Varieties.

Otago Witness, Issue 919, 10 July 1869, Page 16

Varieties.

,v, v Equivocal ' Advehtis'bment. I—The1 — The following'notice might have been seen some time ago stuck up in a corset-maker's shop window in Glasgow . " All sorts of ladies stays here." A pompous individual walked up to the bar of a sea-side hotel, and with considerable flourish, signed the book, and exclaimed, "I'm lieutenant-governor of — — !"" "That don't make any difference," said the landlord, "you'll be treated just as well 'as the others '»

Fire Engines. — A man lately made application for insurance on a building situated in a village where there were no flre engines. He was asked, " What are the facilities in your village for extinguishing fire ? " " Well, it rains, "sometimes," he replied, with great simplicity.

Diderot, during his travels in Russia, expressed his surprise in the presence of the empress at the dirtiness of the Russians, who were then all serfs. " Why should they bestow any care on a body which does not belong to them ? " replied Catherine.

A Frenchman who was afflicted with the gout, being asked what difference there was between that and the rheumatism, " One very great difference," replied he. " Suppose yott take one vice, you put your finger in, you turn the screw till you bear him no longer— dat is de rheuraatis ; den, 'spose you give him one turn more, dat is de gout."

In revolutionary countries political gratitude is apt to be at a discount. A flatterer of a fallen monarchy was rejoicing with an acquaintance at the revolution. " Well," said the other, " but eurely you have no great reason to rejoice ; they always treated you well."—" Ah, yes," was the reply ; " I blush to think that they dared to insult me with their favors."

" Tub password is Saxe — now don't forget it, Pat," said the colonel, just before the battle of Fontenoy, at which Saxe was Marshal. " Sacks ! faith, and I will not," sold Pat. " Wasn't my father a miller ?"— " Who goes there," cries the sentinel, after tho Irishman had arrived at his post. Pat was as wise as an ov\ t and, in a whispered howl, replied, " Bags, yer honor." Thk late Baron Kotnschild, dining once at his club in Paris, heard some one say, •' Horrible bore t Lent X. ten thousand francs— have not even got an acknowledgment— and he's gone to Constantinople." — "Write to him," said the Baron. " Have done so, and it don't answer—he docs not answer."— "Then mon chtr, write to him thus :— " Dear M. X., when the Turks and Turkesscs leaso you a little leisure time, send me the twenty thou* sand francs I lent you.' "— " But he only owes me ten thousand."— "Precisely ; he will probably write and say so, ana then there's your acknowledgment." Thk other day a modest knock was heard at the door of a Bclgravian mansion, and after Jcatnes had allowed tho visitor to knock again lte condescended to open the door. " Is* Lord Ii at home ? " said somo one who was instantly dotcctod by tho sagacious Jeamet as somebody's "hown man hout of livery," — "No, ho aint at home," replied Jcamci } " but I soy, old follow, don't go hoff tn such on 'urry. Just go round tho corner, will you, and fetch a pint of 'alf an-'alf " The obliging caller dtd a* ho was bid ; ran round to tho adjoining public-house, and •pevdily reappeared bearing a pint of foaming portwv M r Avo a drink, old chap," Mid Jenmes, when ho had slaked his own thirst. "No. thank you," sold tho visitor, "I don't drink to early In tho morning, but I'll take the pot back, l< you'll allow mo j and, by the way, just tell your matter, when he return*. tUt;fodßefoa>ltc»4i«d\'' '