Varieties.

Otago Witness, Issue 929, 18 September 1869, Page 16

Varieties.

Hkai/thy Resort fob the Blind. — The see-side. Why is Fenianism hot ? Because it is '98 in the shade. The Gkeatjest Ant ExTANT.-—The Elephant. During the late tornado in Buffalo a banker's window was blown in and six hundred dollars' worth of bonds and currency blown out— quite a blow to the loser. Nbw Relationship. — A stranger to law courts hearing a judge call a serjeant " brother," expressed his surprise. " Oh," said one present, "they are brothers— brothers-in- law." Grace hefore Meat. — A witty doctor of divinity, whose physicians had ordered him for a time on a purely vegetable diet, demurred on the ground that " he should not be able to say grace before meat." Steadying thb Nervks. — A bashful lover, about to be married, took morphine to steady his, nerves. Result — he forgot to wake up at the wedding-hour ; the bride was disgusted, and the wedding indefinitely postponed. Tub Connoisseur. — A person to'whom tho curiosities, buildings, &c, in Oxford were shown one very hot day, was tisked by his companion if ho would see the remainder of tho University. '• My dear sir," replied the connoisseur. " lam stone blind already. Thuek Causks. — 'Ihree gentlemen boing in a coffee-house, one called for a dram, &ecause he was hot. " Bring me another," says his companion, "because lam cold." The third, who sat by nnd heard them, very quietly called out, "Here, boy, bring me a glass, because I like it." Ecokntiuc Peusonaoe. — The individual who tried to clear lus conscience with an egg is now endeavouring to raise his spirits with yeast. If l\o fails in this, it is his deliberate intention to blow out his brains with a bellows, and sink calmly into the arms of a young lady. M. A v her recently asked M. Charles Blanc, " What doyon think of Geroine's Cleopatra ?" "It is wretched — tho conception is weak, the execution is poor, the woman is of porcelain." M. Aubcr replied : "Is that tho painter's fault ? All women are terribly fragile nowadays." A Coirrr.E ov Scotch Burxs. — Two operatives wore conversing the other day about a fine cemetery recently nmdc in one of tho most nourshing of out border towns. One of them, with whom tho " new fanglcd graveyard " was evidently no favourite, boldly but atnnsingly expressed his aversion to it in tho remark, " I'll rather dco than he buried in sip a place." With equal disregard of the logic of. facts, his companion, who held an exactly opposite- opinion of the cemetery, retorted. " Wcel, if I'm spared in lifu and health, I'll gang nnowhero else." •*110 wljo would thrive must ri«o (it five." So says tl)c ppoverb, though there is njoro rhynio than reason in It, for if, I Ho who'd thrivo must rise at flvp, it must follow naturally Ho who'd thrive more must rise at four j I and it will insure a consequence that, He who'd still more thriving be Must leave his bed at turn of three 1 And who this latter would outdo, Will rouse him at the stroke of two. And by way of climax to it all, it ihould by held good that Flo who'd never bo outdone Must ever riio as toon as one. But the boat illustration would bo Ho who'd flourish best of all. Should never go to bed at all.