Varieties

Otago Witness, Issue 1005, 4 March 1871, Page 21

Varieties

! A Turning Point.— A bayonet. The "Tender Passion." — An engine»dri» ver's. Motto por the Heading Public, — Warto the (paper) -knife. Paris "Fashions" are now described aft tears and lamentations. The proper beverage for milkmen— Pail ale. Why ia the dumb alphabet a curse?— Because its a mauleydiotion (malediotion). Queer Kind op Love. — A neuralgic aflec* tion. What part of a ship is like a farmer ?— The tiller. A Contradiction.— The best way to patch up a quarrel is to split the difference. When is a chimney like a chicken ? —When it is a little foul.

Woman shows her fond ness for the unity by always wanting to be won.

Young ladies who play croquet are known as "ladies all for lawn." Why are gambling hells elegantly fitted up f — Because a gambler's room is better than his company. A Lady calls the little memorandum her butcher sends in with the meat, " pencillinga by the weigh." Why is a clever grammarian never involved in quarrels ? — Becanse he is master of his own tongue.

In Arms. — A baby who kisses his mother and fights bis father may be said to be partial to his ma and martial to his pa.

A Man in Boston is said to be so short that when he is ill, he don't know whether he has headache or corns.

Mankind should learn temperance from the moon— the fuller she gets, the shorter her horns become.

Too True ! — The man who is so awfully urbane to bis wife before strangers is generally also "her bane " behind their backs.

" There is something very attractive in little girls," said the parson. " Yes," Bald the old farmer ; "and it is still more so as they grow older."

A little boy, disputing with his sister recently exclaimed, " 'Tis true, for ma says so ; and if ma says so, it is so if it ain't so." Ingenious Device. — A widow occupying a large house in a fashionable quarter of London sent for a wealthy solicitor to make her wilL by which she disposed of between fifty aad

sixty thousand pounds. He proposed soon after, was accepted, and found himself the happy husband cf a p nniless adventurer.

Timid.— A Trench horse-dealer was asked if an animal he offered for sale was timid. - " Not at all," said he ; he often passes many nights by himself in the stable.

Weak Thread. — A minister's wife tried to mendher husband's coat with the thread of one of his discourses. It scarcely held till he got over the threshold.

Complimentary.— A polite philosopher once thanked a lady who had been singing to a party for an hour, by saying. •• Madam, you have wasted our time charmingly."

A Woman should always remember that her clothes should be in expense and quantity proportioned to her own circumstances, and not those of her neighbor.

Physiological Query.— If a man has carroty hair and a turnup nose, with a radish complexion, must he necessarily have vegetable marrows in his bones ?

»« Never put off till to-morrow what you can do to-day," said a mother to her son. " Well; then, ma, let's eat the berry-pie in the cupboard."

An old woman driving a four-footed troop was accosted by a young man with, " Goodmorning 1 mother of donkeys." The dame meekly replied, " Good- morning to you ! my son,"

"Doctor, I t saw you taking one of your patients to ride. Allow me to say, sir, it's very unprofessional. I never take my patients to ride." — " No, sir : the undertaker does that for you." Gosgeoxts Scsseby. — Alderman Phatgreen says it's all very well to talk about the beautiful vaileys you see in Switzerland j b»t he's met with most splendid gorges in the City. L? you would relish your food, labour for it ; if you would enjoy your raiment, pay for it before you wear ie ; if you would sleep soundly, take a clear cousoience to bed with you. We have artificial teeth, artificial hair, eyes, calves, hips, noses, and artificial morality. We believe that some young ladies must have artificial heads, as we read of a young lady whose " head was turned " by a young man. Any one who has lain all night upon a shelf, with an irresistible conviction that the house was dancing a polka, to the immediate danger of pitching him off, can form an idea of a first " night's rest " in the berth of an ocean steamer.

Light.— An attorney, about to furnish a bill of costs, was requested by his client, a baker, "to make it as light as he could."— " Ah I" replied the attorney, " that's what you say to your foreman ; but it's not the way I make my bread." Mrs. Partinqton, on reading the account of a schooner having her jibboom carried away on Long Island Sound, one night last week, wondered "why people would leave such things out doors, 'anights, to be stolen, when there were so many buglers about filtering everything they could lay their hands to."

Biskillah I— Come, here is a good joke. You are beholden for it to the Post's own correspondent at Rome :— " I hear that a deputation of ladies attached to the Pope's cause had an audience of his Holiness a few days ago, and made warm protestations of their affection, one lady exclaiming with effusion — " Santo Padre. Siamo tutte vostre I" Holy Father, we are all yours 1 Didn't the lady who said tliat confound the Pope with the Sultan ?

A fascinating youth of Louisville was recently very badly " sold " by the matron of the Kentucky State Prison, in whose daughter he seemed to evince a very strong interest while travelling in a railroad car. Thinking that the flirtation had continued long enough, she suddenly changed her seat to the side of the young man, and whispered in his ear :—": — " Sir, you are a total stranger to me, but I feel it to be my duty to warn you of impending evil. That young lady is just out of the State Prison." A passenger got off at the next statioD.

Lattoamy and Calamy.— Mr. Gillies, in his Reminiscences of Sir Walter Scott, relates : "It happened at a small country that Scott suddenly required medical advice for one of his servants, and on inquiring if there was any doctor in the place, was told there were two j —one long established, and the other a new- 1 comer. The latter gentleman, being luckily^ found at home, soon made his appearance, — a grave, sagacious-looking personage, attired in } black, with a shovel hat, in whom, to his utter astonishment, Sir Walter recognised a Scotch blacksmith, who had formerly practised, with tolerable success, as a veterinary operator in the neighbourhood of Ashestiel. "How, in all the world," exclaimed he, " can it be possible that this is John Lundie ?"— " In troth is it, your honour,— just a' that's for him." "Well, but let vi hear ; you were a horse-doc torbefore ; now it seemsyou are a man-doctor ; how do you get on ?" — " Ou, just extraordinar weel ; for your honour maun ken toy practice is vera sure and orthodox. I depend entirely upon two simples." " And what may their names be ? Perhaps it is a secret ?" — " I'll tell your honour," in a low tone ; "my twa simples are just laudamj and calamy!", " Simples with a vengeance ! " replied Scott. " But, John, do you never happen to kill any of your patients ?" — " Kill ? Ou ay, may be sac ! Whiles they die and whiles no ;— but it's the will o' Providence Ony hoo, your honour, it wad be lang before it makes up for Flodden 1 ' "