Varieties.

Otago Witness, Issue 948, 29 January 1870, Page 16

Varieties.

Paii. Creatures. — Dairymaids. The Best Thing out. — An aching tooth, A " TaANck"-AciiON.— Walking in one's sleep. The most Appropriate Bishop fora Watering Place.— Bath and Wells. A Game ofckn heard op, bdt neves layed — " Cricket on the hearth." Under our greatest troubles often lie our greatest treasures. A Wb}t or Attachment. — A marriage certificate. A wise man had rather to be envied for providence than pitied for prodigality. The man who knows how to keep an hotel — the man who is a host in himself. Why is a solar eclipse like a woman whipping her boy ?— Because it is a Mding of the sun. ' A darkey's instructions for putting on a coat were' •• <: Fust de right arm, den de left, and den gib one general conwuishun." Why is a list of musical composers Uke a. a saucepau '—Because it is incomplete with-.' out a Handel. | We have often heard of ships running into! one another ; but the other day we actually'; saw a house fly. What would be the effect of breaking the thread of you? discourse ?— You could not set your words up. Absence destroys small passions, and increases great ones ; as the wind extinguishes tapers, and kindles fires. Lb Folly ! - Why should we look to medical men to put down the eccentricities of Fashion ?~-Bgcau,?e they can begfc adjswister

Byass' Axe. — "Jones," said a London brewer to his managing man at an election, •' give these independent voters plenty of ale, and you will soon Byas(s) them in my f avar." A Son of the Emerald Isle having been told that the price of potatoes had risen, exclaimed, " Faith, this is the first time I evet felt grieved at the rise of a good friend." I Lover's Privilege.— -It is the privilege of the lover to be at one and the same time in two si'uations. When beside his sweetheart he is also beside himself. When should woman go into the timber business ? — When she pines for her lover, who is a spruce young man, and of whom she thinks a great deal. Bachelors are a much abused class of persons ; but Quilp says it is much better to be laughed at for not being married, than to be unable to laugh yourself because you are. Tit for Tat.— Our tourists, when abroad, "do" the cathedrals, picture-galleries, and museums. Why should they complain if, on the part of hotel- keepers and others, they now and then get " done." The Last from the States.- Why does a white man proposing to marry a black woman resemble a debtor trying to escape from prison ? — Because he "wishes to obtain an egress (a negress). An officer on a field-day happened to be thrown from his horse, and, as he lay sprawling on the ground, said to a friend who came to his assistance, " I thought I had improved in my riding, but I find I have fallen off." Artemus Ward was fond of telegraphing, and studied it for amusement. He was a very good " sender." To the telegram of a California Lecture Committee, "What will you take for a hundred nights ?" Artemus promptly replied, " Brandy- and- water." A Lady in lowa County advertises herself as an " attorneyess-at-law." The New York Herald supposes we shall next have the " farmeresses " petitioning the " presidentess" for a commission for a daughter as art " ofSceress " in the army. " Mr Dear Lucy, I am surprised at your taste in wearing another woman's hair on your head," said a man to his wife. — "My dear Tom," replied the wife, " I am equally astonished that you persist in wearing anothei? sheep's wool upon your back." Saip Lord John Russell to Mr. Hume, at a social dinner, " What do you consider the object of legislation ?" " The greatest good to the greatest number." "What do you consider the greatest number?" continued his lordship. " Number one, my lord," was the commoner's prompt reply. Wanted. —A paddock to match a circular quay. A ladder to scale the " height of the ridiculous " To know the breadth of the broadest hints. Books to stock a "brown study." To know how many Scotch lochs make a full head of hair? To know how many pints are contained in a reef of Trun* key quartz ? A story is told of a fanner who, having bought his first barometer, was more puzzled I than instructed by its movements. When the sky was overcast and the rain falling in tor* rents the index hand pointed to "set fair." Losing all patience, he took the instrument into the open air, and exclaimed, " Now, will you not believe your own eyes ? " An American young lady the other day in the course of a lecture, said, " Get married, young man, and be quick about it too. Don't wait for the millennium, hoping that i the girls may turn to angels before you trust yourself to one of them. A pretty thing you would be alongside an angel, wouldn't you, you brute ?" Taking it- Easily, or Matrimony in 1 869.— Friend (at tea) : " I say, when is your wedding to come off, Gerty ?" Gerty : " Oh, I don't know. I have a lot of visits to pay this autumn, and Gus will want to be in Leicestershire all November ; so I dare say we shall settle it about Christmas; when there is nothing else going on, you know, dear !" American preachers are in the habit of saying strange things. For instance Dr. Osgood, the Unitarian minister, to whose criticisms on his fellow-clerical guests at a certain banquet we formerly referred, writing of Mr. Spurgeon, observes, " His gifts are as much of the bowels as of the brain ; and he seems to be full of sympathetic juices in which his great audience float like a great navy in an ample harbour." An auctioneer was selling a lot of land for agricultural purposes. "Gentlemen," said he, " this is the most delightful land. It is the easiest land to cultivate in the country — it is so light, so very light. Mr. Parker here will corroborate my statement ; he owns the next patch, and will tell you how easy it is worked." "Yes, gentlemen," said Mr. Parker, "it is very easy to work it, but it's a great deal easier to gather the crops." In addressing a jury upon one occasion, the celebrated Lord Jeffrey found it necessary to make free with the character of a military officer who was present. Upon hearing himself several times contemptuously spoken of as " the soldier," the son of Mars, boiling with indignation, interrupted the pleader, " Don't call me a soldier, sir ; lam officer." Lord Jeff rey immediately went on, ''Well, gentlemen, this officer, who « no soldier, was the sole cause dp all the mischief that had occurred."' % '' "' ,l ' Differences between Man and the Chimpanzee —The chimpanzee was never known to gamble in stocks. First difference The chimpanzee was never known to pass its life in making itself hideous 1 and ridiculous under the pretense of fashion. Second difference. The chimpanzee never eats without hunpter, nor drinks without thirst Tlurd difference. The chimpanzee is not used to vilify its fellow chimpanzees, nor to publish libels. thjngß ngajn.si< tjjeffl,