman says :—": — " 'Tis a mournful hour in life when a man comes to the conclusion that fame, love, and happiness are not worth a good cigar. 'Tis a still more mournful hour when a man comes to the conclusion that a cigar itself is worthless."

Dean Ramsay says the Earl of Lauderdale suffered from insomnia, and baffled the Doctors. They could not get the earl to sleep. His son, who was "simple," said :—" Sen' for that preaching man frae Livingstone, for fayther aye sleeps in the kirk." It was done, says the Dean, with the besi result.

Teetotallers who felicitate themselves on the progress of tlieir cause will do well to digest the following: -An old stager was compelled by his worthy spouse to " join the cold-water army,'' which he did, promising never to touch a drop of anything else except in sickness. So far the story is excellent. But now for the moral. The reformed individual has never been well since.

A Western Enoch Arden. — This is the way they do up an Enoch Arden romance in Oshkos, Wisconsin : — "The Western Arden did not come back and gaze through the window at the felicity of green and yellow melancholy business ; not any. He kicked the new husband out, sorted over the children and sent his brats after him, and then, after thrashing his wife, settled down into a peaceful, happy head of the family.

Dumas, the elder, was very proud of the large sum paid him for his writings. One evening in the saloon of a rich financier the conversation turned upon the remuneration of^ men of letters. I, said Dumas, am certainly^ the best paid. I receive 30 sous a line. Indeed, monsieur, said a bystander, I have never worked for less than a million a line. What do you think of that ? You are joking. Not at all. What are you, then ? A constructor of railways.

Unfeeling- Joke. — An Evansville spooney was the victim of a heartless joke, recently. His companions counterfeited a letter from a young heiress, which said that his manly bearing had captivated her heart, and hoped he reciprocated. He threw away his tools, inve?ted his money in new clothes, and presented himself to the lady, who indignantly told him that she didn't want a husband who looked like a crooked-neck squash, and if he didn't leave she'd remove his hair. Ue retired.

Smith, who was horrified to find that he was setting very stout, was recommended by a friend to try gymnastic exercise. "You will find it an infallible remedy, my dear fellow, for this wretched embonpoint which annoys you so." The following day Smith betook himself to a gymnasium, eager to commence operations ot once. "By all means," cried the professor, " but first oblige me with your name and address." "My address? What for?" "Why, if you should meet with an accident. I must know where to send you home 1 " Smith now says that he doesn't mind getting stout.

" Hope Told a Flattering Tale."— Dr. Walcot and Madame Mara were on terms of the greatest intimacy. He wrote the song of "Hope told a flattering tale" expressly for her, and she sang it for the first time at one of her own benefits. The next day she sold the manuscript. The Doctor had already done the same, and the two purchasers, after a long dispute, which neither had the power to settle, agreed to wait on Madame Maraard solic't her interference. She'consented, and as she was going in search of Dr. Walcot, he happened to cross her path in the Haymarket. He had already heard of the circumstance, and, like the prima donna, was not disposed to refund the money he had received. " What is to be done ?" said Madame Mara. " Can. not you say you were intoxicated when you sold it ?" " Cannot you say the same of yourself ?" said the satirist. " One story would be believed as soon as the other."

" Sitting upon a Man " in Persia.— The practice of " sitting upon a man," as it is called, universally prevail* in Persia, and it is not easy to deal with it. Still, it may be dealt with ; and Sir John M'Neill, a shrewd old Scotch diplomatist, who was once accredited to the Persian Court, contrived to get rid of a Persian who had tried to " sit " upon him by a rather clever device. At the New Year, which is kept as a great festival in Persia, religious mendicants go about, not so much asking for alms, as insisting upon a fixed sum. They generally tax a foreign ambassador rather highly, and one of them, a dervish, demanded an extravagant sum from Sir John M'Neill. The Scotch diplomatist offered to compromise with him for any reasonable amount, bufe his offer was refused ; and, as lie would not give more, the dervish proceeded to " sit " upon him. He established himself in Sir John's garden, just before his study windows ; and every now and then during the day, and whenever he woke up at night, this dervish set up a horrible hullabaloo, and blew a cracked trumpet. Sir John, who did not like to have his rest disturbed in this way, determined to put a stop to the dervish's tricks and eject him by force ; but he was solemnly warned by the Persian authorities that it would be dangerous to lay hands upon the dervish. " Get rid of him if you can," said they, laughing, as they are won't to do at a Minister's perplexity ; " but do not touch him." " Very well," said Sir John, drily ; and he sent for a bricklayer. 41 Build me a wall round that howling beggar in my garden," said Sir John to the brick, layer, "and then roof it in." The dervish looked on composedly while the wall rose slowly round him, and made more noise than ever ; but, when he perceived that they really meant to shut him up in the tomb alive, he jumped over the lowest part of the wall and rushed away like a maiiiao. Sir John was probably the only Europeua who ever got the, better of & dervUti,