Varieties.

Otago Witness, Issue 1155, 17 January 1874, Page 22

Varieties.

AN END ALWAVB TO KE KEPT IN VIEW. — Dividend.

Thosk who live on the failings of the neighbours will never flic of starvation.

Among- the Arabs the inability of a wife to make bread is a good ground of divorce.

" Develope your minerals " is the Califorman style of asking a person to pay his debts.

A rojfSTr.u challenged a sick man's vote at a city election, on the ground that he was an ill-legal voter. Tub times are affecting the poor Indian. He complains that none but bald-headed emigrants go West. Courtship is defined, by a man who pretends to know, as "the skirmish before the regular battle begins." Spickr says the only time he felt like a real estate owner was when he had the neuralgia, and then ho had over a dozen achcrs iv his mouth.

A young lady fainted when told that over flvo hundred thousand men died last year, but was revived by the information that there were thirteen millions left,

Duking a recent examination a medical student was asked, " When does mortification ensue ? " He replied, " When you pop the question and receive ' No ' for an answer."

Douglas Jehkold said one day he would make a pun upon anything his friends would put to him. A friend asked whether he could pun upon the signs of the zodiac, to which he replied — By Gemmini, I Cancer.

A Florida Alderman sold his vote for an oroide chain and a circus ticket, and his friends are naturally ashamed and indignant. They know that he might have obtained a jack-knife in addition by simply asking for it.

Wilson, Hie celebrated vocalist, was upset in his carriage near P>dinburgh. A Scotch paper, after recording the incident, said : '• We are happy to state that he was able to appear on the following evening in three pieces."

A Physician, on presenting his bill to the executor of an estate of a deceased patient, asked, " Do you wish to have my bill sworn?" " No," replied the executor, "the death of the deceased is sufficient evidence that you attended him professionally. "

A Miss Buchanan, once rallying her cousin, an officer, on his courage, said, "Now, Mr. Harry, do you really mean to tell me you can walk to a cannon's mouth without fear ? " " Yes," was the prompt reply, " or a Buchanan's either." And he did it.

" What's the matter there, Alice ? Don't your shoes fit?" "No, papa, they don't fit me at all," replied the little one. And then she enumerated all the faults of the shors in set terms, and reached the climax thus " Why they don't even squeak when I go out for a walk "

An exquisitely-dressed young gentleman, after buying another seal to dangle about his person, said to the jeweller that he "would— ah, like to have— ah something engraved on it— ah, to denote what he was !" " Certainly, certainly," said the tradesman. "I'll put a cipher upon it."

A young man who was attending a night writing-school was smitten by the charms of a lady present, and at the close of the school pressed forward and asked if he might escort her home. "Yes," said she, "if you will carry my little boy." He is gradually recovering from the shock.

An Omaha man desiring to get rid of his mother-in-law at a very short notice, induced her to spread nitro glycerine on her back to cure lumbago, and then apply a hot flat iron. At the latest accounts they hud sent into an adjoining county to try to get enough of the woman together to hold an inquest over.

" I hope you will be able to support me," said a yourg woman, while walking out with her intended during a somewhat slippery state of the pavement. " Why, yes," replied the somewhat hesitating swain; "with a little assistance from your father." There was some confusion, and a profound silence.

A young poet once asked Douglas Jerrold to pass a candid criticism on two of his productions. Jerrold waited rather impatiently until his tormentor had concluded re-iding the first poem, and then quickly exclaimed : " I like your other poem the best." "But you have not heard it read." "That is why I prefer it." Fekrukh Khan, the Persian diplomatist, when setting out on his late mission to Paris and London, was greatly mystified in respect of the machinery of the steamer that was to convey him to Trebizonde. When he was told that the machinery was of 500-horse power, his face beamed with pleasure at the prospect of seeing so many horses, and he at once asked permission to visit the stables.

A West End tailor, while at Scarborough for his holiday, one morning, on emerging from the water, into which he had just taken a " header " from his machine, found himself close to a customer who had long been in his debt. Seizing the opportunity, " I say, sir," he cried, " when are you going to settle my little account ? " " Oh, you shall have it at once," was the ready reply, " if you have got my bill with you."

A minister had a negro in his family. One Sunday, when he was preaching, he happened to look in the pew where the negro was, and could hardly contain himself as he saw the negro, who could not read or write a word, scribbling away most industriously. After meeting, he said to the negro :— " Tom, what were you doing in the church ? " " Taking 1 notes, massa. All de gemmen take notes." " Bring your nctes here nnd let me see them." Tom brought his notes, which looked more like Chinese than English. "Why, Tom, this is all nonsense. " " I thought so, massa, all de time you was preaching it."

When Mr. John Scott (afterwards Lord Eldon) was at the bar, he was remarked for the sang-froid with which he treated the judges. On one occasion a junior counsel, on hearing their Lordships give judgment against his client, exclaimed that he was surprised at such a decision. This was construed into a contempt of court, and he was ordored to attend at the bar next morning. Tearful of the consequences, he consulted his friend John Scott, who told him to be perfectly afc ease, for he would apologise for him in a way that would avert any unpleasant result. Accordingly, when the name of the delinquent was called, John Scott rose and coollyaddressed the assembled tribunal—-" I am very sorry, my lords, that my young friend has so far forgotten himself as to treat your honourable bench with disrespect ; he is extremely penitent, and you will kindly ascribe his unintentional insult to his ignorance. You rnusb see at once that it did originate in that. He said he was surprised at the decision of your lordships. Now, if he had not been very ignorant of what takes place in this court every day — had lie known you but half bo long as I have done—ho would not lie s,ur» prised At anything you did,"