Varieties.

Otago Witness, Issue 865, 27 June 1868, Page 14

Varieties.

Aerated Pastry. — A puff of wind.' A Tasteless Fruit.— The apple of the eye. An" American aptly described a gentleman's park as " Nature with her hair combed- " The Loudest Thing Golsg. — Bug'e Trimming. What roof covers the mnst noisy tenant ? j — The roof of the mouth.

j Con. by Mb Caudle. — Why is my wife | likely to become a good equestrian ? — BeI cause she is always on tho nag. j * ' Dxdx't you ted me you could hold the J plough ?" s*iid a farmer to an Irishman he j had taken on trial. "Be aisy, now." said. j Pat. " tTo-y could I hould ie an' two horses I pullin' it away ? Just stop the craytures, j and I'll hould it for ye."

Cook's ' Pkj.kisites.' — Cook — "Only five shillings ! Why, I've broke, this year, four soup turreens, six large dishes, three glass water jugs, and fo-.^t-'en tumblers ; three dozen pla — " Couscienbious Shopkeeper — ' ' Well, well, cook. I won't be hard on you. You shall have half a *>ov r reign." Ultka- Scrupulous.— A Dutchman, at Decatur. married a second wife in about twowee- ks aft -r the loss of wife No. 1. On the following S ibbath the bride asked her lord. to take her out for a ride, when she was duly ' cut up' with the following response : — <l You tink I ride out wid anodsr voman. so soon after de death of Inine frau? iS'o, no !"

-\x ißKmrAx's Desckiptiokt op A:viepj:ca. — An Irishman, in describing America, said, "I «am told that you might roll England thru it, and it wouldn't make a dint in the ground ; there's frvshwat-jr oceans inside that jo might dronn Quid Ireland in ; and as for Scotland, ye might stick it in a, corner, and ye'd never be able to find it out, except it might be by the Mnell o' whisky. 11

A person who had been a schoolmaster in I.cith was reduced to beggary, but even in. speking alms would not get quit of the psdantry of his fur/nor profession. Applying c<n the street for a triile to one who looked like a lady, she rebuffed him, saying, "Get a«', man, I whina gae ye n&ethitig." " Mam,"' ropUed he, " T leel j's much shocked by your want of grammar as by your want of charity."

During the late homeward trip of the Henry Chaamcpy, from & spin wall, thesteerage passe-* fcrs were so numerous as to make them uncomf irt-ible. As iot sleeping accommodation, it was aptly described by a California!), who approached she captain, and said, " I shovel like a sleeping berth, if yon pl-a&e." "Why, wht-vehave you been. sl-eping these last t.vo nig'it? since we left !" ""Wa'al, I've been s'efpm-j a-top of a sick mrm ; bub he's got better now, aud won't stand it no longer."

At a club, of which .Tcrroldwas a- member,, a fiercj Jaco -ite, and a friend aa fierce of the cause of Wilb'-im the Third, were arguing nois-ily, and disturbing loss excita 1 »le conversnt'onalists. At length the Jacobite, st brawny S.'ot, brought his fist down heavily upon the tible. ami reared st his adversary, " I toll you what it i->, sir. I sp t upon your X 114 William !'' '''he friend of tbis Prince of Orange was not to be o'vtraa&tured by mere huvs He rose, and roarei back to> the J;cobite, "And 1, sir, spit upon your James the Second !" Jen old, who had been lis wiring to iae uproar in silence, hereupon rung the boll, and shouted, " Waiter, snittoons for two !"