Varieties.

Otago Witness, Issue 1031, 2 September 1871, Page 20

Varieties.

True Affection.— Self love. Brothers in Law. — The judges. The Churchyard of Love. — Marriage. Half a Sovereign. — The Prince of Walesi A Bachelor's " Party." — A spinster. A Ruff Customer. — Good Queen Bess. Matchless Misery. — A cigar with no< thing to light it. A Crying Sin. — Taking babies to the play. Dear Stalk-ing. — Buying asparagus at ten shillings a bundle.

How much cloth is required to make % spirit- wrapper ?

Some fishes' existence is ova before it commences.

The Mo(it)rning Air.— The " Dead March."

The complaint misers generally die of is tightness of the chest.

A Military Definition of a Ki.^s. — A report at head-q\iarters. Fireside Philosophy.- A round of pleasure sometimes renders it difficult to make things square. A Teetotaller' Excess.— "Water-tight. The Metallician'.s First Requirement. — Brass.

One of Judy's contributors has just returned from Canton. He speaks broken China very prettily. Railway companies sometimes pull down a street. Thieves very often cut up courts and alleys.

Anything but " Barren Honour."-— Baron Rothschild winning the Derby and Oaks with stakes of £10,000.

Very Alarming. —lt is expected that the Poles will rise this year in Kent during the hop season.

Coining a Word. — A correspondent wants to know of what metal "hush-money" is made. Need we remind him that ' ' silence is golden ! "

People talk about "the glorious uncertainty " of sporting. We know an owner of racehorses who never fails every night to " pull off" — his boots.

Rather Difficult to Swallow. — " Fancy," said Sydney Smith to some ladies, when he was told that one of the giraffes at the Zoological Gardens had caught a cold, " a giraffe with two yards of sore throat."

The engineer of an ocean steamer — a North Briton — on being asked lately why it was that the chief engineer of almost all the fine steamers afloat were Scotchmen, answered, " "Weel, ye see, the Erish are just quite oot o' the question ; and, as for the English, somehoo orither it's no in them." An individual at Ascot was staggering about the course, with more liquor than he could carry. ' ' Hallo, what's the matter now ? " said an acquaintance whom the inebriated man had run against. "Why, hie — why, the fact is, hie — a lot of my friends have been betting champagne on the race to-day, and they nave got me to hold the stakes."

A descendant of Nabal having put a crown piece into "the plate" in an Edinburgh church'one Sunday morning bymistake, instead of a penny, asked to have it back, but was refused. In once, in for ever. "Aweel, aweel," grunted he, "I'll get credit for it in heaven. " Na, na," said Jeems, the door* keeper, " yel l get credit only for the penny ye meant to gie." The fact that the marriage of the Lord of Ldrne and the Princess Louise took place during Lent, created quite a flutter in High Church circles in England. Punch, of course, ridicules these scruples. Hcfe is one of his notes :—: — CLERICAL ERROR i " High " ParsoDs would have scruples tarry When they propose to wed in Lent — But why ? The sooner people marry, The sooner, mostly, they repent. WHITSUNTIDE AT THE ZOOLOGICAL GAR! dens. — (Tuesday Morning). — "The Elephant : " Hulloa, Bruin, how Pale you Look ! One would think you'd Changed Heads with the Polar Bear ! " — Bruin : " Yes, it's the Buns ! There were 31,4.">7 People here Yesterday. They gave me 31,457 Buns. Yuv look rather Bloated and red about the Nose. Buns, I suppose?" — The Elephant : "Yes, and Gin; ger-Beer, too, I'm Sorry to Say. One can't Refuse."— TV ()*trhh: "Ah! I could ma; nage Buns and Ginger-Beer. It's the Ginger* Beer Bottles and Brown Paper and Rusty Nails they give one. As iotyou, my dear {to the Giraffe), you look more Spotty than ever." — The Giraffe: " Ugh !"

Lamb once convulsed a company with an anecdote of Coleridge, which, without doubt, he hatched in his hoax-loving brain. "I was," he said, "going from my house at Entield to the East India House one morning when I met Coleridge on his way to pay lne a visit. He was brimful of some newidea, and in spite of my assuring him that time was precious, he drew me Within the gate of an unoccupied garden by the road side, and there, sheltered from observation by a hedge of evergreens, he took mo by the button of my coat, and, closing his eyes, commenced an eloquent discourse, waiving his right hand gently as the musical words flowed in an unbroken stream from his lipsv T listened entranced ; but the striking clock recalled me to a sense of duty. I saw it was of no use to attempt to break away j so ) taking advantage of his absorption in his subject, and, with my penknife, quietly severing niy button from my coat, I de» camped. Five hours afterwards, in passing the same garden, on my way home, I heard Coleridge^ voice ; and on looking in, there he was with closed eyes, the button in his fingers, and the right hand gracefully M-aving, just as wh<ro I left him. He bad never missed we."